Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

He Has No Fucking Idea

He has no fucking idea how messed up he’s left me.

He’s caused me.

This hurt.. is it growth… again?

Part of me misses him… wants him back… even after everything that’s been done.

The bigger part of me… looks at his lies and his deceptions…his make believe worlds and I feel like Alice in Wonderland…

It makes my heart hurt.

LJ heartbroken.

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Frustrated and Feeling Lost

Frustrated….

What is that famous saying… looking for love in all the wrong places…

Why do I go on sex cam sites and expect men there to not be entirely focused on sex?  Why would I expect the occasional man to actually want conversation, rather than just a Skype play session?

Feeling Lost…

On a different topic… my heart is still hurting and I’m feeling confused.  Really confused.  I use to be relatively confident in my sexuality… now that I don’t have my DD to help quell my doubts when they do happen… my own mind turns against me and these thoughts are allowed to run wild.  I start doubting myself and even though, deep down… I know better… part of me starts wondering if the last three years have been nothing but a phase.  Maybe that’s fear talking.  Not sure anymore.

I feel lost.  Rudderless.

I’m a boat, out in the middle of the sea, on a stormy night…

Darkest before the dawn?

We will see.

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Still bleeding…

Coming up with the title for this entry… I initially wanted to title it:  Starting to Heal but realized that’s not quite true.  I don’t think I have started to heal from what happened with him (I can no longer refer to him as a Daddy Dom cause he certainly isn’t).

It has been just over two months and I don’t feel like I have truly faced everything that happened, the betrayal, the lies, the dishonesty, the misrepresentation… I could go on.  I’m not sure how to handle it, how to start healing from it.

I think I’ve tried to put a Band-Aid on it by getting involved with someone else.  That seemed to work at first, until things became closer and I panicked.  I got involved with Dave and he wanted a commitment too fast.  I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship with someone right now… but it’s nice feeling wanted and to not be lonely, if only for a little while.  I’m confused.  I feel overwhelmed.  I’ve explained to Dave how I’m feeling and he gets it.  I’ve asked for things to slow way down with us and he seems to have done that.  He knows I need my space and time.  Not that we have cut off all contact or anything.  He still texts me once a day and we are planning on getting together tomorrow, just for dinner.  If he can be patient with me… it might eventually work out but if he can’t, I’m afraid that will mean the end.

How does one start to heal after being betrayed so badly?

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Guess Who’s Back?

So… an update for those that care to read it.

My Daddy ended up moving in with me on Christmas Eve but I had lost him again by New Years Eve.  He went back to his wife, after having abandoned her for me over the Christmas holiday.  That is fucked up.  I discovered how he was lying to me about so many fucking things.  Even his job.  What he did for a living.  He made it all up and I bought it.  Hook, line and sinker.  He mind fucked me.  I hope if her ever reads this – he will know that’s what I think of him now.  All the undeserved respect I ever gave you – it was all fucking lies.  Disgusting, old, bored, married man.  Fuck you.

You stay in that house… with that wife, who can’t stand fucking you.  Be happy lying with her.  And I mean in both ways.  You deserve to be right where you are.

Later.

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Daddy Dom – What it means to me

I recently wrote this letter to someone and wanted to share it here.

Just wanted to write you a letter… remember when I said that sometimes I feel like I can express myself better in writing than verbally?  I think you’ll discover just how true that is.
I had a really nice evening with you last night.
I’m hoping this may be the start of a very open, honest and transparent type of relationship.
I think communication and trust are two of the most important things with BDSM and those things are certainly important to me.
I think sexually (among other things), we could be quite compatible.

Saying that, I think I should clarify what my idea of a Daddy Dom would be.
For me, it’s not about being a literal Daddy, (although I realize for many littles that is true for them).
It’s not about an ‘actual’ Daddy crossing boundaries with his little girl.
For me… a Daddy Dom is more like a mentor but at the same time, much more than that.
Daddy would be someone I would admire, respect, adore and in some senses even worship.
Of course, that comes with Daddy proving to LJ, that he deserves all of those things.
Daddy would be someone who teaches me things, not just sexual things but things LJ wants to know more about… things Daddy might know… that she doesn’t.

