I’m still feeling pretty sad and a lot confused about things.
I received quite a few supportive comments on my last post… Happy – hurt – confused. I really appreciate the support I felt coming from my readers. It means a lot to me.
I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head with the relationship I have with Daddy. I’m confused and I’m still feeling a lot of hurt.
What is it that I feel hurt about? I knew, from the very beginning that Daddy was married. What I didn’t know from the beginning was how the two of us would end up feeling about one another. I know Daddy loves me and cares for me. I also know that he is comfortable with his ‘real life’. Why would he give up all the stability, all that he has worked so hard for over his adult life, the mutual friends that him and his wife have together… why would he throw all that away? Especially when he has both of us, the way things are now.
I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful it is. Even though I don’t expect his to leave his wife… I don’t WANT him to leave his wife for me… it still hurts. The situation I have finally woken up and realized that I am in – hurts. I’m mad at myself. I walked into this mess… of my own free will. Did I realize where things would end up? No… but am I here regardless? Yep.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know where to go from here.
Am I able to distance myself a bit… knowing and truly accepting that what we have… will always be eight hours of quality, fun, intense time together… every two weeks? Can I allow myself to be satisfied with that? Should I actually try to look at that as being a positive thing? There ARE a lot of positive things about having a relationship like we do. I get to see the best in him, every time I see him. I get one on one – fully focused attention when I am with him. I know a lot of couples that have nowhere near eight hours of focused time together over a two-week period. I get to be his icing… I get to be the desired one… I get the thoughtful, romantic gestures…
I guess the real question is… is that enough? Can that be enough for me? Can I accept things the way they are… take what he is able to give me and know it will never be anything more than that? That is the true question and I haven’t discovered the answer yet.