Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Pictures

‘Family’ Pictures….

 

Trax on the run...

Trax on the run…

 

Fisher... being cool...

Fisher… being cool…

 

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

 

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

 

Seeing Daddy on Friday.  We plan to spend the day together.  He said we’ll go to Build A Bear!  I am hoping to get Trax a new outfit and maybe his very own passport!  Daddy mentioned wearing my pigtails and to bring my hair thingies with me, so he could help pick out which ones to wear (he usually does this… I really like it).  I’m a little apprehensive about being in public with pigtails, (usually I only wear them when I’m with Daddy inside) especially if I am also carrying Trax around with me too.  A part of me thinks to myself – why the hell should I care what anybody else thinks or might think?  I need to learn to be comfortable with my own stuff, I need to be comfortable with me.  I’m learning, pushing and growing.  It’s a process and Daddy helps along the way.

 

 

 

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Giving Him More Control?

I chatted with Daddy on Messenger tonight.  God… just talking to him… I can fall into ‘Little’ mode so easily.  It makes me crave being cuddled beside him, feeling small and tiny, protected and loved.  Him reading a story to me… me helping turn the pages… sinking deeper and deeper… getting lost and feeling that ‘floaty’ type sensation when I am deep in Little mode.  It is so relaxing for me.  So natural feeling.  So good.

little girl hiding

 

Only two more sleeps and I will be with him.

Tonight… he mentioned that when we get together on Friday, we will be having a little chat.  I of course, asked him what it was about…. and I am surprised he actually told me!  My sleep.

My sleep has been quite erratic lately.  There are nights I have a lot of trouble sleeping at all.  I toss and turn and end up getting very little quality sleep.  Other nights… I have no trouble at all.  When migraines strike, my sleep patterns get totally messed up.  I take my medication and it will often knock me out for six hours… no matter what time of day it might be.  So, it can be difficult to have a regular sleeping schedule due to that.

SO… Daddy wants to talk to me about it.  He wants to help me with it.  Part of me… wants to give that control over to him.  I want him to control my life more.  I want him to tell me what to do – including when I should be going to bed.  Another part of me… feels some resistance to it.  It should be an interesting chat regardless.

little cartoon

One of the first things he started ‘making me’ do – is take vitamins.  When we chat, he usually asks if I remembered to take them that day… and if I haven’t… he ‘makes me’ go and get them and take them right away while I am chatting with him.  He told me that we will also be having a chat about me missing my vitamins on those days that I did forget.  The thing is…  I don’t really make a point to remember to take my vitamins because I LIKE having him TELL me to take them.  I want him to have to remind me.  I want him to have to tell me to do it.  I’m not sure if he is on to me or not.  Guess I will find that out on Friday too!

I know the ‘control’ that he has over me, is always for my own good.  I know that he does it because he cares for me and loves me.  If I thought his intentions were any different – I wouldn’t give him that control.  Part of me craves that ‘stronger voice’… craves being ‘led’…. craves being controlled.  Does that make me weak?

I want Daddy to tell me what to do.

 

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Look What I Made!

ChibiMaker (2)

She represents my inner ‘Little’.

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Merry? Christmas…

Merry? Christmas

This Christmas has been… um… Christmas.

I’m not going to bitch about the Christmas that I had.  I know there are a lot of people who have NO family, NO loved ones at all.  At least I have them.

Hurt has a way of coming to the surface.  Resurfacing.  Allowing my Little side to emerge… has that brought a new emotional sensitivity?  I am starting to feel again.  I have never been good with that.  Repress, repress, repress.

I wanted to cry yesterday.  I wanted to cry today.  Instead… I had a bad dream and cried while half-asleep last night.  Things to resolve?  Um… yeah.

Fresh pain… old wounds re-opened.  Is Christmas over yet?

 

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How Little I Feel…

 

This is how little I feel, holding my Daddy’s hand….

Feeling Little…. Being Little.

 

 

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First Colouring Post!

 

I admit it.  I went out and bought a bunch of Crayola stuff.  Including:  50 markers, 90 crayons and 24 Twistable Coloured Pencils, along with a Funny Faces Animals Colouring and Sticker Book and a Funny Faces Space Creatures Colouring and Sticker Book.

I decided to colour (using my markers) 2 pictures out of the Crayola Funny Faces Animals Colouring Book.

Here they are:

Chicken – the eyes and nose are stickers!

Do you like it?

Here is the other one:

Bumble Bee – the eyes are stickers!

Personally – I like the chicken one best!