By the way, I realize I speak of LJ as if she is a third person.  Just wanted to clarify that I don’t actually believe that she is a third person… it’s just easier for me to speak and share things about her, when I can put a little distance between my adult self and my little self.

Daddy would protect me… he would put my needs above his own.
He would watch and listen and understand me, more at times than I even understand myself.
I want a Daddy I can count on, that I can trust with everything.
I want a Daddy that I would never have to use the safe word with because he’s watching everything and knows and gauges just how much is too much and just how much is enough.
Eventually, I want to feel like Daddy owns me but at the same time, knowing he would never take advantage of that ownership, never use that ownership for his own selfish needs if it meant in anyway harming me.  That would be the last thing that Daddy would ever want to do.

It might take me awhile to be able to regress into feeling like LJ again.  She has already come out a little bit… even last night… she was there for fleeting moments.
I have in the past, been able to deeply regress into being LJ.  Times when my adult self is gone… and I’m just little.

Anyway, I realize I’m getting a bit deeper into this conversation than I originally meant to but I guess it’s all good information for you to have.
I hope that your perception of being a Daddy Dom, can match with mine.
Just needed to put that out there.  Please write me back and let me know how you feel about it.

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So sad… so mad… so depressed

The ‘man’ I had a relationship with… whom I called my Daddy… was not the person I thought he was.  We were together for two and a half years.

He lied to me about so many different things.  This was a man I trusted.  This was a man who escorted me into the world of BDSM.  And now my trust has been shattered.

He is a pathological liar.  I don’t say that lightly.  He lied about everything.

It is truly fucked up.  And I feel lost.  And sad.  And mad.  And I hate that he did this to me.

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Someday Unicorn

We all have dreams….

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Some Serious Discussions

So… since I had my self-realization last week, triggered by pancake day (of all things)… (read the post Pancakes and Adultery HERE)  I have done a lot of serious thinking and self-exploration.  What I’ve realized in the last few days is that if I could have things happen exactly the way I’d want them to, it would look something like this:

Daddy would realize that as much as he cares and even loves his wife, that his marriage is one more of companionship to each other.  That he is unable to be his real self with her – sexually and otherwise and he would realize that true intimacy requires that you be able to be your real self.  Not only that but accepted, loved and adored for being your real self.  He would decide to leave or separate from her.  That he would still live in the same general area that he does now and that we’d start having more of a “real”, committed relationship.  I’m not talking about us moving in together or anything like that, I mean I would hope that we would eventually want to, after we adjusted to having more of a ‘real’ relationship.  I realize that things between us, wouldn’t always be perfect and that we would start discovering things about one another, that we didn’t know.  We would just be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with one another.  One where we could talk to one another on the phone – whenever we felt like it.  One where I could spend time with him at his house… sleep in his bed… wakeup beside him in the morning and yes – even make heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips together.  He could read me bedtime stories and he’d be there to hold me when we slept.  We would grow and blossom together.

I expressed these thoughts to Daddy and asked him – is that totally unrealistic?

He said no… it wasn’t unrealistic.  He told me he had a lot of thinking to do and I totally respect that.  I realize that it’s not going to be as simple as a yes or no answer and that he wouldn’t be able to just decide something like that overnight. It’s a lot to think about… and there is a lot to consider.

Will write more on this in the near future.

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Admittance and exploration of my little side.

I identify with SO many of the feelings, hopes and worries that she writes about, when I was first exploring my Little side, about a year ago.
Wishing her the best of luck with her discovering her own unique way of submission. It is an awesome journey.

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Can’t resist this quote

This is beautifully put….

Errant Satiety

This is how you lose her…

“You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her:

the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery,

the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five,

the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another,

the scent of new books in the store,

the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is…

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