I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.
I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?
I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.
I will never truly be a part of his life. I will always be his secret. I won’t ever meet his friends. I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously. He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.
Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life? Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’. Boundaries. Protection. But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role? Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?
A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway? Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.
When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does. He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation. Am I trying to justify? Rationalize? Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t? If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely? Am I ignoring my inner voice? Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have. Am I self sabotaging?
Being in my head – isn’t always a party.