Beginning of the End?
Just talked (over messenger) with Daddy. It’s the first time in a few days that we have actually chatted. He has had a cold and I’ve been suffering from multi-day migraines, so we both haven’t been feeling very good.
I haven’t talked to him about this yet… but the last time we got together physically, it had been about two weeks since our last visit. Physically I felt some distance, especially at first. I mean we hadn’t seen one another for a couple of weeks and for some reason, that time, I found it harder to re-connect with him on that type of level. I don’t think he noticed and I hesitate to bring it up to him. I don’t think I will – for now anyway. We aren’t ‘scheduled’ to get together again till January 9th… so it will be two and a half weeks between visits. Even longer than last time.
When I don’t talk with him on messenger or over the phone or see him regularly… I start feeling disconnected from him. Once I start feeling that disconnection… part of me is tempted not to re-connect. I know things won’t change. He thinks the spring will be better. He reminds me… that the time we do spend together, is that more precious because it IS limited. He is right, of course. BUT… that negative side of things comes back.
I think part of me is insecure. I’m not really sure why. I hate being confused all the time. I am getting tired of trying to figure myself out, trying to figure our relationship out… I think too much. Part of me thinks… I need to shit or get off the pot. I either have to accept the limitations of our ‘relationship’ OR I have to decide that this type of relationship won’t work for me. For now though… I continue to sit in limbo.
I am seriously considering starting to see a counsellor again, just to have someone to talk things over with, someone outside of what’s happening. I wonder what Daddy would think of that?