Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

on April 11, 2013

Can someone throw me some clonazepam?  diazepam?

I think I need a couple.

Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy.  This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.

Not tonight.  I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.

Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.

So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately.  Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing.  No real deep connecting.

So… I told him how I was feeling.  This is a new pattern for me.  Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.

When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty.  I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks.  I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…

On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things.  Putting me as not so much a priority as before.

I already take second place by default.

Am I now, falling further and further down the list?

Does he think I will be okay with that?  Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.

What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!

My auto default is to run.  Ignore.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Three choices.  That’s what my mind automatically falls to.

Run.

Ignore.

Pretend it’s not happening.

Trying to figure out new choices.

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11 responses to “Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

  1. LindaGHill says:

    Tough position to be in…I’ve been there myself. I feel for you.

  2. littlekaninchen says:

    GUL…. Well, these things you do in fear… Stop it! This is where you need to value yourself!
    I get scared and freak out to sometimes and I’m not saying I don’t. But, I’ve notice that instead of having doubts. I need to get up and go straight to Sir with my fear… This D/s is about honesty and communication. I get scared and tell Sir I’m feeling a disconnect…. Then we start being really honest. I tell him what parts of his actions or words make me feel this way. He in turn starts to communicate with you. Tell him your concerns before you get to playtime. As you talk it will help you go deeper into your exchange. Clear the sir so to speak… Most the time it’s absolutely nothing. If its something then you get it out and deal with it.
    Im always here to talk… LittleKaninchen.com if you want privacy…

    LK❤🐇🐇🐇🐇

    • Thank you so much.
      I so appreciate the advice. It is super helpful.
      I know I really do need to lay my cards and my feelings out on the table.
      It has to be in order for this D/s slash DD/lg thing to be able to continue to work.
      Trust. Openness. Transparency. It’s what it’s all about.
      I think you have to have those things in order for this type of relationship to be able to function.
      So yes… I think I will need to sit down and chat it out before playtime.
      And you’re right – it can take us deeper into the exchange.
      God… I appreciate the experience you are sharing with me.
      Heading to bed right now… only have 3.5 hours of sleep before I have to get up and start getting ready for him to arrive.
      Again – thanks for the valuable advice… I am taking it to heart.
      You rock!

      • littlekaninchen says:

        You will be fine ! I have gotten so caught up in my head and neurotic in the past about this same thing that I’m just speaking from experience.
        I hope it does help. Just breath & hug your Stuffed friends. Take your Sirs hand or lay your head in his lap and feel his safeness. Then lay it out there.. Best Wishes! You’ll do great!
        ❤🐇🐇🐇

  3. hotlilmess says:

    First…hug Mr Moose really tight and breathe. Ok, fears are real. You took the first step and opened the lines of talking. Uneasy, this lil girl knows. Those butterflys in your tummy will find their landing spot soon enough. No matter what, know this, YOU ARE DESERVING OF YOUR FEELINGS…do not hide from them, they always win at hide in seek. P!nk has a new song and one of the lines FUN sings is “nothing is as bad as it seems” http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI. After watching the video, in which P!nk is quite the lovely little, i realized there is truth in that. Once it is out there, it has to be dealt with,and at least the pressure of not knowing can be released. Ok, hug Mr. Moose again. Draw a smiley on your hand so you can smile and be brave at your most scared moment. ❤

    • Luckily – I always take Mr. Moose with me on my travels.
      Thank you for validating my feelings. It is hard for me to do that for myself and I often forget to do so. You reminding me… helped.
      Heading to bed and taking Mr. Moose with me! Lots of cuddles will occur!
      Thanks for your help and advice!
      Hugs back to you!

  4. gypsy116 says:

    I agree with littlekaninchen. Talk it out. Youre feelings are real and valid and they deserve attention just as much as your Daddys do.

  5. […] last time I blogged about my relationship, (Click to view post) I was feeling very disconnected from my Dom.  I was due to see him the next day and was feeling […]

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