Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Seeing Daddy Tomorrow!

I just checked into the hotel room and Daddy and I are emailing back and forth.

I had a stressful day and was having a hard time winding down.

Just ‘talking’ to Daddy… makes me feel calmer.

He has a way of instantly being able to put me into Little mode and the stress of the big, bad, “grownup” world seems to melt away.

He allows me to be Little and he takes care of me. 

He makes me feel safe and protected.  Cared for and loved.

He lets me be who I am.  Who I really am. 

Not only does he LET me be myself… he loves me for being ME…

I love him.

 

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Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

Can someone throw me some clonazepam?  diazepam?

I think I need a couple.

Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy.  This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.

Not tonight.  I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.

Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.

So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately.  Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing.  No real deep connecting.

So… I told him how I was feeling.  This is a new pattern for me.  Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.

When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty.  I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks.  I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…

On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things.  Putting me as not so much a priority as before.

I already take second place by default.

Am I now, falling further and further down the list?

Does he think I will be okay with that?  Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.

What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!

My auto default is to run.  Ignore.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Three choices.  That’s what my mind automatically falls to.

Run.

Ignore.

Pretend it’s not happening.

Trying to figure out new choices.

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Fat Art – Chris Campbell

Fat Art

 

Floating Flower by Chris Campbell

Floating Flower by Chris Campbell

 

 

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10 Day Challenge – Day Nine

Day Nine

Two images that describe your life right now and why.

 

Little me lights

Wow… look at this picture I found on Google images.  This is a great representation of what has been going on with me in the last little while.

My inner Little, discovering her and letting her shine and come out of the darkness.

Daddy there… in the background… watching but allowing me space to learn and grow on my own too, while watching to ensure that I’m safe.

Daddy is sort of there… but not.  Not always immediately available.  On the outskirts…  Most of the time being more than an arms length away.

Great representation of what is going on with me right now!  I’m so glad I found it!

 

 

 

 

free This picture represents my sense on inner freedom that I have been earning for myself lately.  The more I explore… the more I come to accept myself and what I want… the more I learn to set boundaries in a healthy way… the more joy I feel inside.  It is hard to explain how much inner freedom I am gaining, by allowing my sexuality to express itself in the way it has always wanted to.  I’ve done a lot of work in the last year.  I’m proud with how far I have come.  Bubbles are so joy inducing for me!

 

 

 

 

 

WANT TO PLAY?

If you do…

You can opt to go back to Day One of the Challenge

OR just do today’s challenge if you like!

Write your own post and then place a link to it in the comments section below…

That way – everybody else can check it out too! 

Thanks for playing and remember… come back for Day Ten!

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Pictures

‘Family’ Pictures….

 

Trax on the run...

Trax on the run…

 

Fisher... being cool...

Fisher… being cool…

 

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

 

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

 

Seeing Daddy on Friday.  We plan to spend the day together.  He said we’ll go to Build A Bear!  I am hoping to get Trax a new outfit and maybe his very own passport!  Daddy mentioned wearing my pigtails and to bring my hair thingies with me, so he could help pick out which ones to wear (he usually does this… I really like it).  I’m a little apprehensive about being in public with pigtails, (usually I only wear them when I’m with Daddy inside) especially if I am also carrying Trax around with me too.  A part of me thinks to myself – why the hell should I care what anybody else thinks or might think?  I need to learn to be comfortable with my own stuff, I need to be comfortable with me.  I’m learning, pushing and growing.  It’s a process and Daddy helps along the way.

 

 

 

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Ode to Fat Bodies

Ode to Fat Bodies

Images/writing below from:  The Nearsighted Owl  (check her blog out… she’s fatastic!)

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To the riot grrrls, divas, fierce fatties, chubby bunnies and fatshionistas

Performers, activists, artists, writers, radical babes and fat bitches
With rolls in different places and all over
Generous thighs, double-chins
And bellies that don’t make apologizes
We have dimples for miles
Cellulite is our badge of fat girl power
Member card for the pudding club
 
We fight, scream, pose, paint, write and sing
Strut, fuck, dance and create
 
 
To the riot grrrls, divas, fierce fatties, chubby bunnies and fatshionistas
Performers, activists, artists, writers, radical babes and fat bitches
We are the fat movement
fat pride 3
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Questioning Myself…

For the last week or so… I have really be questioning myself…  I am starting to wonder just how ‘adult’ I actually am.  Up until quite recently – I have suppressed my Little side.

I have ‘acted’ like an adult and I thought I was doing a damn good job of it.  I think by all appearances… I am doing a good job.  I function pretty well in an adult world and I am technically doing it on my own (no spouse).  However, now that I am allowing my Little side to emerge, I have been realizing the contrast… between Little and Adult.  What I am starting to realize is… I don’t think I’m actually as grown up as I once thought.

Daddy and how he handles things… is very adult.  The things he is ‘helping’ me with… are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my own.  Simple things, like making a bedtime and taking my vitamins.  It’s not rocket science – it’s responsiblity for yourself.  If Daddy isn’t there making sure I do those things… I know I wouldn’t be doing them.

