Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Reality Blog Award

 

realityblogaward

 

I am honoured to accept this award from Blue 88, Luke Cameron Manion.  This guy is an amazing writer… I encourage everybody to check him out!

Part of accepting this award, is answering some fun questions… so here I go…

1. If you could change one thing, what would you change?

My health, which would include. no migraines, a healthy BMI… etc. etc.

2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

23 years old, the year my daughter was born.  I would love to experience that very special time again.

3. What is one thing that really scares you?

Losing those closest to me.

4. What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

I’ve always wanted to go trekking in Thailand.  Realistically, I don’t think I will ever be able to, health wise.

5. If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

That’s a hard one to answer!  I’m sure with more thought… I’d be able to come up with something better… but for now I will say Kate Middleton.

kate-middleton-open-peterborough-city-hospital-08

 

With this award, I get to pass it along to ten other blogs!  Choosing ten people to receive this award, is no easy task and I wish I could award this to every blog that deserves it!   The blogs I have chosen (in no particular order):

If you haven’t checked out the above blogs… I encourage you to!

Thanks again to Blue 88, it’s an honour!

 

 

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Every Cloud

Every Cloud

 

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I bought this when Daddy and I went to the cottage together.  I finally hung it up on my wall today.  I originally purchased it to remind me… that when I am looking at the cons and focusing on them, I need to remind myself of the flip side… I need to remind myself of the pros.

There is always something good in the bad and something bad in the good.

I want it all.  Most do.  But sometimes in the scrambling to gather it all… you lose what you were already holding.

Accept what is.

Appreciate what is.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

I am learning as I grow.

 

 

 

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Feeling Lonely

Feeling Lonely

Little GIrl Facing Away

 

Was ‘talking’ to Daddy on Messenger tonight.  It has been a couple of days since we have had much contact.  It is usually about two to two and a half weeks between visits with him and sometimes….   I start feeling a bit disconnected from him.  Tonight, I kind of let him know… but re-thinking this as I am writing – I wasn’t exactly upfront about how I was feeling.  I ended up acting needy.  I feel like I am being needy.  The situation between us… it makes me question sometimes… am I asking too much?  or am I asking too little?  And then I feel guilty because I know that Daddy is doing the best that he can for me under the circumstances.

Yesterday, I was getting a migraine and I can at times get a bit sulky when I do.  I just wanted my Daddy to be there… you know…  And he will never be there like that when I want him or even need him.  In a lot of ways… I am still on my own… even though I consider myself to be “with” Daddy.  This isn’t the first time I have felt like this.  Part of me gets angry at him because he isn’t there for those moments that I wish he could be.  At the same time – it’s not fair to complain to him about it, since there is little he can do about it.  I either need to accept it or decide not to accept it.  So that’s where I sit for now.

I think I really need to write more… express what I am thinking in words… it’s always been a good way for me to sort this stuff out.  For me to see my crazy thoughts and repetition of my crazy thoughts in black and white.   SO… if there are some whiny posts in the next few days… you’ll know why!

LJ feels a little bit mad and a little bit sad.

LJ feels a little bit mad and a little bit sad.

 

 

 

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Words To Live By…

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Any advice for someone trying to find themselves in this world?

Don’t ever let anyone sell you a map.

 

 

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More Notes From A Day With Daddy

Here is another excerpt from my email to Daddy, commenting on the last day we had spent together:

And then Daddy took me to the middle of the room and had me close my eyes.  My pants come down and I start feeling very shy and vulnerable.  The blindfold.  Daddy asked me to tell him where his ‘spot’ was but… the words didn’t come out.  And the longer they didn’t come out… the longer they wouldn’t come out.  And then, I was wishing I had just blurted it out to start with!  You said I was blushing.  You had me sit on the chair.  I hear the tape being scrolled out and my hand being placed on the armrest.  Feeling the tape around my wrist.  The other wrist.  I could get out.  I felt sneaky doing that.  Not so sneaky when you got the handcuffs out though.  Again you speaking closely in my ear…. your voice loud and strong… telling me and asking me things… Feeling owned by you and knowing I would do what you wanted me to do.  I loved touching you while I had the handcuffs on.

