Email To Daddy – Awaiting A Response
The following email below is the unedited email I sent to Daddy (other than some names/locations altered for privacy issues). (Also… Added some pictures for interest.) I spoke with Daddy briefly last night but he was on his way out the door to work, so he hasn’t had time to properly respond but assures me he will. To me this email is really revealing a lot of truths and sensitivities I have kept hidden my entire life. They may not seem like drastic revelations to some but to me – they hit very close to the heart. I feel like I am revealing a part of myself to him and I am quite nervous and anxious about how he will respond. Not that I don’t trust he will respond sensitively, it’s just that this is such a big emotional step for me. It’s a big ‘reveal’, so to speak, in my emotional being. I have decided to share it with you, hoping for some comments and/or insight from others.
I want to run something by you… because it’s been brewing in me for a few weeks now.
To try to make a complicated explanation – shorter…
I have been noticing for the last few weeks especially, that (and this might sound a little odd to you)… I have been feeling.
By ‘feeling’… I mean… usually I am pretty even keeled. I am pretty flat lined. Not that I don’t FEEL… it’s just usually my emotions don’t dip too low or too high, generally speaking. I mean of course, if something particularly awful happens – I get upset but… normally, everyday type stuff – I don’t really have too wide of an emotional range, so to speak.
For the last while… (hard to say exactly when I think it actually started)… my emotional range has extended quite a lot. I mean when I feel happy about something – I feel really happy about it. When I feel sad about something – I feel really sad about it. When I feel hurt by something, I feel really hurt about it. There has been a significant increase in the intensity of feeling things about stuff that happens.
I’ve (of course, you know me) thought about it, tried to analyze it a bit… and I’m starting to think that NOT repressing my little side all the time, like I use to, is also causing me NOT to repress my other feelings too.
I don’t really know, what’s normal when it comes to feelings and emotions and stuff. I know I have always had difficulty identifying my feelings, admitting my feelings and of course actually allowing myself to FEEL my feelings. I simply don’t normally allow myself to feel anything with any real amount of intensity to it. This has been something I have done since I was quite young. If there was a motto for how I normally deal with stuff… it would be ‘repress, repress, repress’. It’s how I have always dealt.
I have repressed in a number of ways over the years. Everything from just mentally and consciously deciding to repress (which eventually turned into repressing unconsciously), to drinking heavily, to doing drugs, food and eating is obviously a big one, prescription drugs is another big one (these are just the ones off the top of my head).
I can actually remember when I started ‘teaching’ myself how to take ‘bad’ feelings and make them mentally go away. I remember feeling at the time, like I was discovering something really, really cool… cause now I could do and live life a lot easier without these ‘bad’, ‘inconvenient’ feelings getting in my way. I was at the time, consciously learning and teaching myself to repress feelings (although at the time, I certainly didn’t even know the vocabulary of ‘repression’ to describe what I was actually doing).
Anyway… I’m trying not to tell my entire history here but now that I AM experiencing these ups and downs, I don’t know how normal it is. I mean I know that might sound a little fucked up to you… but I don’t know if this is okay. It scares me a bit because I’m afraid that I’m going to start sliding down this hill of feeling emotions and I’ll end up a fucking basket case all the time. There is a part of me though… that likes feeling things. I mean… sure there is the bad side to it but… there’s also the good side. When I feel good and happy – I feel really good and really happy. It’s not blunted happiness like it use to be. (I’m not sure if that will make sense to you or not.)
I really think that it’s NOT my environment that is changing so much, as it’s ME changing.
For example, over the holidays… I left the house on Christmas Eve day… really up. Feeling really excited about the holidays, seeing everyone, having some good quality family time… but during the extended drive… (daughter) was in a horrible mood and it took a while but eventually it wore my down. I gradually started to feel irritated and upset but still not too bad. But then… by the time we arrived at my sister’s place and we went out for dinner… between my sister and (daughter) BOTH getting on my case (they both have really strong personalities)… things were said by BOTH of them that really hurt me (and I felt ganged up on because my sister was right there ‘siding’ and agreeing with (daughter)). Normally, I would be pissed off at it but I wouldn’t have felt the hurt and especially the intensity of hurt that I did feel. Normally I would have reacted with a bit of anger or irritability but I would repress most of the emotion quite quickly and essentially be ‘over it’… like it didn’t really matter or never really happened. Instead of that, this time what happened actually hurt me. I felt it and I physically felt it. I sat there, in the middle of the restaurant, feeling really hurt, not saying a word for several minutes, then spending the rest of the dinner just trying to get through it, fighting the urge to go escape to the washroom where I knew I would burst out and cry. That is SO not normally like me at all.