Another aspect of this I have also been pondering… is my emotional maturity.  That is where I think I am most lacking.  I don’t handle my feelings well.  I don’t rage or take temper tantrums… it’s not overly obvious that I have difficulty with emotions… which is likely why I have been getting away with doing it for so long.  The problem is… I don’t deal with my emotions well, which causes me physical harm (health issues, migraines etc), as well as emotional harm to myself (depression, irritability etc).

Not being a fully functioning adult, must also affect my daughter in certain ways as well.  Children learn from what they see – not from what they are told.  Is it any wonder that my daughter is having a difficult time dealing with her emotions in a healthy way?  I haven’t modelled that behaviour for her.

So – where to go from here?

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and allowing it a place to grow, will actually end up helping my adult side grow as well.

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and blossom… is actually reinforcing NOT being an adult and NOT learning to handle things in a more adult way.

I question myself – perhaps I am being too hard on myself.

I question if I am lacking…  if I am ‘less than’ because I am actually not a fully functioning, well-adjusted adult (although appearances may deceive).

I question if perhaps I don’t actually deceive and play the role of an adult, as well as I think I do.  Perhaps some people are on to me and have been for a while, I just haven’t realized or acknowledged it.

These are the things I have been wondering about lately.

Growing Up Little indeed.

 

 

 

 

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Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

I am honoured to accept the Very Inspiring Blogger Award from writingthebody.   I am proud to repeat the kind and touching things he said about my blog:

This is an honest blog about a 40yo woman whose journey has taken her from divorce to the scene I am in.  I admire her honesty and her integrity.  She really is an inspiration.

AND

I have nominated you for the award that really is the best named of all for what you are doing – the very inspiring blogger award.  I re-read your about page before I did this – just thinking about the integrity of what you are doing here. You are a real inspiration, and I so hope you will accept my nomination…

very-inspiring-blogger-award1

Guidelines for accepting this award:

1. Create a post and reveal 7 things about yourself.

2. Post the blog award on your site, indicate who nominated you.

3. Present the award to up to 15 bloggers that inspire you and include links to their blogs in your post.

Seven Things About Myself

  1. I have been seeing my Daddy Dom for about six months now.
  2. I have experienced a lot of firsts with him, including:  anal sex, knife play, belt spanking…
  3. I love performing oral sex on him and he is the first man I have ever allowed to ‘finish’ in my mouth.
  4. I crave him hurting me… spanking (hands, belt, brush, cane), knife play etc.
  5. Calling a man ‘Daddy’, use to seriously creep me out before I met him.
  6. I feel incredibly understood sexually by him.
  7. I have never had this level of trust sexually for anyone before (including in my marriage)!

My Nominations

  1. The Life of J-Wo
  2. Prinze Charming
  3. captkitty
  4. I’m not quiet
  5. Surrendered Heart
  6. Blue 88
  7. todanceandtolove
  8. sexandtheshameless
  9. Submissive Musings
  10. The Bedroom Submissive

If any of you haven’t checked out the bloggers above…

I encourage you to!  Each and every one of them, inspire me to write, blog, and/or live better!

Thanks, once again to writingthebody for this award.  (A fantastic blog for all to check out!)

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There is Not a Thin Person Trapped Inside Me Either…

There is NOT a Thin Person Trapped Inside Me Either

The article and picture below is from:  The Nearsighted Owl

I love her blog, especially her posts about fat acceptance.  Her attitude is remarkable…

Nearsighted Owl

Picture from the Nearsighted Owl blog.

I am not a skinny girl trapped in a fat body. My body is not “extra weight” or over my allotted allowance of size that I was meant to be. I am fat and probably always will be fat.
 
I have given up on the fantasy. The fantasy of having a different body. The fantasy of being thin. I used to have this reoccurring daydream that I was granted any wish I wanted, and my first one was to be thin and have long hair. Or anytime I saw a flat stomach, I would spend days thinking what it would be like if that was my body.
 
Now I can draw my own form without looking and don’t project other people’s bodies on my own. I feel like I am finally a tidy package, instead of this tall, fat, awkward disjointed person that I used to be. It took years for me to stop seeing myself as a potential thin person. To stop sucking it in and squinting at the mirror to see what I thought I wanted to see. Now I look at myself naked and I feel like a whole person. I feel like every inch of my body belongs to me and this is what I am supposed to fucking look like.
                                                                                                                                                        – Rachele
I can really identify with what she has written.
Thank you Rachele for blogging about fat acceptance!

 

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Gargie Award!

Gargie Award

gargie

I am honoured to accept the GARGIE Award from writingthebody.  Thank you!

The rules:

1.  Display the award badge on your site.

2.  Publish a post to inform the world of your great achievement.

3.  Nominate 5 fellow bloggers (who have been outstanding in their field or perhaps who you admire).

4.  Indicate to your nominees that they have received the award.

I am happy to nominate the following blogs for this award:

If you haven’t yet checked the above blogs out… take a peek!

Big thank you to writingthebody for presenting me with this award!

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