Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
This is a difficult question. Looking back, even to early childhood, I think there were signs of me being kinky but the question is how did I discover I was kinky. I would consider the moment when I realized I was truly kinky and that this wasn’t just a fleeting interest, really wasn’t ONE moment at all. It seemed to happen in stages for me. It was an awakening and it is still happening. I was exploring it for months before I really started to accept that this kinky part of me, this side of me that was attracted to all things BDSM – is really part of who I am sexually. I think I am still in the process of discovering and accepting my kinkyness.
A while ago, my Dom asked me if I thought I had a good grasp on things or if I felt as though this was just the ‘tip’ of things… I still feel that I have barely entered into this new world of BDSM. There is so much for me to still explore and to discover. I feel like this is where I belong, where I should have been long ago. There have been things that I thought I wasn’t interested in but then discover I am when I find myself reacting sexually to them.
Sometimes discovering my kinks… scares me. I worry sometimes because I react so strongly to certain things, like my newly discovered interest in ‘knife play’. I watched a video of a couple engaging in it and it immediately turned me on. When I talked to my Dom about it and he showed me a knife and I imagined him playing with me, it was such an intense sexual response… I mean how fucked up is that? How fucked up is it to get turned on by a man dragging a weapon across my skin? A knife in the hands of a lover… It’s more than a little fucked up and sometimes when I think about it, it upsets me. BUT there is no denying what it does to me. I love it.
I don’t know if I will ever be done discovering my kinks. I certainly hope that I will learn to embrace them and accept them because they are a part of who I am. This path is one I am meant to walk down… it feels right. Sometimes it is thrilling, sometimes it is very scary but walk it I will.