Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Guess Who’s Back?

So… an update for those that care to read it.

My Daddy ended up moving in with me on Christmas Eve but I had lost him again by New Years Eve.  He went back to his wife, after having abandoned her for me over the Christmas holiday.  That is fucked up.  I discovered how he was lying to me about so many fucking things.  Even his job.  What he did for a living.  He made it all up and I bought it.  Hook, line and sinker.  He mind fucked me.  I hope if her ever reads this – he will know that’s what I think of him now.  All the undeserved respect I ever gave you – it was all fucking lies.  Disgusting, old, bored, married man.  Fuck you.

You stay in that house… with that wife, who can’t stand fucking you.  Be happy lying with her.  And I mean in both ways.  You deserve to be right where you are.

Later.

1 Comment »

Daddy Dom – What it means to me

I recently wrote this letter to someone and wanted to share it here.

Just wanted to write you a letter… remember when I said that sometimes I feel like I can express myself better in writing than verbally?  I think you’ll discover just how true that is.
I had a really nice evening with you last night.
I’m hoping this may be the start of a very open, honest and transparent type of relationship.
I think communication and trust are two of the most important things with BDSM and those things are certainly important to me.
I think sexually (among other things), we could be quite compatible.

Saying that, I think I should clarify what my idea of a Daddy Dom would be.
For me, it’s not about being a literal Daddy, (although I realize for many littles that is true for them).
It’s not about an ‘actual’ Daddy crossing boundaries with his little girl.
For me… a Daddy Dom is more like a mentor but at the same time, much more than that.
Daddy would be someone I would admire, respect, adore and in some senses even worship.
Of course, that comes with Daddy proving to LJ, that he deserves all of those things.
Daddy would be someone who teaches me things, not just sexual things but things LJ wants to know more about… things Daddy might know… that she doesn’t.

By the way, I realize I speak of LJ as if she is a third person.  Just wanted to clarify that I don’t actually believe that she is a third person… it’s just easier for me to speak and share things about her, when I can put a little distance between my adult self and my little self.

Daddy would protect me… he would put my needs above his own.
He would watch and listen and understand me, more at times than I even understand myself.
I want a Daddy I can count on, that I can trust with everything.
I want a Daddy that I would never have to use the safe word with because he’s watching everything and knows and gauges just how much is too much and just how much is enough.
Eventually, I want to feel like Daddy owns me but at the same time, knowing he would never take advantage of that ownership, never use that ownership for his own selfish needs if it meant in anyway harming me.  That would be the last thing that Daddy would ever want to do.

It might take me awhile to be able to regress into feeling like LJ again.  She has already come out a little bit… even last night… she was there for fleeting moments.
I have in the past, been able to deeply regress into being LJ.  Times when my adult self is gone… and I’m just little.

Anyway, I realize I’m getting a bit deeper into this conversation than I originally meant to but I guess it’s all good information for you to have.
I hope that your perception of being a Daddy Dom, can match with mine.
Just needed to put that out there.  Please write me back and let me know how you feel about it.

Leave a comment »

So sad… so mad… so depressed

The ‘man’ I had a relationship with… whom I called my Daddy… was not the person I thought he was.  We were together for two and a half years.

He lied to me about so many different things.  This was a man I trusted.  This was a man who escorted me into the world of BDSM.  And now my trust has been shattered.

He is a pathological liar.  I don’t say that lightly.  He lied about everything.

It is truly fucked up.  And I feel lost.  And sad.  And mad.  And I hate that he did this to me.

27 Comments »

Exodus 2022

EXODUS 2022

Book Review

EXODUS 2022 Cover

My Rating:  Four Stars

Four Stars

One word to sum up my opinion of Exodus 2022 – IMPRESSED.  I don’t normally read anything that could be described as sci-fi but the synopsis for this book lured me in and I’m glad it did.  If you’re a sci-fi fan – you’ll love it.  If you aren’t a sci-fi fan – this will be one sci-fi book you WILL enjoy.  Give it a shot!

About the Book – About the Author – Prizes!!!

