Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Insecure

A lot has been happening. Daddy is taking steps to leave his wife. He is preparing himself. I know he is going through a lot emotionally and that after so many years of being married – it is going to be difficult.

Just in the last week or so… I have been feeling insecure. Things just seem ‘off’ and I can’t pinpoint where those feelings are coming from.

Part of me, feels guilty. Strangely, for the first time since I knowingly became involved with a married man. I think it’s because before things had been running as normal between the two of them, what she didn’t know, wasn’t hurting her. Now… he is acting differently at home. I think he is starting to emotionally distance himself from her. They have been fighting. It’s the first time when I’ve really felt badly for the role I’ve played in disturbing their marriage and swirling up the dirt and debris that had numbed and been covering up their issues and problems. Saying that – I know that I am not responsible. He is. The state of their marriage – has nothing to do with me.

I know I’m not explaining how things are right now very well and all the background about what’s been going on… so I ask for patience.

I’m feeling confused and insecure. Unsure of myself and unsure of my relationship and I can’t really put a reason on it. Which must sound awfully weird to people reading this but it’s true.
Part of me – wants to talk to Daddy about it. Let him know where I’m at. I know that’s what I should do. It’s always best to communicate openly and honestly.

I’m feeling lost.

feeling lost 2

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Some Serious Discussions

So… since I had my self-realization last week, triggered by pancake day (of all things)… (read the post Pancakes and Adultery HERE)  I have done a lot of serious thinking and self-exploration.  What I’ve realized in the last few days is that if I could have things happen exactly the way I’d want them to, it would look something like this:

Daddy would realize that as much as he cares and even loves his wife, that his marriage is one more of companionship to each other.  That he is unable to be his real self with her – sexually and otherwise and he would realize that true intimacy requires that you be able to be your real self.  Not only that but accepted, loved and adored for being your real self.  He would decide to leave or separate from her.  That he would still live in the same general area that he does now and that we’d start having more of a “real”, committed relationship.  I’m not talking about us moving in together or anything like that, I mean I would hope that we would eventually want to, after we adjusted to having more of a ‘real’ relationship.  I realize that things between us, wouldn’t always be perfect and that we would start discovering things about one another, that we didn’t know.  We would just be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with one another.  One where we could talk to one another on the phone – whenever we felt like it.  One where I could spend time with him at his house… sleep in his bed… wakeup beside him in the morning and yes – even make heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips together.  He could read me bedtime stories and he’d be there to hold me when we slept.  We would grow and blossom together.

I expressed these thoughts to Daddy and asked him – is that totally unrealistic?

He said no… it wasn’t unrealistic.  He told me he had a lot of thinking to do and I totally respect that.  I realize that it’s not going to be as simple as a yes or no answer and that he wouldn’t be able to just decide something like that overnight. It’s a lot to think about… and there is a lot to consider.

Will write more on this in the near future.

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Pancakes and Adultery…

I was driving home from work yesterday afternoon and I was thinking about the fact that it was pancake Tuesday.  I thought about how it would be so nice if Daddy and I could have made pancakes together.  I started picturing it in my head…  I could have added raspberries and chocolate chips to mine and Daddy could have added something Daddy-like to his.  We could have poured them into heart shaped cookie cutters or moulds and just had a really simple but really sweet time together.  And imagining that and thinking those thoughts made me really happy…  I was literally smiling, driving along, thinking about it.

But then… it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started wondering if maybe he WAS having pancakes, just not with me.  And I started thinking about all those little, domestic type of things that we don’t share together and likely never will.  I started thinking about the fact that not only do we not share them together but he shares all those types of things with someone else – his wife.  And as those thoughts started tumbling in, it made me feel not only jealous but sad and even a little mad.

It might sound strange but the fact that he has a wife – is not something I normally think about very much.  I know the situation and have always known the situation from the very beginning but I just don’t normally think or dwell on the fact that he goes home every night and has dinner with his wife.  He watches TV with her.  He likely walks the dogs with her.  He does all those sorts of things, those everyday type of things, with her.  I know that they don’t sleep together – in both the physical sense (they have separate bedrooms) and the sexual sense and that they haven’t in many, many years.  But I wonder… does he kiss her hello?  Does he kiss her goodbye?  Does his kiss her goodnight?  Likely.

I try to tell myself – it doesn’t really matter.  I wouldn’t want to be with him (or anyone) 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I tell myself that I like my alone time.  I like my freedom.  I like not being obligated to anyone else.  I tell myself that I get all the best parts of him and his wife gets all the mundane and not so fun parts… all the hassles of everyday life with someone.  She gets to pick up his laundry off the floor, clean his dirty dishes, get annoyed with toilet seats that are left up, deal with him when he is sick, all those sorts of ‘not so fun’ things.  I tell myself – that when we DO get together – I have his full attention – 100 percent.  Our time is limited but it’s super concentrated, quality time.  I try to soothe myself with those types of thoughts and tell myself that it doesn’t really matter that he is married to someone else.  But I think I’m starting to face the fact… that it does actually matter.  It matters because he chooses to share the vast majority of his life, his being, with somebody else.  That’s why it matters.