The Hitachi… I love when you use the Hitachi on me.  I love being pleasured by you like that.  Knowing you enjoy watching me be pleasured…  I love that Daddy knows how to make me cum for him and he watches me as I do.
You sinking into me.  Entering me.  Fucking me.  Your spot.  Owned.
I wanted to feel you cum inside me.  I want to feel that.  I want to know that you’ve left yourself inside of me like that and that you have enjoyed yourself with me in that way.

Check out my first post Notes From A Day With Daddy.

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Dear Daddy…

(Below is part of an email that I sent to Daddy tonight….)

I had a wonderful, wonderful day.
I feel like I am becoming closer and closer to you… and I truly love the way our relationship is growing.
The way we communicate with one another.
I don’t think I have ever had the type of understanding you have for me… the way you just ‘get it’… with anyone else that I’ve ever been with.
It feels really nice to feel listened to and heard.
You have been so patient with me, from the very beginning and I think I’ve needed quite a bit of patience sometimes.
I feel like I’m growing with you. I think it’s a combination of me being ready to grow and you helping me to grow.
I know for sure, that it wouldn’t be the same without you.
I do really like this path we’re on.

Bed3

 

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Email To Daddy – Awaiting A Response

Email To Daddy – Awaiting A Response

The following email below is the unedited email I sent to Daddy (other than some names/locations altered for privacy issues).  (Also… Added some pictures for interest.)  I spoke with Daddy briefly last night but he was on his way out the door to work, so he hasn’t had time to properly respond but assures me he will.  To me this email is really revealing a lot of truths and sensitivities I have kept hidden my entire life.  They may not seem like drastic revelations to some but to me – they hit very close to the heart.  I feel like I am revealing a part of myself to him and I am quite nervous and anxious about how he will respond.  Not that I don’t trust he will respond sensitively, it’s just that this is such a big emotional step for me.  It’s a big ‘reveal’, so to speak, in my emotional being.  I have decided to share it with you, hoping for some comments and/or insight from others.

little girls

Daddy –
I want to run something by you… because it’s been brewing in me for a few weeks now.
To try to make a complicated explanation – shorter…
I have been noticing for the last few weeks especially, that (and this might sound a little odd to you)… I have been feeling.
By ‘feeling’… I mean… usually I am pretty even keeled.  I am pretty flat lined.  Not that I don’t FEEL… it’s just usually my emotions don’t dip too low or too high, generally speaking.  I mean of course, if something particularly awful happens – I get upset but… normally, everyday type stuff – I don’t really have too wide of an emotional range, so to speak.

For the last while… (hard to say exactly when I think it actually started)… my emotional range has extended quite a lot.  I mean when I feel happy about something – I feel really happy about it.  When I feel sad about something – I feel really sad about it.  When I feel hurt by something, I feel really hurt about it.  There has been a significant increase in the intensity of feeling things about stuff that happens.
I’ve (of course, you know me) thought about it, tried to analyze it a bit… and I’m starting to think that NOT repressing my little side all the time, like I use to, is also causing me NOT to repress my other feelings too.

Little GIrl Facing Away
I don’t really know, what’s normal when it comes to feelings and emotions and stuff.  I know I have always had difficulty identifying my feelings, admitting my feelings and of course actually allowing myself to FEEL my feelings.  I simply don’t normally allow myself to feel anything with any real amount of intensity to it.  This has been something I have done since I was quite young.  If there was a motto for how I normally deal with stuff… it would be ‘repress, repress, repress’.  It’s how I have always dealt.
I have repressed in a number of ways over the years.  Everything from just mentally and consciously deciding to repress (which eventually turned into repressing unconsciously), to drinking heavily, to doing drugs, food and eating is obviously a big one, prescription drugs is another big one (these are just the ones off the top of my head).