It’s like I am again becoming that sensitive child that my mother had a hard time dealing with, let alone validating. That five-year old child that overheard my mother telling my kindergarten teacher that I was ‘a really sensitive child’, essentially telling that teacher that my feelings weren’t really a normal reaction to what had happened anyway, that I was overreacting and not to really pay too much attention to it. It was way back then, that I started to learn that the way I felt… my feelings and the way I expressed my feelings – was not okay. There was something wrong not only that I had them but in the way I handled them. Looking back at it… I realize I really wasn’t abnormal… I was a little kid that was hurt by something my teacher did. Maybe I was a sensitive child… maybe. Or maybe my mother just didn’t feel comfortable with her own emotions and certainly didn’t feel comfortable handling MY emotions either. I don’t even thing it really was that I was a particularly sensitive kid – I was just a little kid, having little kid feelings, like any other kid. I’m still not really able to determine which it was… because my sense of knowing what is and is not in the ‘normal spectrum’ of feeling is so confusing for me, I don’t know if it would be considered being sensitive or not. Regardless, I know that growing up, handling feelings in a healthy and appropriate way wasn’t modeled by anyone in the home and I never really learned how to deal with my feelings in a healthy manner – without guilt, without hiding them, without redirecting them, without denying them, without repressing them or coping with them in some other unhealthy manner. Everything was fine with my mother, as long as you didn’t feel anything too much. There was absolutely no encouragement to talk or express any feeling of sadness or hurt… that she actively modelled and encouraged us to hide, minimize and ignore. She was a fantastic minimizer. I remember coming home one day and walking into the kitchen and telling her an ex-boyfriend of mine had just been killed in a drunk driving accident. Her response was: “Oh… that’s too bad. We are having spaghetti for dinner in about 10 minutes.” Okay… so I walked into my bedroom. Later, at dinner I brought up that I didn’t know if I should attend his funeral of not. Her response: “Oh, I don’t think so. There really isn’t a need for that.” That was it. No further discussion. That sort of example, was par for the course in how things were handled growing up. My grandmother (on my Dad’s side) had a stroke and was sent to the hospital, so my parents both left and drove down to (location 1) (we were living in (location 2) at the time). So anyway, within 24 hours or so, she died in the hospital. My parents never came back to (location 2) or arranged to have us kids picked up and driven to (location 1), in order to attend her funeral. All four of us kids (not really ‘kids’, my brother 22, sister 21, me 16, sister 14), really resented the fact that we were unable and not allowed to attend the funeral of my grandmother. That was how emotions were handled – they didn’t really happen.
I feel the need to say – my parents were not and are not bad parents at all. I certainly didn’t have a horrible childhood. My parents had four children, little money and they were doing the best that they could – which overall, was pretty damn good, all considered. I know that and I certainly don’t mean to complain or criticize them and the job they did as parents. I’m very grateful to them both. I don’t want you to think I’m some ungrateful little brat, whining that mommy didn’t validate her feelings enough… (not that you would think that… but sometimes part of ME thinks that, which is why I feel guilty even discussing this).
So anyway… this was SUPPOSE to be the short version of things – LOL.
Trying to summarize what I’m saying is: since allowing myself to allow my Little side to emerge… I think it’s connected to the fact that I am no longer repressing my emotions and feelings like I normally do. I’m noticing it and I’m a little worried and freaked out by it. I think maybe it’s a good thing… maybe a healing thing… that I am beginning to allow feelings to come to the surface but I also worry a bit that I am unprepared to know how to deal with all of my feelings in a healthy manner, when they do emerge.
One thing I have thought about… is maybe going into some type of therapy. I don’t know though because I think the wrong therapist can do a lot more harm than good and I just feel like I’m at a point that I am becoming so vulnerable… it’s again, trusting another person.
I’m also afraid of the possibility of the judgement I might get from the therapist in regards to the BDSM path I’m on and the uniqueness of the relationship that you and I have. So for those reasons, I hesitate. I really want to know what you think is best in that regard.
So…. I just wanted to let you know what was going on with me. I don’t want to focus TOO much on it… that’s not why I am bringing it up. I more just wanted you to be aware of it. I have delayed talking to you about it for a few weeks because I needed to process it a bit more myself but I also don’t want to appear ‘weak’ or ‘attention seeking’ or ‘needy’ either. All of those things make me feel uncomfortable and it’s part of the reason why I have been somewhat reluctant to discuss this with you.
I know you aren’t there to fix all my problems. I know I have some issues and a lot of growth that I need to do and I’m just not sure how MUCH I should share with you. You aren’t my therapist. BUT… at the same time… I want to be totally open about where I am with things. And this is affecting my thoughts and my views and my attitude towards allowing myself to feel Little. I have a feeling that… if I continue down this road of exploring my sexuality and of exploring being Little… it will come with the need to deal with some of these issues.
I think it’s important to communicate and I don’t want to hide what is actually going on with me from you because I know that is a slippery slope for me. Once I start hiding… it builds and I know where it ends up eventually. I don’t want that for us.
I guess part of me is feeling a bit insecure about how deeply you want to become involved with me. I mean, I just can’t see how I can continue to explore this path with you… without being totally open and communicating and transparent about where I am at.
I don’t know if you really want to take ‘me’ and all my fucked-up-edness that comes along with me being able to explore this path.
Maybe I analyze things way too much. Maybe I look too much for meaning and read way too much into things. Maybe I simply think too much.
And yes, I guess I do. BUT here we are.
So, anyway, I’m not really sure where to leave this… other than to say, that I really would like your insight into things and your feelings on what I have said. I’d like to know what you think of the therapist idea. I’d also like to get some sort of idea of how involved you want to be in what’s going on with me when it comes to stuff like this.
I would like it if you thought things over and wrote me back a letter about it. I don’t really want to attempt to go in-depth about it over messenger, without getting the bulk of things sorted out first through letters, if that’s okay?
Sorry to drop this on you in one big lump, especially knowing it’s Thursday and will be a long night for you tonight. Please feel free to put it on a back burner for a bit if you wish.
So… I think I better finally head to bed. My sleeping schedule is TOTALLY messed up from when I was sleeping weird hours with my migraines. I really need to work to get myself back on track.
Going off to cuddle with Trax.
Daddy… I love you and I’m sorry if I’m a bit complicated. I wish I wasn’t.