Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Christmas Tree

CHRISTMAS TREE 2012

Merry Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas 2012

 

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Beginning of the End?

Beginning of the End?

Just talked (over messenger) with Daddy.  It’s the first time in a few days that we have actually chatted.  He has had a cold and I’ve been suffering from multi-day migraines, so we both haven’t been feeling very good.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet… but the last time we got together physically, it had been about two weeks since our last visit.  Physically I felt some distance, especially at first.  I mean we hadn’t seen one another for a couple of weeks and for some reason, that time, I found it harder to re-connect with him on that type of level.  I don’t think he noticed and I hesitate to bring it up to him.  I don’t think I will – for now anyway.  We aren’t ‘scheduled’ to get together again till January 9th… so it will be two and a half weeks between visits.  Even longer than last time.

When I don’t talk with him on messenger or over the phone or see him regularly… I start feeling disconnected from him.  Once I start feeling that disconnection… part of me is tempted not to re-connect.  I know things won’t change.  He thinks the spring will be better.  He reminds me… that the time we do spend together, is that more precious because it IS limited.  He is right, of course.  BUT… that negative side of things comes back.

I think part of me is insecure.  I’m not really sure why.  I hate being confused all the time.  I am getting tired of trying to figure myself out, trying to figure our relationship out… I think too much.  Part of me thinks… I need to shit or get off the pot.  I either have to accept the limitations of our ‘relationship’ OR I have to decide that this type of relationship won’t work for me.  For now though… I continue to sit in limbo.

I am seriously considering starting to see a counsellor again, just to have someone to talk things over with, someone outside of what’s happening.  I wonder what Daddy would think of that?

 

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Poem – Lady Injury

Lady Injury
by Idranktheseawater

The rain was stronger than me and there was no place to hide
My strength washed away and I became sorrow’s bride
Too defeated to feel what life was supposed to be
Too clouded by the wind and the cold to even care to see
I stood shivering in the water that rose and filled my shoes
Watching the ground that could own me with one final bruise
Thinking of nothing but an escape from the pain
Some way to forget how my mind was left slain
I closed my eyes for comfort and became the thing I feared
Fell helpless to the ground and that’s when she appeared
She offered serrated medicine for happiness restored
The Lady Injury knelt before me and that’s when I implored
With no place left to turn, and no words left to pray
She placed her hand upon my head and said she was the way
I cried that she had found me in the secret hell I lived
Crept through mud to reach her with so much blood to give
So desperate for distraction I curled up in her lap
Let her take what she needed to keep me in her trap
The life that spilled from me paid the rain to go away
I laid my hurt to rest and found my place to stay
Her fingers traced my face and I became her child
Dependent for her to hide me while the storm raged so wild
I wanted better things for me but she was what I found
More secrets screamed through me while I bled without a sound
I’d rest my head upon her for a chance to get dry
Though still soaked and broken with no tears left to cry
So I rose to my feet and said that we were through
Afraid to need her warmth and what she made me do
I try not to think about the way we used to be
But time wont take away my hearts long wounded plea
I watch her in the distance and it’s like we never met
But the scars she left behind still fill me with regret
Still cold and shivering in this broken house of skin
I say that I don’t want her but she still invites me in
I long to relive when her hand took rest upon my head
But I have to make a choice, so I’ll face the rain instead

 

For more poetry by Idranktheseawater, visit her YouTube channel.

 

 

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Wow… lots I can identify with in this. Beautifully written.

The Words of My Life

Written by: Justin Lee Patton
August 29, 2009

lightsonFrom the safety of your chest and the warmth of your eyes
My fears fall off like clothing
As I dive into the false acceptance
Of your married arms.

Your lips penetrate my existence
And I know the consequences of my actions.
Safely scared. You tell me to let go!
So I lie there believing the muscular ripples of your lies.

Filling the vertical depth of my void
My curiosity is aroused.
And there under the musty sweetness of sex in the air
I wonder what she and I have in common?

Is it the way I suck your lip and hear you faintly moan?
Or the way I glide my hands across your harden body
And feel you squirm,
As you look down into the whiteness of my eyes?

porchlightOver and done. You turn the porch light off and walk back…

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This really speaks to me… especially now.

