Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

30 Days of Kink – Day Three

on October 31, 2012

Day 3:  How did you discover you were kinky?

This is a difficult question.  Looking back, even to early childhood, I think there were signs of me being kinky but the question is how did I discover I was kinky.  I would consider the moment when I realized I was truly kinky and that this wasn’t just a fleeting interest, really wasn’t ONE moment at all.  It seemed to happen in stages for me.  It was an awakening and it is still happening.  I was exploring it for months before I really started to accept that this kinky part of me, this side of me that was attracted to all things BDSM – is really part of who I am sexually.  I think I am still in the process of discovering and accepting my kinkyness.

A while ago, my Dom asked me if I thought I had a good grasp on things or if I felt as though this was just the ‘tip’ of things…  I still feel that I have barely entered into this new world of BDSM.  There is so much for me to still explore and to discover.  I feel like this is where I belong, where I should have been long ago.  There have been things that I thought I wasn’t interested in but then discover I am when I find myself reacting sexually to them.

Sometimes discovering my kinks… scares me.  I worry sometimes because I react so strongly to certain things, like my newly discovered interest in ‘knife play’.  I watched a video of a couple engaging in it and it immediately turned me on.  When I talked to my Dom about it and he showed me  a knife and I imagined him playing with me, it was such an intense sexual response… I mean how fucked up is that?  How fucked up is it to get turned on by a man dragging a weapon across my skin?  A knife in the hands of a lover…  It’s more than a little fucked up and sometimes when I think about it, it upsets me.  BUT there is no denying what it does to me.  I love it.

I don’t know if I will ever be done discovering my kinks.  I certainly hope that I will learn to embrace them and accept them because they are a part of who I am.  This path is one I am meant to walk down…  it feels right.  Sometimes it is thrilling, sometimes it is very scary but walk it I will.

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