Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Frustrated and Feeling Lost


What is that famous saying… looking for love in all the wrong places…

Why do I go on sex cam sites and expect men there to not be entirely focused on sex?  Why would I expect the occasional man to actually want conversation, rather than just a Skype play session?

Feeling Lost…

On a different topic… my heart is still hurting and I’m feeling confused.  Really confused.  I use to be relatively confident in my sexuality… now that I don’t have my DD to help quell my doubts when they do happen… my own mind turns against me and these thoughts are allowed to run wild.  I start doubting myself and even though, deep down… I know better… part of me starts wondering if the last three years have been nothing but a phase.  Maybe that’s fear talking.  Not sure anymore.

I feel lost.  Rudderless.

I’m a boat, out in the middle of the sea, on a stormy night…

Darkest before the dawn?

We will see.


Still bleeding…

Coming up with the title for this entry… I initially wanted to title it:  Starting to Heal but realized that’s not quite true.  I don’t think I have started to heal from what happened with him (I can no longer refer to him as a Daddy Dom cause he certainly isn’t).

It has been just over two months and I don’t feel like I have truly faced everything that happened, the betrayal, the lies, the dishonesty, the misrepresentation… I could go on.  I’m not sure how to handle it, how to start healing from it.

I think I’ve tried to put a Band-Aid on it by getting involved with someone else.  That seemed to work at first, until things became closer and I panicked.  I got involved with Dave and he wanted a commitment too fast.  I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship with someone right now… but it’s nice feeling wanted and to not be lonely, if only for a little while.  I’m confused.  I feel overwhelmed.  I’ve explained to Dave how I’m feeling and he gets it.  I’ve asked for things to slow way down with us and he seems to have done that.  He knows I need my space and time.  Not that we have cut off all contact or anything.  He still texts me once a day and we are planning on getting together tomorrow, just for dinner.  If he can be patient with me… it might eventually work out but if he can’t, I’m afraid that will mean the end.

How does one start to heal after being betrayed so badly?