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Pissed Off

Pissed Off

Some days things look like shit.  Like today.  My teenage daughter has been emotionally hurting me for the last three days or so and I am fucking sick of it.  Seriously.  I hate that I allow her mood, to influence mine.  She wears me down.  I have to get a strategy so it won’t happen again.  I am so pissed off at her, I don’t want to look at her, let alone talk to her.

Today – I am too fucking tired to try to look positively at my own situation.  I am hurt.  Really hurt.  And getting depressed too.  Last night I took twice my sleeping medication… just because I wanted to drug myself.  I felt like self harming but didn’t.  Taking away the emotional pain and replacing it with physical.  Ah… sweet physical pain… can be such a relief.  Such an escape.  Always there to be had in need.

I can’t post this entry as I have written it.  I will go back and delete parts of it… so I can post it.

I instant messengered with Daddy last night.  He said after Christmas things would calm down and he’d be able to see me more often.  He said next week, we’d be able to get together.  Now… he tells me, next week looks hectic and he doesn’t know if we’ll be able to get together or not for sure but that he will “let me know”.  Fantastic.  Part of me is angry because I hate the thought that I need to work myself around HIS schedule in order to see him and he seems to be expecting me to do so now.  Also, he never acknowledges that he SAID he was going to see me next week and that his intention to do so may not happen now.  It is left unsaid.  AND… my ex-husband use to do this to me all the time.  He use to promise, promise, promise.  Oh this week is so busy but next week, we’ll spend time together.  Weeks turned into months, months turned into divorce.  I hate that Daddy’s behaviour is starting to remind me of my ex-husband.  If it is one thing I learned from that marriage – believe actions, not words.  Look at what they do – not at what they say.

So – a combination of a few things are bothering me alot right now.  Part of me is depressed and another part of me is angry.  Most of all…. I want to go to bed and escape.  Night all.

blue-moon-101119-02

 

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Merry? Christmas…

Merry? Christmas

This Christmas has been… um… Christmas.

I’m not going to bitch about the Christmas that I had.  I know there are a lot of people who have NO family, NO loved ones at all.  At least I have them.

Hurt has a way of coming to the surface.  Resurfacing.  Allowing my Little side to emerge… has that brought a new emotional sensitivity?  I am starting to feel again.  I have never been good with that.  Repress, repress, repress.

I wanted to cry yesterday.  I wanted to cry today.  Instead… I had a bad dream and cried while half-asleep last night.  Things to resolve?  Um… yeah.

Fresh pain… old wounds re-opened.  Is Christmas over yet?

 

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Teaser Tuesday – Christmas 2012

Teaser Tuesday

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He knows when he’s backsliding.  It’s happened so many times before he sees the signals before they’re there.  Except this time he doesn’t care as much.  The sense of failure isn’t quite as acute.

 

 

Teaser Tuesday

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read • Open to a random page • Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page • BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!) • Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

 

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Teaser Tuesday – December 18th, 2012

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Being a man not without a frequent consciousness that there was some charm in this life he led, he stood still after looking at the sky as a useful instrument, and regarded it in an appreciative spirit, as a work of art superlatively beautiful.  For a moment he seemed impressed with the speaking loneliness of the scene, or rather with the complete abstraction from all its compass of the sights and sounds of man.  Human shapes, interferences, troubles, and joys were all as if they were not, and there seemed to be on the shaded hemisphere of the globe no sentient being save himself;  he could fancy them all gone round to the sunny side.

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read • Open to a random page • Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page • BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!) • Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

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Musing Monday – December 17th, 2012

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Is there a particular book that is your nemesis–the book you’re determined to one day finish?

Well, I never really looked at it as a nemesis but there are two books that come to mind when I think about this question.  Both of these books, I have started reading and then for one reason or another – never finished.  I do want to restart both from the beginning and read till the end.  They are:

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

war-peace

The Odyssey by Homer

Musing Mondays is a weekly meme hosted by Miz B @ Should Be Reading

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