Last night he said that he ‘shares as much with me as he can at this time’.  But in reality… he shares as much as he WANTS to share and CHOOSES to share.  He chooses things to be like this.  He chooses not to be with ME.  He chooses to make me second best and second priority and I let him and tell myself it doesn’t really matter.

It’s confusing because we don’t treat our relationship like it’s ‘just for fun’… we treat our relationship as much more than that.  I don’t think either of us really expected things to have developed between us the way that they did and now that they have – where does it leave us?  It’s been almost two years ago since we started to talk to one another and it’s been about a year and half that we have been ‘dating’ and intimately involved.

As much as I don’t want to think about it and as much as I would like to convince myself once again, that it doesn’t really matter and that I should just enjoy what we DO share with one another and not worry about what we don’t… I’m not sure if I can go back into thinking that way.  It hurts and it’s there – just under the surface and the more I think about it – the more I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.

I deserve someone that is mine.  I deserve someone who is willing and able to share himself with me and only me.  Don’t I?  Or am I throwing all the good things that we share between us out… just because I can’t have it ALL.  I can’t have EVERYTHING.  Am I throwing out the baby with the bathwater?  Should I just appreciate the fun times we do have?  Because the time we do get to spend with one another – is magical and loving and joyful.  It truly is.

What do you guys think… I would love to hear readers opinions on this, especially if you have experienced something similar – no matter what side of the fence you are/were on (the wife, the mistress, the husband, the cheater, the one being cheated on)… I’m looking for no bullshit, honest, open, yet respectful opinions on the situation… those will be gratefully appreciated…

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Journaling to Daddy

I came up with an idea and after speaking with Daddy about it – we are going to give it a try.  I realize that it is quite common for subs to keep journals for their Doms.  I thought that if I was to write in a journal when I felt that urge to express something to Daddy or share something with him, that it might take a bit of the distance and loneliness away and give me the opportunity to express some of the things that I want to share with him, things I am mulling over in my mind, or just those everyday type things that I don’t get the chance to share with him because of our situation.

My plan is to keep TWO journals.  That way when we do get together… we can ‘switch’… and he can read what I have written to him in the “in between times” and I will have the other journal to write in during that same ‘in between time’, so I will always have a journal to write in and he will always have a journal to read and we can switch them back and forth when we see each other.

It’s an experiment… so we’ll see if we find any benefit come out of it.

Does anybody else do anything similar with their Dom, sub, boyfriend, girlfriend…?  If so, I would love to hear how it works between you… why you started doing it and what you think you both get out of it.

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Still Feeling Sad

I’m still feeling pretty sad and a lot confused about things.

I received quite a few supportive comments on my last post…  Happy – hurt – confused.  I really appreciate the support I felt coming from my readers.  It means a lot to me.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head with the relationship I have with Daddy.  I’m confused and I’m still feeling a lot of hurt.

What is it that I feel hurt about?  I knew, from the very beginning that Daddy was married.  What I didn’t know from the beginning was how the two of us would end up feeling about one another.  I know Daddy loves me and cares for me.  I also know that he is comfortable with his ‘real life’.  Why would he give up all the stability, all that he has worked so hard for over his adult life, the mutual friends that him and his wife have together…  why would he throw all that away?  Especially when he has both of us, the way things are now.

I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful it is.  Even though I don’t expect his to leave his wife… I don’t WANT him to leave his wife for me… it still hurts.  The situation I have finally woken up and realized that I am in – hurts.  I’m mad at myself.  I walked into this mess… of my own free will.  Did I realize where things would end up? No… but am I here regardless?  Yep.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don’t know where to go from here.

Am I able to distance myself a bit… knowing and truly accepting that what we have… will always be eight hours of quality, fun, intense time together… every two weeks?  Can I allow myself to be satisfied with that?  Should I actually try to look at that as being a positive thing?  There ARE a lot of positive things about having a relationship like we do.  I get to see the best in him, every time I see him.  I get one on one – fully focused attention when I am with him.  I know a lot of couples that have nowhere near eight hours of focused time together over a two-week period.  I get to be his icing… I get to be the desired one… I get the thoughtful, romantic gestures…

I guess the real question is… is that enough?  Can that be enough for me?  Can I accept things the way they are… take what he is able to give me and know it will never be anything more than that?  That is the true question and I haven’t discovered the answer yet.

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Happy – hurt – confused?

I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.

I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?

I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.

I will never truly be a part of his life.  I will always be his secret.  I won’t ever meet his friends.  I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously.  He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.

Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life?  Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’.  Boundaries.  Protection.  But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role?  Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?

