Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

The ‘Other Woman’… always the evil one?

on March 22, 2013

I was browsing blogs the other day and stumbled upon a blog that belongs to a woman whose husband had an affair.  In one of her posts… the ‘other woman’ was described in a negative light.  Which got me thinking…  (disclaimer!  the thoughts below are MY thoughts that I had after reading her post, I am in no way attributing the words below as being hers…)

  • Is it truly fair that people tend to lump the ‘other woman’ into one category?
  • Is it fair to assume that the ‘other woman’ MUST be a husband stealing, awful, lying bitch?
  • Is it fair to think that once a woman becomes the ‘other woman’… she can never again be truly trusted?
  • Is it true that a woman is more responsible for having an affair than a man is (even if she is the one who is single, she is the one who didn’t betray vows made etc…) – simply because she is a woman and doesn’t tend to be led by sexual urges?
  • Do people tend to blame the ‘other woman’, more than the man?  If so, why?
  • Are there any circumstances where being the ‘other woman’ can actually improve someone else’s marriage, even though the wife may be unaware of the true reason why?
  • If a single friend of yours… revealed to you that she was having an affair with a married man – would that change your opinion of her in a negative way?

Curious minds… want to know!!!


18 responses to “The ‘Other Woman’… always the evil one?

  1. People tend to blame the woman, but I feel it is the man who should burden the most responsibility. If you take a vow of marriage, honor it. There will ALWAYS be outside influences and temptations.

    It isn’t always about sexual urges, it could just be that the woman is in love with someone who is already taken, and I wouldn’t hold her accountable for that. Sure, she should have some self-restraint but who am I to judge?

    A friend of mine revealed to me last year she was having an affair with a married man. It didn’t change my opinion of her, but I knew that she would be disappointed in the outcome. It ended with a simple text saying he was staying with his wife, and she was heartbroken.

    Interesting topic btw.

    • Thank you for commenting!
      I am really interested in seeing what people’s opinions are on this topic.
      It seems like there is such a variance but that regardless of what stance is taken… people tend to feel strongly about it, one way or the other.

      Sadly, I think there are still so many sexist attitudes out there when it comes to discussing the ‘other woman’.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. mamidarkness says:

    I was just talking about this with my bf. One of his friends on fb posted something about nasty hoes going off with married men and ruining other women’s relationships that they worked so hard on, I did not agree with the post but my bf was cool with it saying it was just someones perspective. I don’t really vibe with that either it is becoming apparent to me over the years that women have been repressed sexually. And it is a concern of mine because I love hoes and I’m a very sexual being…I also come from a culture where men can have more than one wife and a woman can have a lover or a marry another woman into her marriage. It is my own personal belief on this one now but I truely believe that europeans introducing one man one woman marriages to the rest of the world partly ruined the freedom we ‘had’ sexually. I think back in the day before the roman catholic church forced us to make marriages into contracts ‘cheating’ didn’t exist cause everybody was fucking everybody and nobody thought it was wrong or trashy or immoral because we were free to be who we are naturally. Shit we’re not even going to be on this planet that long…are ppl really hating on a chick trying to bust a nut? If we all did what we wanted we wouldn’t have room or time to judge a woman for wanting some love…and care even less where its coming from. Historically hoes were held in high regard….whoaaa how the mighty have fallen.

    • What a super interesting perspective. Thank you for commenting.
      It has given me even MORE to think about on this topic.
      It is interesting how religion also plays it role in this topic!
      AND… the fact that different cultures have different views when it comes to sex and if that is the ‘norm’ to have it between one man and one woman only.
      I guess argument could be made… don’t make vows, if you don’t intend to keep them… but I know that when I got married at the age of 22 – I have no REAL idea what I was getting myself into. Not that I ever cheated while I was married but still.
      Thanks for reading and thanks again for commenting with your unique perspective on things!

  3. Dusty Katt says:

    My problem with this label is that “The Other Woman” doesn’t always know that’s who she is. What if he lied and told her he’s single? I say this because it’s happened to me. I had no idea he was married. How does that make me the bad guy? He’s the one that lied to us both. Also what about the wife that allows this behavior from her husband? I’ve seen it. You blame me for screwing around with your man but you don’t hold him responsible. This condones his actions and only encourages him further. If you can’t take that he’s going to do this then leave. If you are married to a man that is looking for more than either except that or get out. As for him, have enough balls to tell the truth. If you’re not getting what you need at home try telling her that. You might just be surprised by the outcome. Perhaps bringing a third into your relationship is what is needed. You won’t know until you talk about it. I know that the occasional threesome has been healthy for my marriage and I have no problem with it. It just took a really long time to find a man that was willing to be honest about what he wanted. That being said, I would become jealous if they were to develop feelings for each other. At that point I would say we both have to stand back and reevaluate our relationship. Wow! That was a lot more then I intended to say. Thanks for giving me a chance to speak my mind about this.

