Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Fuck Me… and not in the good way

on November 24, 2013

I’ve been fighting it… and I think I have to finally admit defeat.

I’m depressed.  In a serious way.  I have struggled with depression my entire life.  Usually… it is kept at a mild, functioning level but there are times when it peaks… and I run into serious trouble.  This is one of those times and I hate it.  I hate to admit it.  I hate that I have to go into my doctor and try to explain what is going on in my head.

I don’t tell friends and family because I can’t stand being worried about.  I can’t stand pity.  I isolate myself because I hate pretending that I’m okay and that everything is fine.  It takes too much energy.  I am fine, as long as I can sleep 14 hours a day, eat, watch TV and not be forced to interact with anyone.  I don’t get dressed unless I have to.  I feel like I just can’t be fucking bothered.

Fuck me – time to go visit my doctor and let her in on the ‘good’ news… while I’m still ‘well’ enough to even be able to do that.

I’m SO tempted not to post this… but the first step is admitting the problem, right?

depression drawing


13 responses to “Fuck Me… and not in the good way

  1. newdaddydomintraining says:

    admitting it is always the first step 🙂 try yoga and gymming .

  2. Dearest G.U.L.,
    I’m so glad You DID post. This gives you the opportunity to express yourself. I certainly understand. I too live with mild depression, and generalized anxiety it can be So Overwhelming. It comes out in hives, and other physical ailments. I go through the same behavior as you mentioned including not showering. Please don’t get me wrong, its not like I’m out anywhere. I too isolate. Unfortunately I don’t have any girlfriends to talk with, and there to lies a lot of my problem.
    I don’t have any connections other than cyberspace.
    Perhaps you might consider short term medication management. Sometimes we are in a state of chemical imbalance and as hard as you may try it’s chemically induced. Please don’t beat yourself up. Take care of yourself and know We are here to Support You!
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia 😊

    • Thanks for commenting Anastasia.
      While I’m sorry to hear you also suffer from depression and anxiety, it is a good reminder that there are SO many other people struggling with it as well.
      Isolating is a bad tendency for me but I’ve recognized that I use it as a defense mechanism when I’m having a hard time handling things. It definitely has a snowball effect though. The more I isolate, the more difficulty I have in handling things.
      I have a doctor’s appointment set up next week and I’m going to discuss things with her.
      I appreciate your support, thank you.
      Growing Up Little

      • Dearest G.U.L.,
        I’m happy to hear that you’re going to see your Physician.
        Hang In There Darlin and know that You are in my Thoughts and Supported.
        Sending You Big Hugs
        Your Friend,
        Anastasia 😊

  3. Thank you so much for posting this.
    The first step is always admitting you have a problem
    However, depression is not a problem. You cannot be defined by how you feel. You are not a depressed person. You have depression. Its like a cold; something you can get rid of if you want too. Remember, someone out there cares, someone out there wants to be around you. It may not feel like, but its the truth.
    Inspire yourself to change and grow. Be you and no one else. You know yourself better than anyone else and use your blog as an emotional outlet. I will always want to listen.

    • I totally understand that logically but the heart lately has felt differently.
      I have had – ‘if only I could get it together’ – type thoughts.
      Along with feeling guilty and ashamed because I’m depressed.
      It was good to be reminded that depression is an illness… not a character flaw.
      Thanks for taking the time to remind me of that.

  4. Sarah Meghan says:

    Just sitting on the front stoop in the sun for a minute would probably help. I understand how it is. Get something comfortable on and a pair of shades to hide under and tell yourself you’ll just sit there for a minute-then if you decide to take a walk you can.

  5. daddysbabyg1rl says:


    i also suffer from depression from time to time and i am a chronic worrier, i worry about everything, even things that have not yet happened or may never even happen. i have been suffering from burnout because of being an incurable workaholic and because work has been really tough the past couple of months. with burnout comes the lack of concentration, the sleepless nights, the always being tired and then comes the i don’t care if i don’t brush my hair and look nice etc…and that is kind of where i am at at the moment and it is hard for me not to be paranoid about whether or not i am having a visit from the depro demon.

    it’s hard, i know it is and Sarah is right, just getting a little sun and fresh air is a great place to start and you can move on from there. Sometimes when the depro demon is visiting and we try to take on too much too quickly, we fall flat on our faces and then end up beating ourselves up even more because now we are not only depro but we also failed to stick to a simple goal. Just take it easy, baby steps. Maybe also try some happy upbeat music, talking to someone, even if it’s only a teddy for now, and maybe hold on to some of your fave things to do, even if you don’t feel like doing anything oh and a routine, the first thing that goes out the door when the depro demon visits is my routine, maybe workout a basic routine and stick to it no matter what…oh and get dressed every day…staying in jammies is fun on occasion but when the depro demon is around not getting dressed just drags you down further 😦

    i hope you feel betters soon…

  6. Maria says:

    Hi Growing Up Little, I have been reading your blog for past hour (just found it today) and I have to say you did help me to understand certain things. Definitely an eye opening reading, especially as I have just very recently started discovering my sub side after years of being a Domme.
    Anyway now to your post. I know it is a nearly year old and I hope you’re not struggling with your emotional well being anymore, however if you are I would like you to consider something. The fact is, depression will not go away just because you want it go away. If you find yourself struggling with your feelings, you should go and talk to someone. There are people well trained to help you and others suffering from depressions and other mental issues. Sometimes few months of cognitive behaviour therapy can do miracles (didn’t want to you use an official CBT term as the double meaning when on BDSM oriented website haha). Anyway, stay strong and don’t be afraid to go and talk to someone if you will feel you’re not coping very well with your own thoughts. Trust me, that’s what therapists are there for, to help….and it does work…
    All the best!

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