About the prizes: Who doesn’t love prizes? You could win one of two $50 Amazon gift cards or an autographed copy of EXODUS 2022! Here’s what you need to do…

  1. Enter the Rafflecopter contest
  2. Leave a comment on my blog

That’s it! One random commenter during this tour will win the first gift card. Visit more blogs for more chances to win–the full list of participating bloggers can be found HERE. The other two prizes will be given out via Rafflecopter. You can find the contest entry form on the official EXODUS 2022 tour page via Novel Publicity. Good luck!

About the book: Joe Stanton is in agony. Out of his mind over the death of his young daughter. Or so it seems.

Unable to contain his grief, Joe loses control in public, screaming his daughter’s name and causing a huge scene at a hotel on San Juan Island in Washington State. Thing is, Joe Stanton doesn’t have a daughter. Never did. And when the authorities arrive they blame the 28-year-old’s outburst on drugs.

What they don’t yet know is that others up and down the Pacific coast—from the Bering Sea to the Puget Sound—are suffering identical, always fatal mental breakdowns.

With the help of his girlfriend—the woman he loves and dreams of marrying—Joe struggles to unravel the meaning of the hallucination destroying his mind. As the couple begins to perceive its significance—and Joe’s role in a looming global calamity—they must also outwit a billionaire weapons contractor bent on exploiting Joe’s newfound understanding of the cosmos, and outlast the time bomb ticking in Joe’s brain

Get EXODUS 2022 through Amazonor Barnes & Noble.

About the author: Kenneth G. Bennett is the author of the young adult novels, THE GAIA WARS and BATTLE FOR CASCADIA, and the new sci-fi thriller, EXODUS 2022. A wilderness enthusiast who loves backpacking, skiing and kayaking, Ken enjoys mysteries, science fiction, action adventure stories and, most especially, novels that explore the relationship between humans and the wild. He lives on an island in the Pacific Northwest with his wife and son and two hyperactive Australian Shepherds.

Kenneth G. Bennett, Author

Connect with Kenneth on his website, Facebook, Twitter,or GoodReads..

 

3 Comments »

Insecure

A lot has been happening. Daddy is taking steps to leave his wife. He is preparing himself. I know he is going through a lot emotionally and that after so many years of being married – it is going to be difficult.

Just in the last week or so… I have been feeling insecure. Things just seem ‘off’ and I can’t pinpoint where those feelings are coming from.

Part of me, feels guilty. Strangely, for the first time since I knowingly became involved with a married man. I think it’s because before things had been running as normal between the two of them, what she didn’t know, wasn’t hurting her. Now… he is acting differently at home. I think he is starting to emotionally distance himself from her. They have been fighting. It’s the first time when I’ve really felt badly for the role I’ve played in disturbing their marriage and swirling up the dirt and debris that had numbed and been covering up their issues and problems. Saying that – I know that I am not responsible. He is. The state of their marriage – has nothing to do with me.

I know I’m not explaining how things are right now very well and all the background about what’s been going on… so I ask for patience.

I’m feeling confused and insecure. Unsure of myself and unsure of my relationship and I can’t really put a reason on it. Which must sound awfully weird to people reading this but it’s true.
Part of me – wants to talk to Daddy about it. Let him know where I’m at. I know that’s what I should do. It’s always best to communicate openly and honestly.

I’m feeling lost.

feeling lost 2

17 Comments »

Someday Unicorn

We all have dreams….

4 Comments »

Some Serious Discussions

So… since I had my self-realization last week, triggered by pancake day (of all things)… (read the post Pancakes and Adultery HERE)  I have done a lot of serious thinking and self-exploration.  What I’ve realized in the last few days is that if I could have things happen exactly the way I’d want them to, it would look something like this:

Daddy would realize that as much as he cares and even loves his wife, that his marriage is one more of companionship to each other.  That he is unable to be his real self with her – sexually and otherwise and he would realize that true intimacy requires that you be able to be your real self.  Not only that but accepted, loved and adored for being your real self.  He would decide to leave or separate from her.  That he would still live in the same general area that he does now and that we’d start having more of a “real”, committed relationship.  I’m not talking about us moving in together or anything like that, I mean I would hope that we would eventually want to, after we adjusted to having more of a ‘real’ relationship.  I realize that things between us, wouldn’t always be perfect and that we would start discovering things about one another, that we didn’t know.  We would just be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with one another.  One where we could talk to one another on the phone – whenever we felt like it.  One where I could spend time with him at his house… sleep in his bed… wakeup beside him in the morning and yes – even make heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips together.  He could read me bedtime stories and he’d be there to hold me when we slept.  We would grow and blossom together.

