Can someone throw me some clonazepam? diazepam?
I think I need a couple.
Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy. This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.
Not tonight. I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.
Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.
I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.
So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately. Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing. No real deep connecting.
So… I told him how I was feeling. This is a new pattern for me. Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.
When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty. I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks. I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…
On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things. Putting me as not so much a priority as before.
I already take second place by default.
Am I now, falling further and further down the list?
Does he think I will be okay with that? Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?
I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.
What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!
My auto default is to run. Ignore. Pretend it isn’t happening. Three choices. That’s what my mind automatically falls to.
Pretend it’s not happening.
Trying to figure out new choices.