I arrived at the cottage this afternoon. It is great. Really nice. Last night, this morning and now – I am feeling a bit panicky. I’ve been trying to analyze it. It’s been awhile since I felt like this with him and this time… I don’t think it’s nerves about the BDSM… it’s nerves about the relationship. This is our first time “going away” together… (He doesn’t get here till tomorrow morning.) I think it’s sort of a new stage in our relationship and I’m freaking out a bit. How the hell did I get here? I mean… I don’t want to sound ungrateful because he is SO good for me… he really, really is. BUT… I am still scared getting this close to someone and I have gotten close to him… really close. I didn’t think I would allow myself to feel this way again about another man. I had given up men totally for years and years. Now there is Daniel. Daddy. And… sometimes… I stop and ask myself – what the fuck are you doing?