Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Questioning Myself…

on March 12, 2013

For the last week or so… I have really be questioning myself…  I am starting to wonder just how ‘adult’ I actually am.  Up until quite recently – I have suppressed my Little side.

I have ‘acted’ like an adult and I thought I was doing a damn good job of it.  I think by all appearances… I am doing a good job.  I function pretty well in an adult world and I am technically doing it on my own (no spouse).  However, now that I am allowing my Little side to emerge, I have been realizing the contrast… between Little and Adult.  What I am starting to realize is… I don’t think I’m actually as grown up as I once thought.

Daddy and how he handles things… is very adult.  The things he is ‘helping’ me with… are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my own.  Simple things, like making a bedtime and taking my vitamins.  It’s not rocket science – it’s responsiblity for yourself.  If Daddy isn’t there making sure I do those things… I know I wouldn’t be doing them.

Another aspect of this I have also been pondering… is my emotional maturity.  That is where I think I am most lacking.  I don’t handle my feelings well.  I don’t rage or take temper tantrums… it’s not overly obvious that I have difficulty with emotions… which is likely why I have been getting away with doing it for so long.  The problem is… I don’t deal with my emotions well, which causes me physical harm (health issues, migraines etc), as well as emotional harm to myself (depression, irritability etc).

Not being a fully functioning adult, must also affect my daughter in certain ways as well.  Children learn from what they see – not from what they are told.  Is it any wonder that my daughter is having a difficult time dealing with her emotions in a healthy way?  I haven’t modelled that behaviour for her.

So – where to go from here?

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and allowing it a place to grow, will actually end up helping my adult side grow as well.

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and blossom… is actually reinforcing NOT being an adult and NOT learning to handle things in a more adult way.

I question myself – perhaps I am being too hard on myself.

I question if I am lacking…  if I am ‘less than’ because I am actually not a fully functioning, well-adjusted adult (although appearances may deceive).

I question if perhaps I don’t actually deceive and play the role of an adult, as well as I think I do.  Perhaps some people are on to me and have been for a while, I just haven’t realized or acknowledged it.

These are the things I have been wondering about lately.

Growing Up Little indeed.

 

 

 

 

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6 responses to “Questioning Myself…

  1. littlekaninchen says:

    You writing this and acknowledging your Little.. Shows you are adult. You’re being too harsh. I think you spend a lot of time trying to find yourself… But I’ve been following and you are a great person. Not a lot of people know who they are.. You do! None of us are perfect… We all have those things that we don’t like about ourselves… The things we do that don’t seem the best… But you know what.. You self reflect … You learn from it… How much better can you be? Give yourself a break.. Love yourself… Everything and everyone will fall into place… If they don’t then just let them fall… Away…
    Wishing the best Always!
    Little K ❤❤❤🐇

  2. hotlilmess says:

    You are acknowledging your entire self, that is beautiful. i have found that embracing my little self allows some responsibility and stress to escape, no matter how small of a “task” it is, it is reassuring to know that someone else cares enough about you to help you through the day. Let’s face it, who doesn’t love a good blankie to wrap up in, or 10 minutes to sit and swing on a sunny day? In return, for those of us that have that little side, when we allow ourselves to have that peace and gratification, in return, i find it is much less stressful in the adult world because i am calmer and carry a peace with me. To me, that is the ultimate satisfaction of being an adult. My choice to be who i want. i commend you lil one. ❤

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