Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Happy – hurt – confused?

on July 3, 2013

I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.

I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?

I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.

I will never truly be a part of his life.  I will always be his secret.  I won’t ever meet his friends.  I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously.  He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.

Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life?  Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’.  Boundaries.  Protection.  But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role?  Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?

A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are?  If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway?  Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.

When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does.  He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation.  Am I trying to justify?  Rationalize?  Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t?  If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely?  Am I ignoring my inner voice?  Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have.  Am I self sabotaging?

Being in my head – isn’t always a party.



29 responses to “Happy – hurt – confused?

  1. Fondles says:

    Oh sweetie i had the same feelings n thoughts some while back. N sometimes i still sink into that place. BIKSS is married w a family n im the other woman but despite never mtg his friends and not being the one he wakes up to, he really has made me happier than all my otger relationships.

    Im 40 and independent and i do treasure my freedom to a degree so this arrangement does seem to work for me.

    I dont know if its the best for u but i just wanted to reach out n say its not unusual or strange to b thinking the way u are. Talk to him about it. It will help.

    I asked him to just listen n reassure me, cos i know tgere isnt much he can do to fix it.

    • That’s where I have the confusion come in. This has been the healthiest relationship that I’ve been in. We communicate really well, we are very sexually compatible… I feel connected to him. I also treasure my independence. I don’t want a man ‘sitting on my couch’, so to speak.
      It’s just painful at times… to know that I am not a part of his ‘real life’. I feel like I am the icing on the cake… but if he was forced to choose… he would pick the cake over the icing… that’s his true ‘bread and butter’.
      Thanks for commenting and letting me know that I’m not the only one out there struggling with this. ((HUGS))

      • Fondles says:

        Oh there is no doubt my Daddy would have to pick his current life too. Kids etc. and he’s too kind to up n abandon something he committed to (to them).

        But i appreciate that he is honest n like u, we’re very compatible. So i’ve come to terms w it, and i get about 6 to 8 hours with him a week. Over two evenings. And if u wanna vent or chat with someone in the same boat, feel free to drop an email.

        It always helps to talk with someone in the same situation.

    • Thanks I appreciate that.

  2. Kayla Lords says:

    I can’t say what’s best for you, but if you are looking to (one day) have a full relationship, I hope you find it with someone who can show you off to the world with pride…you deserve that….

    • Thank you. I’m not sure I’m really ready for a ‘full’ relationship… I’m not sure I would even want a traditional relationship. All I know right now is… there is a lot of hurt and confusion coming up for me with the way things are at the moment. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

  3. Been there. To each their own, but if you have to question it and if you’re not completely happy with the situation… then perhaps it’s time re-evaluate this “relationship.” Life is too short not to want the best for yourself and someone who will cover all those bases for you.

  4. You deserve happiness.. Follow that road… It may be bumpy but the road you are happiest at take it.
    Best Wishes,
    LK ❤❤❤🐇

  5. LindaGHill says:

    Rather than think about what you want out of this relationship, maybe you should concentrate what you want in your life in general. Are you happy being independent or would you rather have someone to come home to every day? If you can make a list of things that are important to you – things that will ultimately make you happy – then see if your current relationship fits. If it doesn’t, then you have your answer.
    Good luck. *hugs*

  6. Gina says:

    You should cut it off. He is married, he can’t stay faithful to his own wife. Don’t ever forget, one day he made a vow to her. He decided he loves her so much, he wanted to be with her until death. But then, he wanted more, which is where you come in. You have a right to be happy, you have a right to be a man’s number one. Be with someone who can make a commitment and stick to it.

    • I understand what you are saying. However, there is a lot of information that you don’t know that you haven’t been able to consider.
      You are right – he is being dishonest with his wife about me. Why do I think he would be honest to me?
      This might sound a bit naive but I truly believe he is trying to do the best he can in the situation he is in. His wife is asexual and has been for many, many years. Is it fair… that he doesn’t get to express himself sexually? Have sex at all? There is a lot of things that go into the reason why he became involved with me.
      In a strange way, I think he is actually trying to protect his wife, remain loyal to her, committed to her… by being with me. I know that sounds backward… but it’s true.
      Things are never so simple. Things don’t always fall into the easy category of black or white. God knows, sometimes, I wish they did!
      I appreciate your comments.

    • I hear what you are saying…
      BUT… I know that when I got married… I didn’t have a CLUE what I was getting into. I don’t think most people do.
      Ultimately… he is still with her.
      He did make a commitment to her… and he is still with her, I believe at least partly out of a sense of loyalty… as messed up as that sounds.

  7. […] Happy – hurt – confused? Jul […]

  8. Ms. Roberts says:

    Hey again, its me. I can relate to you. I am not a BDSMer but I do love my Loverly very much. I understand what you’re going through. I have a lot of doubts, pain, love, et cetera-a lot of mixed feelings. Things are hard now because we don’t get to see each other a lot and of course, I am young with a lot of friends. My Loverly gets VERY jealous. It is hard on both of us. Whenever I talk to another guy he gets upset. When I hang out with one of my guy friends he thinks that friend likes me too much and has only one thing in mind. Like my Loverly being married isn’t bad enough!

    • That sounds like a whole other can of worms.
      I’m sorry to hear that you struggle with that side of things too.
      Jealousy can be such a toxic emotion for both sides to deal with.
      I wish you luck. Thanks for commenting!

  9. Do you have any other possibilities for a full relationship, and would you want that if it came along? How would you feel about dumping this guy?

    • At the moment… I don’t. I am sort of open to dating other people… but I question how emotionally open I can truly consider myself to be. Would I want a full time, typical, traditional relationship right now? Not really. I don’t want to end up living with someone again or getting re-married. I do wish that my Daddy was available to me 24/7 though.

  10. My Dear Friend Growing Up Little,
    I know this reply comes belated as I have been out of town. I do hope by the time you receive this reply, You will be Happier within. Everyone has replied with such love & caring. I would like to Encourage you to Follow Your Heart, and your natural Intuitive “gut” feelings. Only you know what is in your best interest. For me I go through phases. Where I find I really need more attentiveness
    and validation from my Husband. And sadly although I verbalize this, the outcome does not happen the way I visualize this in my Mind’s eye. Please Know That I Wish You Much Happiness.
    Your Friend,

    • Thank you so much… that means a lot to me.
      I’ve shared how I have been feeling with Daddy and we’ve talked about things.
      I am still trying to untangle this mess of feelings and thoughts I have but in the last few days – I have made some progress.
      It is amazing what good – healthy communication can do.
      So – while I don’t feel ‘out of the woods’ yet… I am feeling better about things.
      I appreciate your words of support.
      It’s truly touching the comments of care and concern I have had on my blog.
      I too wish you much happiness.

  11. Wow I can really identify with this. When your Daddy is married you are a part of his life but not apart of a bigger part and that can hurt.

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