I expressed these thoughts to Daddy and asked him – is that totally unrealistic?

He said no… it wasn’t unrealistic.  He told me he had a lot of thinking to do and I totally respect that.  I realize that it’s not going to be as simple as a yes or no answer and that he wouldn’t be able to just decide something like that overnight. It’s a lot to think about… and there is a lot to consider.

Will write more on this in the near future.

7 Comments »

Sabrina’s Window

Sabrina’s Window
by Al Riske

Sabrina's Window Cover

MY RATING: FOUR STARS
Four Stars

My Review:

This book centers around two main characters, a 17 year old teenager named Josh and a 31 year old hairdresser named Sabrina.  Josh’s life intersects with Sabrina’s when he breaks her window while trying to deliver her newspaper.  He wants to make retribution for it and they end up developing a complicated but interesting relationship.  The characters in the book are well developed and intriguing.

I really did enjoy this book, however I kept waiting for something MORE to happen.  The plot was a little bit slow paced and I felt there could have been so much more done with it.  Sabrina’s Window reminded me a little bit of the book “The Reader” by Bernhard Schlink but without the sexual scenes and focus on the romantic relationship.

Bottom line – worth reading.

About the Book – About the Author – Prizes!!!

Welcome to another exciting publishing house spotlight tour from Novel Publicity. Join us as three new titles from Luminis Books–we’re calling them the Luminis Literary Triad—tour the blogosphere in a way that just can’t be ignored. And, hey, we’ve got prizes!

About the prizes: Who doesn’t love prizes? You could win either of two $25 Amazon gift cards, an autographed copy of Sabrina’s Window by Al Riske, or an autographed copy of its tour mates, Antiphony by Chris Katsaropoulos or A River So Longby Vallie Lynn Watson. Here’s what you need to do…

  1. Enter the Rafflecopter contest
  2. Leave a comment on my blog

That’s it! One random commenter during this tour will win a $25 gift card. Visit more blogs for more chances to win–the full list of participating bloggers can be found HERE. The other $25 gift card and the 3 autographed books will be given out via Rafflecopter. You can find the contest entry form linked below or on the official Luminis Literary Triad tour page via Novel Publicity. Good luck!

About the book: On a chilly morning in Taos, New Mexico, a 17-year-old paperboy breaks the window of a 31-year-old hair stylist — an accident that marks the beginning of an instant, inexplicable bond between them. In the course of one high-desert summer, Joshua and Sabrina share confidences, intercede in each other’s love lives, go on a date that scandalizes the town, and confront questions of fidelity, desire, and the nature of love.Get Sabrina’s Window through Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

About the author: Al Riske grew up in the Pacific Northwest and has worked as a newspaper reporter, magazine editor, and ghostwriter. His short stories have appeared in Beloit Fiction Journal, Pindledyboz, Switchback, and Blue Mesa Review, where his story “Pray for Rain” won the review’s 2008 fiction prize. His second novel, Faint Promise of Rain (Luminis Books) is due out in the spring of 2015. He now lives in California with his wife, Joanne, and their dog, Bodie. Connect with Al on his website, Facebook, Twitter,or GoodReads..

Al Riske

Author – Al Riske

Luminis Books was launched in January, 2010 by husband and wife team Tracy Richardson and Chris Katsaropoulos with a mission to publish thought-provoking literary fiction for children and adults. We publish what we love: Meaningful Books That Entertain. Our award-winning books engage and inform readers and explore a wide range of topics from love and relationships, teen sexual assault and homelessness to string theory, consciousness, and the Universal Energy Field.

Luminis Books is a proudly independent publisher located in Carmel, IN.

Learn more about Sabrina’s Wndow‘s tour mates HERE.

 

TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY… CLICK THE LINK BELOW!

