Some days things look like shit. Like today. My teenage daughter has been emotionally hurting me for the last three days or so and I am fucking sick of it. Seriously. I hate that I allow her mood, to influence mine. She wears me down. I have to get a strategy so it won’t happen again. I am so pissed off at her, I don’t want to look at her, let alone talk to her.
Today – I am too fucking tired to try to look positively at my own situation. I am hurt. Really hurt. And getting depressed too. Last night I took twice my sleeping medication… just because I wanted to drug myself. I felt like self harming but didn’t. Taking away the emotional pain and replacing it with physical. Ah… sweet physical pain… can be such a relief. Such an escape. Always there to be had in need.
I can’t post this entry as I have written it. I will go back and delete parts of it… so I can post it.
I instant messengered with Daddy last night. He said after Christmas things would calm down and he’d be able to see me more often. He said next week, we’d be able to get together. Now… he tells me, next week looks hectic and he doesn’t know if we’ll be able to get together or not for sure but that he will “let me know”. Fantastic. Part of me is angry because I hate the thought that I need to work myself around HIS schedule in order to see him and he seems to be expecting me to do so now. Also, he never acknowledges that he SAID he was going to see me next week and that his intention to do so may not happen now. It is left unsaid. AND… my ex-husband use to do this to me all the time. He use to promise, promise, promise. Oh this week is so busy but next week, we’ll spend time together. Weeks turned into months, months turned into divorce. I hate that Daddy’s behaviour is starting to remind me of my ex-husband. If it is one thing I learned from that marriage – believe actions, not words. Look at what they do – not at what they say.
So – a combination of a few things are bothering me alot right now. Part of me is depressed and another part of me is angry. Most of all…. I want to go to bed and escape. Night all.