For the last week or so… I have really be questioning myself… I am starting to wonder just how ‘adult’ I actually am. Up until quite recently – I have suppressed my Little side.
I have ‘acted’ like an adult and I thought I was doing a damn good job of it. I think by all appearances… I am doing a good job. I function pretty well in an adult world and I am technically doing it on my own (no spouse). However, now that I am allowing my Little side to emerge, I have been realizing the contrast… between Little and Adult. What I am starting to realize is… I don’t think I’m actually as grown up as I once thought.
Daddy and how he handles things… is very adult. The things he is ‘helping’ me with… are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my own. Simple things, like making a bedtime and taking my vitamins. It’s not rocket science – it’s responsiblity for yourself. If Daddy isn’t there making sure I do those things… I know I wouldn’t be doing them.
Another aspect of this I have also been pondering… is my emotional maturity. That is where I think I am most lacking. I don’t handle my feelings well. I don’t rage or take temper tantrums… it’s not overly obvious that I have difficulty with emotions… which is likely why I have been getting away with doing it for so long. The problem is… I don’t deal with my emotions well, which causes me physical harm (health issues, migraines etc), as well as emotional harm to myself (depression, irritability etc).
Not being a fully functioning adult, must also affect my daughter in certain ways as well. Children learn from what they see – not from what they are told. Is it any wonder that my daughter is having a difficult time dealing with her emotions in a healthy way? I haven’t modelled that behaviour for her.
So – where to go from here?
I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and allowing it a place to grow, will actually end up helping my adult side grow as well.
I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and blossom… is actually reinforcing NOT being an adult and NOT learning to handle things in a more adult way.
I question myself – perhaps I am being too hard on myself.
I question if I am lacking… if I am ‘less than’ because I am actually not a fully functioning, well-adjusted adult (although appearances may deceive).
I question if perhaps I don’t actually deceive and play the role of an adult, as well as I think I do. Perhaps some people are on to me and have been for a while, I just haven’t realized or acknowledged it.
These are the things I have been wondering about lately.
Growing Up Little indeed.