Rafflecopter Giveaway

4 Comments »

Pancakes and Adultery…

I was driving home from work yesterday afternoon and I was thinking about the fact that it was pancake Tuesday.  I thought about how it would be so nice if Daddy and I could have made pancakes together.  I started picturing it in my head…  I could have added raspberries and chocolate chips to mine and Daddy could have added something Daddy-like to his.  We could have poured them into heart shaped cookie cutters or moulds and just had a really simple but really sweet time together.  And imagining that and thinking those thoughts made me really happy…  I was literally smiling, driving along, thinking about it.

But then… it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started wondering if maybe he WAS having pancakes, just not with me.  And I started thinking about all those little, domestic type of things that we don’t share together and likely never will.  I started thinking about the fact that not only do we not share them together but he shares all those types of things with someone else – his wife.  And as those thoughts started tumbling in, it made me feel not only jealous but sad and even a little mad.

It might sound strange but the fact that he has a wife – is not something I normally think about very much.  I know the situation and have always known the situation from the very beginning but I just don’t normally think or dwell on the fact that he goes home every night and has dinner with his wife.  He watches TV with her.  He likely walks the dogs with her.  He does all those sorts of things, those everyday type of things, with her.  I know that they don’t sleep together – in both the physical sense (they have separate bedrooms) and the sexual sense and that they haven’t in many, many years.  But I wonder… does he kiss her hello?  Does he kiss her goodbye?  Does his kiss her goodnight?  Likely.

I try to tell myself – it doesn’t really matter.  I wouldn’t want to be with him (or anyone) 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I tell myself that I like my alone time.  I like my freedom.  I like not being obligated to anyone else.  I tell myself that I get all the best parts of him and his wife gets all the mundane and not so fun parts… all the hassles of everyday life with someone.  She gets to pick up his laundry off the floor, clean his dirty dishes, get annoyed with toilet seats that are left up, deal with him when he is sick, all those sorts of ‘not so fun’ things.  I tell myself – that when we DO get together – I have his full attention – 100 percent.  Our time is limited but it’s super concentrated, quality time.  I try to soothe myself with those types of thoughts and tell myself that it doesn’t really matter that he is married to someone else.  But I think I’m starting to face the fact… that it does actually matter.  It matters because he chooses to share the vast majority of his life, his being, with somebody else.  That’s why it matters.

Last night he said that he ‘shares as much with me as he can at this time’.  But in reality… he shares as much as he WANTS to share and CHOOSES to share.  He chooses things to be like this.  He chooses not to be with ME.  He chooses to make me second best and second priority and I let him and tell myself it doesn’t really matter.

It’s confusing because we don’t treat our relationship like it’s ‘just for fun’… we treat our relationship as much more than that.  I don’t think either of us really expected things to have developed between us the way that they did and now that they have – where does it leave us?  It’s been almost two years ago since we started to talk to one another and it’s been about a year and half that we have been ‘dating’ and intimately involved.

As much as I don’t want to think about it and as much as I would like to convince myself once again, that it doesn’t really matter and that I should just enjoy what we DO share with one another and not worry about what we don’t… I’m not sure if I can go back into thinking that way.  It hurts and it’s there – just under the surface and the more I think about it – the more I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.

I deserve someone that is mine.  I deserve someone who is willing and able to share himself with me and only me.  Don’t I?  Or am I throwing all the good things that we share between us out… just because I can’t have it ALL.  I can’t have EVERYTHING.  Am I throwing out the baby with the bathwater?  Should I just appreciate the fun times we do have?  Because the time we do get to spend with one another – is magical and loving and joyful.  It truly is.

What do you guys think… I would love to hear readers opinions on this, especially if you have experienced something similar – no matter what side of the fence you are/were on (the wife, the mistress, the husband, the cheater, the one being cheated on)… I’m looking for no bullshit, honest, open, yet respectful opinions on the situation… those will be gratefully appreciated…

23 Comments »

Admittance and exploration of my little side.

I identify with SO many of the feelings, hopes and worries that she writes about, when I was first exploring my Little side, about a year ago.
Wishing her the best of luck with her discovering her own unique way of submission. It is an awesome journey.

Leave a comment »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 428 other followers