 

 

 

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It Isn’t Ageplay

The writing below: “It Isn’t Ageplay” is taken from the blog Masochistically Defiant.  She refers to her Daddy as “Monster” (which I think is absolutely adorable).  Look for my comments afterwards – I am so excited about my take from this!

It Isn’t Ageplay

I know there’s lots and lots of people out there who associate being a  “little” with ageplay. For my Monster and I, ageplay doesn’t even come close to  describing our relationship. Just for a second I am going to describe what the  term ageplay (age play, age-play) means to me. And please remember this is my  opinion, yours may be different. My idea of what ageplay is: A person or couple that pretends to be a different age. They have a set  time for when they are going to be this certain age and maybe even dress up for  an ageplay session. When it’s all over they drop the act and go back to  normal.Like I said, this is only my opinion on the term. For my relationship with  Monster…that doesn’t describe how we work. I hate labels, but the closest one  for me would be a non-age specific regressive little mixed with a child at  heart. But how is this different than ageplay? First, I have no idea what “age” my little side is. I always just go with mid  to late teens. Stuck at 16-ish most of the time. There’s no pretending that I am  a definite 16, it’s just how I am. Second, we never know when it’s coming. Well…the grocery store brings out  my younger side. But in a normal day, Monster can’t say, be 9. It doesn’t work  like that for me. If I am not feeling 9 I can’t act 9. Third, Monster doesn’t alter into this Daddy persona. It’s who he is. His  personality. I’ve been told by ‘nilla people, “he’s such a Daddy.” It’s not this  role he slips into whenever he wants. Same for me. I am a kid at heart. I never  grew out of cartoons, coloring books, and ribbons and bows. I still giggle like  mad when people say the names for naughty bits. It’s my personality. Him being Daddy and me being little girl is us. 24/7. No set times for when  or how or where. My little side is always there. Just under the surface. Waiting  and watching for the thing that pulls it out. A sparkle, a shine, a sound,  anything that entices that side of me to come out. If some people label that as  ageplay, so be it. I just…don’t. I like to think of us as two people with  complementing personalities.

 

I was so excited to have read this last night.  I almost wanted to cry at the end of it because I have been struggling to understand and accept my little side.  I was confused about where the line was between being little and ageplay.  It felt blurry to me and I was confused and unsettled because of that.  I still can’t say I have accepted my little side in full but reading this and absorbing it was a huge step forward for me.

I think my Daddy has been trying to tell me almost the same thing but for some reason, hearing it from another little, in her own words, was what I needed.  I think Daddy already had a good grasp on the fact that my little side is a part of me… it’s not separate, it’s not a role I play… it is part of who I am.  Daddy knew that.  Daddy tried to tell me but for some reason… I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t understand it, not at the time.

When I read:  My little side is always there.  Just under the surface.  Waiting and watching for the thing that pulls it out.
That clicked with me, it made so much sense.  My little side really is part of my personality (just like my Daddy said it was).  She is just under the surface but I have been hiding her and repressing her for so long, maybe always.  So why is she coming out now?  I think it is because I am finally with a man who understands me, who I trust, who accepts me for me.  I haven’t had that before.  Ever.  I think another reason is because I have been actively exploring my sexuality and accepting that it is a bit “out of the norm”.  Through this exploration, I am becoming more self-aware.  So… my little side finally feels safe enough to peek out and take a look around.  She is still pretty shy but she is learning to trust coming out to play.

Another huge step forward for me is that I’m realizing that my little side is not bad, she’s not a weird character flaw that I need to overcome…  she just never grew up all the way… and that’s okay… she doesn’t have to… she doesn’t need to… she can come out and play with Daddy when and where it’s safe.

This new acceptance and understanding of my little side, has given me such a sense of freedom to be who I am and be okay with who I am.  It’s truly wonderful.

So – thanks again to Masochistically Defiant.  I encourage everyone to give her blog a peek… cause you just never know, when someone else’s writing is going to be exactly what you need to read, at exactly the right time for you.

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Letter to Daddy – never sent

Daddy –

I am bad.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I don’t know why I am with… why I am with anybody.

Sometimes – I want you so desperately and other times I just want to not be here at all…

I know there is something underneath… waiting to escape…. and I fear it.

I hate it. I loathe it. I am fucking angry at it and I don’t even know what it is.

I’m weak.  I’m damaged and I am bad.

…and I need you. Right now.

I can’t have you. When I really need you – I can’t have you and that makes me really sad.

LJ

 

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Meet LJ

(not my original photo)

This photo represents my inner ‘little’ who I’ve named LJ. 

She is not one to mess with! 

Future posts to come about her.

 

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