I was ‘talking’ with Daddy online last night… and something he said triggered some sadness in me. He referred to our relationship as being an ‘affair’. I know technically that IS what it is but… I don’t really think of it that way. At least, it’s not in the forefront of my mind as such. I just don’t really think of it like that. When I do, it makes me sad.
I get confused sometimes about things. Daddy is mine but at the same time he isn’t. Do I justify things? Rationalize things?
After we talked, I thought more about stuff and started to feel really sad and hurt.
So… I wrote an email to him, telling him how I felt confused and I asked him a bunch of questions.
I want to know… why he stays. I want to know… the dynamic between them. I want to know… do they have meaningful, deep conversations? What’s it like at their house?
I’m waiting for him to jump on the computer so we can chat about things. Part of me wants to avoid this conversation at all costs. Part of me wants to head to bed… take some Ativan and ‘sleep it off’… The problem is… Daddy and I are suppose to get together this Saturday. So… I want to try to figure things out, so that we can either have a nice time together on Saturday or cancel our plans till I feel better about things.
My heart hurts.