I hate when I don’t understand what is going on in my head. For the last four or five days, when I think about my relationship with Daddy, I physically feel hurt inside and I don’t have a clear indication as to why. I don’t think I want to face the fact that I am hurting over the fact that I was wrong to think that it wouldn’t matter to me that he couldn’t ‘share’ Christmas with me, the way a normal boyfriend would. My logical mind, told me, it wouldn’t matter if we celebrated Christmas on the ‘correct’ day or not… that we would celebrate Christmas on a different day and it wouldn’t matter. Now that Christmas is actually here – I realize it’s more than just not celebrating on the correct day. It’s about truly being able to share the holidays with him and I realize now it’s not possible.
We are seeing one another on Friday (December 21st) but that will be our only time together before Christmas hits. We were going to go to the toy store together but Daddy thought it might be better for us to have some private, alone time together. It makes me sad because we should be able to do ALL the fun things around Christmas… go to the toy store, walk hand in hand through the snow, watch Christmas specials on TV, go to Christmas craft sales together, share hot chocolate and talk… all that stuff. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I don’t appreciate what I DO have. Maybe I will always be dissatisfied with things no matter what. On the flip side… maybe I don’t ask for enough. Maybe I settle for too little. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I am the only one who can say… if this is going to work for me or not. Maybe holidays will be hard and if that is the big drawback – is that really a horrible sacrifice to make? Part of me wonders… perhaps I can learn from this. Perhaps I can concentrate on ALL the other things I have to be grateful for at the holidays. My daughter, my family, my home… Maybe I need to learn… happiness really is an inside job. HE can’t be expected to make me happy. He’s a wonderful addition to my life… he shouldn’t be the focus of it. More writing to do to figure this out. What is right for me?