Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Still Feeling Sad

I’m still feeling pretty sad and a lot confused about things.

I received quite a few supportive comments on my last post…  Happy – hurt – confused.  I really appreciate the support I felt coming from my readers.  It means a lot to me.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head with the relationship I have with Daddy.  I’m confused and I’m still feeling a lot of hurt.

What is it that I feel hurt about?  I knew, from the very beginning that Daddy was married.  What I didn’t know from the beginning was how the two of us would end up feeling about one another.  I know Daddy loves me and cares for me.  I also know that he is comfortable with his ‘real life’.  Why would he give up all the stability, all that he has worked so hard for over his adult life, the mutual friends that him and his wife have together…  why would he throw all that away?  Especially when he has both of us, the way things are now.

I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful it is.  Even though I don’t expect his to leave his wife… I don’t WANT him to leave his wife for me… it still hurts.  The situation I have finally woken up and realized that I am in – hurts.  I’m mad at myself.  I walked into this mess… of my own free will.  Did I realize where things would end up? No… but am I here regardless?  Yep.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don’t know where to go from here.

Am I able to distance myself a bit… knowing and truly accepting that what we have… will always be eight hours of quality, fun, intense time together… every two weeks?  Can I allow myself to be satisfied with that?  Should I actually try to look at that as being a positive thing?  There ARE a lot of positive things about having a relationship like we do.  I get to see the best in him, every time I see him.  I get one on one – fully focused attention when I am with him.  I know a lot of couples that have nowhere near eight hours of focused time together over a two-week period.  I get to be his icing… I get to be the desired one… I get the thoughtful, romantic gestures…

I guess the real question is… is that enough?  Can that be enough for me?  Can I accept things the way they are… take what he is able to give me and know it will never be anything more than that?  That is the true question and I haven’t discovered the answer yet.

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Happy – hurt – confused?

I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.

I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?

I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.

I will never truly be a part of his life.  I will always be his secret.  I won’t ever meet his friends.  I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously.  He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.

Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life?  Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’.  Boundaries.  Protection.  But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role?  Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?

A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are?  If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway?  Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.

When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does.  He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation.  Am I trying to justify?  Rationalize?  Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t?  If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely?  Am I ignoring my inner voice?  Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have.  Am I self sabotaging?

Being in my head – isn’t always a party.

 

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What it boils down to…

I’m not worth it.

He’d rather stay comfortable, than be what I need him to be for me.

I will only ever be an ‘extra’ to him.

I will always come at least second… sometimes not even that.

I’m important to him but not that important.

I don’t think I deserve any better.

Why would he change things, if he gets to have all of it the way things are?

It’s me that is the one sacrificing… yet again.

I never learn.

 

 

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Waiting For Daddy…

I was ‘talking’ with Daddy online last night… and something he said triggered some sadness in me.  He referred to our relationship as being an ‘affair’.  I know technically that IS what it is but… I don’t really think of it that way.  At least, it’s not in the forefront of my mind as such.  I just don’t really think of it like that.  When I do, it makes me sad.

I get confused sometimes about things.  Daddy is mine but at the same time he isn’t.  Do I justify things?  Rationalize things?

After we talked, I thought more about stuff and started to feel really sad and hurt.

So… I wrote an email to him, telling him how I felt confused and I asked him a bunch of questions.

I want to know… why he stays.  I want to know… the dynamic between them.  I want to know… do they have meaningful, deep conversations?  What’s it like at their house?

I’m waiting for him to jump on the computer so we can chat about things.  Part of me wants to avoid this conversation at all costs.  Part of me wants to head to bed… take some Ativan and ‘sleep it off’…  The problem is… Daddy and I are suppose to get together this Saturday.  So… I want to try to figure things out, so that we can either have a nice time together on Saturday or cancel our plans till I feel better about things.

My heart hurts.

 

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Crossing that line…

Safest Road To Hell…

red-watercolor-background559

I recently read an article in Reader’s Digest about how our instincts can fail us.  The article described five different ways that our natural instincts can be harmful, even lethal.  They were described as:

  1. The Domino Effect
  2. Double or Nothing
  3. Situational Blindness
  4. Bending the Map
  5. Redlining

The one that provoked the most thought for me was redlining.  Two examples to illustrate what redlining is:

  1. A scuba diver sees an interesting wreck just beyond the limit of their dive tables.
  2. A mountain climber goes beyond their turnaround time, wanting to reach the summit.