    • I’m glad you DID say it!
      It’s another side to the ‘other woman’ that needed to be expanded on!
      I’m glad you spoke your mind about it – I totally encourage that on this blog!

      That happened to me! I was dating a guy for a few months and found out he was LIVING with another woman. (that weren’t married but the same principal applies)
      I had even been to THEIR home – not knowing that he shared this home with HER.
      Luckily… it was HER that found him out and she approached me and let me know what was happening. She was calm and certainly didn’t blame ME for what happened. She realized that it wasn’t MY fault… HE had been lying to both of us. When I found out what he was all about and how he had lied to me, I was G-O-N-E. I’m not sure if SHE ended up staying with him or not… I would be curious to know. I hope she didn’t. She deserved better.

      I realize though… that sometimes, the ‘wife’ or ‘live-in’ that discovers their man is cheating is NOT calm and rational and does NOT put the blame for what happened where it BELONGS. It is unfortunate that some women do that to other women… It’s frustrating to see some women take their anger our on the ‘other woman’ when it belongs on HIM. He is truly the one responsible – face it. Emotionally I suppose it is easier to blame someone, other than the person she was actually betrayed by. The mind works in funny ways, in the attempt to protect itself from harm and hurt.

      Thanks for commenting and thanks for your honest thoughts and speaking your mind!

  4. Scott M says:

    If i may, I would like to touch on “the other man”. I was married to a woman for 8 years, I am currently in recovery and come to the realization that in my drunkenness I was neglectful, and physically and mentally abusive. She would lock herself in our room and cry herself to sleep every night. I was extremely jealous that her best friend in the world was another man. Assuming that she was sleeping with him the whole time. This was not the fact, he was giving her the badly needed attention and respect that i was not giving her. One night the came back from there drive and she told me that they had made love, and wanted to know if should separate for awhile of have it over. In that moment I was not thinking clearly and chose that it was over, throwing everything we had vested in our marriage out the window. But, now I see things in a different light, he was and had always been what was best for her and the kids. In this case “the other man” was the better man for her in the long run.

    • Thank you for commenting!
      It seems like you have done a lot of personal growing since that time.
      I can tell that, just from your comment.
      It looks like you have learned a lot from your experience… and have reflected on it.
      I hope you are now in a healthy, better relationship because of it?

      • One of the biggest reasons both of my mirages failed, was that i was not well equipped with to tools that makes things work. I never learned from my parents, or any of my peers growing up how to function and present myself in a positive manner. Or any, of the more simple points in life like self care. I cad not life skills or communication skills when I left home. So I have been self taught since I was 18. My fist mirage was just dysfunctional to say the least, my fist wife would leave for days on time going on benders. When we were not drinking and using at home with the children present. Neither of us were not fit to be parents at that point. My second wife was an amazing woman, and for the first couple years thing were great, when i got with here and the three kids at that going great. I gave up the drinking and drugs and even the gambling to be with them all. Life was awesome, but even at that I still did not know how to be present either as a husband or a father. So not even knowing it my drinking progressively got worse, to the point that i was informed not to long ago that I was a blackout drinker. And had done some horrible things to my family, even blaming the kids and neighbors kids of drinking all the alcohol in the basement fridge. Things were falling apart at the seems and in my own head i thought everything was just fine. I had everything under control i thought, as my world was crumbling under my own feet. So ya, i was not able to be there for her emotionally, or mentally. I did not even know how to be present, I know how it feels to want to be able to articulate but no words come out that are in anyway productive or positive. She and the have found someone that is good to them and can give her and the kids what they needs, I am very grateful to this man.

      • So, what are you doing to change things for yourself now?