A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are?  If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway?  Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.

When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does.  He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation.  Am I trying to justify?  Rationalize?  Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t?  If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely?  Am I ignoring my inner voice?  Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have.  Am I self sabotaging?

Being in my head – isn’t always a party.

 

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What it boils down to…

I’m not worth it.

He’d rather stay comfortable, than be what I need him to be for me.

I will only ever be an ‘extra’ to him.

I will always come at least second… sometimes not even that.

I’m important to him but not that important.

I don’t think I deserve any better.

Why would he change things, if he gets to have all of it the way things are?

It’s me that is the one sacrificing… yet again.

I never learn.

 

 

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Waiting For Daddy…

I was ‘talking’ with Daddy online last night… and something he said triggered some sadness in me.  He referred to our relationship as being an ‘affair’.  I know technically that IS what it is but… I don’t really think of it that way.  At least, it’s not in the forefront of my mind as such.  I just don’t really think of it like that.  When I do, it makes me sad.

I get confused sometimes about things.  Daddy is mine but at the same time he isn’t.  Do I justify things?  Rationalize things?

After we talked, I thought more about stuff and started to feel really sad and hurt.

So… I wrote an email to him, telling him how I felt confused and I asked him a bunch of questions.

I want to know… why he stays.  I want to know… the dynamic between them.  I want to know… do they have meaningful, deep conversations?  What’s it like at their house?

I’m waiting for him to jump on the computer so we can chat about things.  Part of me wants to avoid this conversation at all costs.  Part of me wants to head to bed… take some Ativan and ‘sleep it off’…  The problem is… Daddy and I are suppose to get together this Saturday.  So… I want to try to figure things out, so that we can either have a nice time together on Saturday or cancel our plans till I feel better about things.

My heart hurts.

 

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Daddy Dom and I ‘talk’

Daddy and I spent the day together yesterday and it was wonderful and blissful and orgasmic…

During our time together, he mentioned that perhaps our next day together might be this Wednesday or Saturday… which is sooner than I would normally see him.  Lately, almost like clock work, we end up seeing one another every two weeks.

So.. we messaged back and forth tonight and he starts writing about our next day together… I’m immediately thinking he is going to say this Wednesday or Saturday… he doesn’t… he says a date two weeks down the road…  I am immediately disappointed and hurt.  Maybe I shouldn’t be… and maybe I over-react but… I decided that I was going to bring it up and discuss it with him.

So… I won’t bore you with the details… but by the end he agreed not to bring up any ‘dates’ that he wasn’t certain about and acknowledged the ‘two week’ routine, as being part of him being able to ‘cover his tracks’, so to speak.  He also said that there would be times we would see one another MORE often than that and that he planned to spend lots of time together doing stuff this summer.

By the end of it… I was pacified… still hurting a bit but… pacified.

I struggle with it sometimes.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work things out, in my own head and with him, so that we can make things work for us.  I’m learning as I go.  And irregardless of what the end game ends up being – there is at least that.

 

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Crossing that line…

Safest Road To Hell…

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I recently read an article in Reader’s Digest about how our instincts can fail us.  The article described five different ways that our natural instincts can be harmful, even lethal.  They were described as:

  1. The Domino Effect
  2. Double or Nothing
  3. Situational Blindness
  4. Bending the Map
  5. Redlining

The one that provoked the most thought for me was redlining.  Two examples to illustrate what redlining is:

  1. A scuba diver sees an interesting wreck just beyond the limit of their dive tables.
  2. A mountain climber goes beyond their turnaround time, wanting to reach the summit.

When a situation requires a safety parameter, people will be tempted to overstep it.  It is very easy for a person to think, I’ll just go over the red line a little bit.  No big deal.  Of course, very often, a little bit becomes a little bit more and then just a little bit more and eventually you realize you have gone too far but by that time, it may already be too late.  You have ‘little bitted’ your way into that danger zone, the point of no return.

That’s the danger of crossing the red line.  Once you have crossed it, there may be no other cues to remind you that you are headed in the wrong direction.  There isn’t anything calling you back to the safe side.

This got me thinking.  How often have I ‘redlined’ myself into trouble or unhealthy situations?  How often have I sworn to myself… “just a little bit” and then later on, some time down the road, I turn back around, quite startled and ask myself;  “Whoa… wait a second, how the hell did I ever end up here?”

I’m not necessarily talking about crossing physical red lines or physical safety parameters (although that has also happened) but crossing my own bottom lines, allowing my boundaries to be crossed, allowing myself to cross my moral and ethical red lines.  It is the “just a little bit” thinking that leads me into real trouble.  I should take a step back from those red lines and realize that.  I need to be aware when I am tempted to redline and recognize the true danger I put myself in, if I do ultimately decide to cross it.  Lessons learned.

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Above photo credited to:  filchist on flickr.

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