When a situation requires a safety parameter, people will be tempted to overstep it.  It is very easy for a person to think, I’ll just go over the red line a little bit.  No big deal.  Of course, very often, a little bit becomes a little bit more and then just a little bit more and eventually you realize you have gone too far but by that time, it may already be too late.  You have ‘little bitted’ your way into that danger zone, the point of no return.

That’s the danger of crossing the red line.  Once you have crossed it, there may be no other cues to remind you that you are headed in the wrong direction.  There isn’t anything calling you back to the safe side.

This got me thinking.  How often have I ‘redlined’ myself into trouble or unhealthy situations?  How often have I sworn to myself… “just a little bit” and then later on, some time down the road, I turn back around, quite startled and ask myself;  “Whoa… wait a second, how the hell did I ever end up here?”

I’m not necessarily talking about crossing physical red lines or physical safety parameters (although that has also happened) but crossing my own bottom lines, allowing my boundaries to be crossed, allowing myself to cross my moral and ethical red lines.  It is the “just a little bit” thinking that leads me into real trouble.  I should take a step back from those red lines and realize that.  I need to be aware when I am tempted to redline and recognize the true danger I put myself in, if I do ultimately decide to cross it.  Lessons learned.

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Above photo credited to:  filchist on flickr.

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The ‘Other Woman’… always the evil one?

I was browsing blogs the other day and stumbled upon a blog that belongs to a woman whose husband had an affair.  In one of her posts… the ‘other woman’ was described in a negative light.  Which got me thinking…  (disclaimer!  the thoughts below are MY thoughts that I had after reading her post, I am in no way attributing the words below as being hers…)

  • Is it truly fair that people tend to lump the ‘other woman’ into one category?
  • Is it fair to assume that the ‘other woman’ MUST be a husband stealing, awful, lying bitch?
  • Is it fair to think that once a woman becomes the ‘other woman’… she can never again be truly trusted?
  • Is it true that a woman is more responsible for having an affair than a man is (even if she is the one who is single, she is the one who didn’t betray vows made etc…) – simply because she is a woman and doesn’t tend to be led by sexual urges?
  • Do people tend to blame the ‘other woman’, more than the man?  If so, why?
  • Are there any circumstances where being the ‘other woman’ can actually improve someone else’s marriage, even though the wife may be unaware of the true reason why?
  • If a single friend of yours… revealed to you that she was having an affair with a married man – would that change your opinion of her in a negative way?

Curious minds… want to know!!!

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WWW Wednesday – Letters, Married Men and Ethical Sluts!

WWW Wednesday

www_wednesdays43Hosted by:  Should Be Reading

• What are you currently reading?

• What did you recently finish reading?

• What do you think you’ll read next?

Currently Reading

From a to x

Recently Finished

how-to-successfully-date-a-married-man-understanding-and-abiding-by-the-rules

Reading Next?

ethical slut

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How To Successfully Date A Married Man

Book Review

how-to-successfully-date-a-married-man-understanding-and-abiding-by-the-rules

How To Successfully Date A Married Man

By Gloria Bonds

My Rating:  3 stars ***

First of all – the title is pretty misleading.  The author, Gloria Bonds is very one-sided and closed-minded with her opinion regarding the morality of dating a married man… AND it is not the side you would assume it to be from the title. 

This book would be fantastic for someone who wants to reinforce their reasons for staying away from married men… or for a woman who has recently left a married man (after having had an affair with him) and is looking to bolster her decision for having done so. 

It seems to me that the author likes to paint everyone – married men, the ‘other woman’ and wives – all with the same brush.  She leaves little acknowledgment for the fact that situations CAN be different and not ALL people are the same.

My Rating System:

0 Stars: Did not finish, was not able to keep my interest enough to bother to continue.

*  1 Star: I didn’t like this book — felt more like homework than reading for pleasure.

**  2 Stars: This book needed something different to make me like it.

***  3 Stars: This book was good. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. I would recommend based on certain tastes.

****  4 Stars: This book was delightful. I’m glad I read it.

*****  5 Stars: I really enjoyed this book. I will probably read it again.

*****+   5+ Stars: A new favorite.

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