I am a 40-year-old woman, divorced, with one teenage daughter.
In the spring of 2012, I watched a documentary by Lisa Ling about four different women who made their livings working as ‘cam models’. I had heard a little bit about cam models before but the documentary sparked a curiosity in me. I googled “free sex cams” and that is where I would consider my exploration into the world of BDSM truly began.
The very first result google gave to me, was for a website I won’t name. I clicked on the link… searched around for a bit and created a free account. I think it was seeing people on that site, who were open and exploring their sexuality, that made me feel more comfortable starting to explore my own again. I had shut off that part of my life for a long time.
After my divorce, I dated for a few years but eventually ended up very disappointed and disheartened. After one particularly bad day, a series of events happened that caused me to give up on men in general. I determined that I needed to simplify my life and that meant not being romantically involved with men. It was too stressful, too painful and in the end… just not worth it to me. I stopped dating altogether. I concentrated on raising my daughter.
In the beginning, my time on the cam website was spent simply watching. Slowly I started interacting… “meeting” people, “friending” them… Those interactions eventually led to some online sexual experiences. It started off gradually. First it was mostly watching, then sometimes it was still just watching but privately, one on one. Then I started to regularly interact with a guy, who was pretty shy and for his age was quite inexperienced. I came to trust him and become very comfortable with him. One night, we were privately camming and I was finally able to reveal myself to him. It felt good to finally release the fear I held for so long. It was that moment, when I overcame my fear, that things really started to change for me.
I had gained some confidence. I now had a little bit of practice feeling fear and doing it anyway. I continued interacting with different people on the cam website. I started talking to various men. One in particular wanted nothing more than to be my slave. He was looking for a Domme. The thought of being in control, telling a man exactly what to do and when to do it – appealed a lot to me. Of course, I was still holding a lot of anger and resentment towards men and I thought I could channel some of that into this type of sexual encounter. I tried it. Things about it – definitely appealed to me.
The demand for female Doms (aka – Domme’s or Dominatrix’s) is incredible. I started to experiment a bit, getting to learn what I liked, what I didn’t, what I was willing and unwilling to do. How I wanted to be. I had chatted with several subs but soon I realized I wanted to pick one or two to play with so I could focus on them. Eventually – I offered my favorite sub a contract. In it, I laid out my expectations of him and gave him a 2 month opportunity. He accepted the contract immediately. The contract stated specifically that he was not to expect exclusivity from me… I was still free to play with whomever I wanted.
The next pivotal moment was when I met and played with my first male Dom online. I had been chatting with him for a while and knowing he identified himself as a Dom, I admitted to him I had always had a desire for rough sex… very rough sex. The thought of having my partner roleplay rape me, had long been a fantasy of mine. One I didn’t even like to admit to myself that I had. There is a lot of guilt and confusion surrounding this issue. I am aware that a lot of women have this same fantasy. But because of the seriousness of real rape – most women also feel very conflicted about having that fantasy. I was one of them.
Over Skype, this Dom and I, talked through a scenario… I was walking home alone, late at night, he came up behind me, forced me to have “sex” with him… of course by the end of the scenario I was no longer being “forced”, he had “made me” enjoy it. It was then, that I recognized my true desire to be a submissive. This experience had awakened what I had long ago buried and managed to suppress for so long. The seed had always been within me but this encounter had initiated its growth. My desire for submission had begun.
(future writing on this topic to come…)