Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Beginning of the End?

on December 31, 2012

Beginning of the End?

Just talked (over messenger) with Daddy.  It’s the first time in a few days that we have actually chatted.  He has had a cold and I’ve been suffering from multi-day migraines, so we both haven’t been feeling very good.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet… but the last time we got together physically, it had been about two weeks since our last visit.  Physically I felt some distance, especially at first.  I mean we hadn’t seen one another for a couple of weeks and for some reason, that time, I found it harder to re-connect with him on that type of level.  I don’t think he noticed and I hesitate to bring it up to him.  I don’t think I will – for now anyway.  We aren’t ‘scheduled’ to get together again till January 9th… so it will be two and a half weeks between visits.  Even longer than last time.

When I don’t talk with him on messenger or over the phone or see him regularly… I start feeling disconnected from him.  Once I start feeling that disconnection… part of me is tempted not to re-connect.  I know things won’t change.  He thinks the spring will be better.  He reminds me… that the time we do spend together, is that more precious because it IS limited.  He is right, of course.  BUT… that negative side of things comes back.

I think part of me is insecure.  I’m not really sure why.  I hate being confused all the time.  I am getting tired of trying to figure myself out, trying to figure our relationship out… I think too much.  Part of me thinks… I need to shit or get off the pot.  I either have to accept the limitations of our ‘relationship’ OR I have to decide that this type of relationship won’t work for me.  For now though… I continue to sit in limbo.

I am seriously considering starting to see a counsellor again, just to have someone to talk things over with, someone outside of what’s happening.  I wonder what Daddy would think of that?



4 responses to “Beginning of the End?

  1. writingthebody says:

    This is so hard and so honest. And I have no answers. I am not sure about counsellors in the long run – you know what they will say. (Yes stop smoking dope, and they will ask what you are getting out of the relationship etc). But then there is always value in talking to someone, anyone. Why not here? There are so many beautiful submissives in exactly your kind of space. Many of them have found a way…you can too!

    But I completely understand your feelings. I feel the same stuff – lost and afraid, despite my loved ones, and those who love me.

    • Thank you for your comment. It means alot to me that people are reading what I write and seem to identify with it enough to care.
      I appreciate the encouragement you offer and the validation of my feelings too.
      Thank you!

  2. writingthebody says:

    My pleasure entirely, I love your blog.

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