I was approached by someone kind of new to the entire Daddy Dom and Little thing, asking me some questions that I think ALOT of people have. So… I want to share with you guys, some of what I wrote.
Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on the DD/lg dynamic and I certainly don’t claim to be. I don’t think anybody has the right to claim to be an expert on it (regardless of their years of experience in the lifestyle). I’m simply expressing my own experiences and thoughts.
It is difficult to find good information online about the DD/lg dynamic.
The important thing to remember is that the information that you do find… there is no right or wrong and there is certainly no rule book out there, so please don’t let anyone tell you there is.
It’s like any other relationship… whatever happens between two consenting adults, is what happens. What those two people deem is right for them… guess what? It IS! The word two is underlined for a really good reason – it isn’t about what is right for just the Dom, it’s about what is right for both of you and the two of you decide what that is.
Saying that… there certainly are common things that happen within the DD/lg dynamic but nobody should tell you… ‘you have to do this’… or ‘He has to do that’ or ‘this is the way it has to be’.
You’ll develop your own unique dynamic between the two of you. No two relationships are exactly the same (thank goodness)!
You might try things you like, you might try things you don’t like.
It’s a changing, adapting, self-adjusting thing.
How do you know if He knows what He is doing?
Some good things to think about:
- Is He experienced with the lifestyle and if so, what did his last relationship look like? How did it end? The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour.
- Does He try to tell you… it ‘has to be’ this way… or it ‘has to be’ that way? If so… big red flag.
- Daddy Doms tend to be very nurturing and they often Dominate in a gentler way than your “typical” Dominant.
- Does he set a good example in his own life? Is he in control of his own emotions? If a Dom can’t control his OWN emotions and his OWN life… what makes you think he should have any business in controlling YOU? A Daddy Dom should be a good example. He should be someone who lives his life in a way that you can look up to. How could you possibly trust him and place yourself, your safety and your well-being in his hands… if he can’t even control himself and his own life?
- Daddy Doms aren’t perfect and they shouldn’t pretend to be. If He claims to be the ‘master’ Daddy Dom – believe me, he isn’t.
- What is his motivation? My Daddy Dom helps me – be me. He encourages me and helps me constructively. Daddy does what is best for me. He always puts my best interests – first.
- Do you trust him? If you don’t – big red flag - rethink putting yourself in his hands.
- Can you talk openly and honestly with him? When you do talk with him, do you truly feel heard? Healthy communication in a DD/lg relationship is essential. I believe that having healthy communication in a BDSM relationship is even MORE important than in a ‘regular’ relationship.
- Respect is earned, not demanded. I respect, admire and worship my Daddy because I look up to him, I feel respected by him, I trust him and I adore him. I could never ‘worship’ someone, who tried to demand ‘worship’ from me.
What sorts of rights does a Little have?
Everything you do with your Daddy Dom… should absolutely be 100% consensual. If it isn’t… it’s abuse.
There are Daddy Dom’s out there… that abuse women, under the guise of being a Dominant. ‘Newbies’ are particularly vulnerable and guess what? These abusers and rapists know it and they specifically prey on them. It’s important to be aware of that. Many women have been seriously hurt… physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually by abusers and rapists that claim to be Doms.
Pay attention to your intuition. Go with your gut.
My Daddy Dom ‘reads me’. He pays close attention to everything I do. The way I’m reacting to him… the way I’m breathing, the way I’m moving… if I’m tensing up… if I’m relaxed… the look in my eyes… my body language… all of those things. He knows me. That’s a Daddy Dom’s job – to know his Little. If a Daddy Dom isn’t paying attention like that… big red flag.
You should have a safe word and even a safe signal because a Little can get so deeply into the subzone… that they become non-verbal… unable to even say the safe word. HE should be the one insisting you have a safe word. After all… your Daddy Dom is responsible for your well-being and safety during ‘play’… if he isn’t concerned about you having a way to show or tell him that you REALLY mean NO… again – big red flag.
I’ve been with my Daddy for about a year and a half… I have never even come close to feeling the need to use my safe word with him. Hopefully that will be your experience too.
Ultimately… whatever happens between the two of you… should be for your enjoyment (even if that enjoyment is pain!). The things you do with him and the way you interact with him… should be a positive experience. It should feel good. If it doesn’t… there’s a problem. Don’t ignore it. Listen to what your heart and gut is saying.
Something I would really recommend.. join FetLife. They have groups specifically for Littles, Daddy Doms and the DD/lg dynamic… (as well as a ton of other BDSM related ‘labels’). These groups post and discuss common issues… common problems… common concerns that come up. You can ‘meet’ others and talk with others online (if you want to), that share similar interests and you’ll learn a lot from them. Again… get a wide range of perspectives… no one person is ‘RIGHT’ or doing things the ‘RIGHT’ way. Reaching out to others in that way… I believe is important. Your Daddy Dom… shouldn’t be your only link and communication when it comes to things. He should be encouraging you to reach out to others. Again… if he doesn’t, big red flag. I would really encourage you to talk not only to those in a DD/lg relationship but talk to other ‘newbies’ too! I love talking about the dynamic and I find that some of the greatest stuff comes from talking with others about their experiences, perspectives and opinions.
Oh and just a note… FetLife is free. There is a section (pictures, videos etc) that if you want to have a ton of access to… you do need to pay for but the site is awesome even if you decide you don’t want to pay a cent. You can join all the groups you want… set up a profile… post stuff… message people… all that is free.
A lot of what BDSM is about… is in your head. I truly believe that the vast majority of those into BDSM are what I refer to as ‘real thinkers’. It’s a lot about what’s going on in your mind… way more than what is simply happening with your body.
Welcome to the journey!