  5. lee says:

    I agree with Dustty Kat that the other woman is often lied to and has no idea she is “the Other Woman” but the lies are usually a big part of it even if she knows about the wife….Lets face it ,I don’t believe any woman wakes up one morning and says mmmmmn think I’ll go get me a married man today..there are always circumstances involved and each situation is different..sometimes its a matter of two people who started out innocently as friends and then feelings evolve from there ,maybe it starts out with the man lying about his marital status and by the time the other woman finds out again she has developed feelings and cant bare to leave. Whatever the circumstances are I have found not only from my own experience(and I have experienced both sides of the coin ,being the wife being cheated on and being the other woman) there are always two constants ..One the husband is always telling some lies to both the wife and the mistress and two and most important one I think is that the husband has become disillusioned with his wife…Men who are in Happy marriages don’t cheat ,plain and simple, the ones that do are feeling like their wives don’t love them ,or they don’t appreciate the efforts they make in the family or they are not having their needs met emotionally or sexually there is always a reason they give for finding themselves in this position where they are cheating on their wives. And yes you could say well if he’s not happy he should leave but often the reason they don’t is because there are children involved …not all men are dead beat dads..there are a lot who cant bare not to be with their kids every day and so they stay even though they are unhappy …women say well if they are unhappy they should leave but that’s easier for us to say as we generally are the ones who end up with custody of the children… I have heard many reasons from the husbands as to why they went looking elsewhere like she doesn’t appreciate me ,she doesn’t love me,she doesn’t cook anymore ,she doesn’t take care of her appearance anymore(lets face it laddies when we are single we spend all kinds of time making sure we look good in order to get the man so why is it ok after we get them to let it go ?don’t our husbands deserve to see the girl he fell in love with and not some slob in sweat pants who doesn’t ever put on make up or comb her hair) she wont be intimate with him ( hello girls ..Men are walking talking jars of testosterone if they don’t get relief for it from their wives they will eventually get it someplace else) I think instead of putting all the blame on the Other Woman or even the husband maybe some wives need to get off their lazy butts and look in the mirror and ask themselves why it is their husbands feel the need to stray…like I said Men in happy marriages don’t cheat..something is missing that they need and if you love your husband enough to want to hang onto them then its your job to figure it out.

    • Your point of view is interesting because you have been on both sides of the issue.
      I think you are 100 percent correct that there are always various and different circumstances surrounding an ‘affair’ – it isn’t something you can make wide generalizations about – they are so many different circumstances for sure!
      Thanks for reading and commenting!
      It’s been an interesting discussion!

  6. Jules says:

    I am the other woman, and I hate it every moment of every single day! So why not get out, right? I wish it were that easy for me. I am pathetic and it sickens me when I look in the mirror. I am not faultless in this. I hate myself for who I have become and never would I have imagined this is where my life would be. I have read countless stories of the other woman and they all sound like my story except for specifics minute details. It started as friends, there was a connection, it was as though the missing part was suddenly found…only friends until one day a line was crossed then more lines crossed…I was a 32 year old widowed mother of two children when I turned to a man I trusted (he was in a position of counseling)and I talked to him about the questions, so many questions, I had and the fears of raising my children alone. I told him of the life I had lived. Abusive parents, to grow up and marry an abusive man (the cycle doesn’t end) whom I had stayed with until his death (a massive heart attack) out of fear of him taking my children and he had gone as far as threatening killing our son. We were so poor and I spent every penny I had to make ends meet and with no one to help me I was stuck. I just wanted to be happy. Wasn’t looking for a man. I wanted my children and I to be ok. In the course of the conversation, he told me I was beautiful and like no one he had ever met and he was so attracted to me. I thanked him but was uncomfortable. He pursued. He told me no one had ever seen the true beauty of the woman and person I am. Asked how could I be the person I am after coming from the trash I had come from. He flattered me, contacted me, pursued. He said I was like the part of him that had been missing. He had moved here from another part of the state and a divorce and remarriage later, a very unhappy barely 18 mth remarriage later, he just knew that God had brought him here to find me. I was the woman his heart had been looking for. I won’t lie, no one had ever talked to me in that way, made me feel that way, and I believed him, and it felt amazing. I kept my feelings at bay for a long time, but he was persistent. Then of my own fault I started reciprocating all the things he was saying. At this point there is no sex, just flirting and communication. Soon, I watched as other women would come into his life and he would forget me until they left. He would come back to me. And the fool I am, I would go right back. We were “meant to be” after all. Then a new woman blew in. She was the complete opposite of me. I am talking polar opposite. He completely forsook me this time. Cut off communication, lied to me repeatedly, and fell in love with her. I walked away devastated. I had rationalized that I wasn’t trying to take him from his wife. I was just loving him too and giving him what his wife wouldn’t and couldn’t. We were Jacob, Rachel, and Leah of the Bible, and I was the one he loved the most but couldn’t be with. I was there for his wife and we even had some explicit nights, sharing him. He talked her into that and although she didn’t know the full extent of he and I, still we had not had sex, she welcomed me. Pretty terrible huh? Anyway, I had justified everything and I knew I would never try to take him from her or try to destroy his reputation. What in my mind made this ok? I was hopelessly in love with him and he was the best friend of my life and I believed he loved me but was in a situation he couldn’t get out of. Now there was a new woman, and I realized what I was and had always been. I would do until something better came along. He had done it before, but those times for what ever reason, didn’t work out. I was racked with guilt and shame, but also heart ache. He was the first person I had ever believed truly loved me aside from my children. He and the new woman had a wild affair that he risked everything for. He was reckless with her. Risked hurting his children, his family, everyone and everything. I had no communication with him, but people came to me and asked me to please tell them what they were suspecting wasn’t true. Me, not his wife, not him, ME! I didn’t understand why unless they wanted me to tell them it wasn’t true because he had been close to me and they believed I hadn’t had an affair with him. I don’t know but with every question, my heart ripped more and more.
    He ended it with her eventually, said he woke up one morning and thought, “What am I doing here? I don’t like the woman she is and I don’t even find her attractive.” I know this because he came back to me. Told me he realized I was the love of his life. I had been the one he loved all along and he had only turned to her because of his fear with me because he had never felt so strongly about a woman…You would think I would have told him where he could go, but I didn’t. I still love him. I have loved him for a very long time and I have dated and had serious relationships with men, only to compare them to him and they are not him, so I have walked away. Instead I am there for him, right back into that position, I have allowed myself to be with the addition of sex now. He honestly gets everything he wants. So so stupid!!! I am the other woman. I am stupid and every ounce of loneliness, heartache, and isolation I feel because of my love for this man, I deserve…but as this said, he gets off scott free. No repercussions for what he has done. I could make him pay, but I think of all the people who would be hurt…I have made so many poor decisions and as I said deserve every heartache, but I shouldn’t be blamed entirely.

    • Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience.
      I’m sorry that you are hurting. I feel that you are putting a lot of the responsibility of everything on your own shoulders… which I think is unfair to you. I think you went into this with good intentions but it certainly sounds like HE didn’t have the best intentions at all. It sounds like you are use to being pretty hard on yourself.
      I am sending good thoughts and healing karma your way. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

  7. selahgio says:

    Oh yes it is very unfair to name the other woman as evil. Some affairs just happen, and the other woman isn’t trying to intentionally hurt the wife/girlfriend. A person can love more than one person.. Good luck on your pursuit of happiness ❤

    • Thank you for commenting.
      My circumstance and reason for having a relationship with a married man – is a very long story.
      But… it didn’t ‘just happen’ (although I understand that a lot of affairs do start that way).
      In my case, he was upfront about his circumstances and the fact that he is married and the reasons that he looks outside his marriage.
      I went into this… with my eyes open. I have never been involved with a married man before him and never really thought I ever would.

      Some of the biggest factors in my decision to go ahead with our relationship was that
      1. He was honest and upfront about the fact he was married
      2. He had affairs previously, all of which lasted over a year (he wasn’t looking for a fling, he was looking for an alternate relationship
      3. It is very important to him that his wife NOT find out (the may sound strange but some men DO want their wives to find out…) and he is very, very careful about covering his tracks
      4. I do not know his wife and I want to keep it that way. She is a faceless person, although I do care very much that she not find out about our affair… it is certainly NOT my intention to hurt her in any way.
      5. He has no children. If he would have had children, especially small children or children living at home – that would have been a deal breaker for me.

      Life is not black and white. There is a lot of gray in between. I understand that people have strong feelings about affairs, however, everyone’s circumstances are different.
      One of these days… I’m going to write a post and explain my side of the story.

      The ‘other woman’ is not always a mean, cold-hearted, unthinking bitch.
      But a lot of people, paint us with the same brush.
      I hope that people open their minds a little and not jump to conclusions and judge before knowing the full story.

      Thanks for reading my blog.
      I appreciate your understanding and comment.

      • selahgio says:

        Yes, I understand, and that’s very good he was up front. You’re very right, life is not black and white. I’ve wanted to mention this a while ago, I forget how I stumbled upon your blog, but ever since I’ve loved reading your posts 🙂 I just wanted to tell you that 🙂

      • Thank you so much – I’m so glad to hear you enjoy my blog.

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