I can actually remember when I started ‘teaching’ myself how to take ‘bad’ feelings and make them mentally go away.  I remember feeling at the time, like I was discovering something really, really cool… cause now I could do and live life a lot easier without these ‘bad’, ‘inconvenient’ feelings getting in my way.  I was at the time, consciously learning and teaching myself to repress feelings (although at the time, I certainly didn’t even know the vocabulary of ‘repression’ to describe what I was actually doing).
Anyway… I’m trying not to tell my entire history here but now that I AM experiencing these ups and downs, I don’t know how normal it is.  I mean I know that might sound a little fucked up to you… but I don’t know if this is okay.  It scares me a bit because I’m afraid that I’m going to start sliding down this hill of feeling emotions and I’ll end up a fucking basket case all the time.  There is a part of me though… that likes feeling things.  I mean… sure there is the bad side to it but… there’s also the good side.  When I feel good and happy – I feel really good and really happy.  It’s not blunted happiness like it use to be.  (I’m not sure if that will make sense to you or not.)
little girl hiding
I really think that it’s NOT my environment that is changing so much, as it’s ME changing.
For example, over the holidays… I left the house on Christmas Eve day… really up.  Feeling really excited about the holidays, seeing everyone, having some good quality family time… but during the extended drive… (daughter) was in a horrible mood and it took a while but eventually it wore my down.  I gradually started to feel irritated and upset but still not too bad.  But then… by the time we arrived at my sister’s place and we went out for dinner… between my sister and (daughter) BOTH getting on my case (they both have really strong personalities)… things were said by BOTH of them that really hurt me (and I felt ganged up on because my sister was right there ‘siding’ and agreeing with (daughter)).  Normally, I would be pissed off at it but I wouldn’t have felt the hurt and especially the intensity of hurt that I did feel.  Normally I would have reacted with a bit of anger or irritability but I would repress most of the emotion quite quickly and essentially be ‘over it’… like it didn’t really matter or never really happened.  Instead of that, this time what happened actually hurt me.  I felt it and I physically felt it.  I sat there, in the middle of the restaurant, feeling really hurt, not saying a word for several minutes, then spending the rest of the dinner just trying to get through it, fighting the urge to go escape to the washroom where I knew I would burst out and cry.  That is SO not normally like me at all.
feeling
It’s like I am again becoming that sensitive child that my mother had a hard time dealing with, let alone validating.  That five-year old child that overheard my mother telling my kindergarten teacher that I was ‘a really sensitive child’, essentially telling that teacher that my feelings weren’t really a normal reaction to what had happened anyway, that I was overreacting and not to really pay too much attention to it.  It was way back then, that I started to learn that the way I felt… my feelings and the way I expressed my feelings – was not okay.  There was something wrong not only that I had them but in the way I handled them.  Looking back at it… I realize I really wasn’t abnormal… I was a little kid that was hurt by something my teacher did.  Maybe I was a sensitive child… maybe.  Or maybe my mother just didn’t feel comfortable with her own emotions and certainly didn’t feel comfortable handling MY emotions either.  I don’t even thing it really was that I was a particularly sensitive kid – I was just a little kid, having little kid feelings, like any other kid.  I’m still not really able to determine which it was… because my sense of knowing what is and is not in the ‘normal spectrum’ of feeling is so confusing for me, I don’t know if it would be considered being sensitive or not.  Regardless, I know that growing up, handling feelings in a healthy and appropriate way wasn’t modeled by anyone in the home and I never really learned how to deal with my feelings in a healthy manner – without guilt, without hiding them, without redirecting them, without denying them, without repressing them or coping with them in some other unhealthy manner.  Everything was fine with my mother, as long as you didn’t feel anything too much.  There was absolutely no encouragement to talk or express any feeling of sadness or hurt… that she actively modelled and encouraged us to hide, minimize and ignore.  She was a fantastic minimizer.  I remember coming home one day and walking into the kitchen and telling her an ex-boyfriend of mine had just been killed in a drunk driving accident.  Her response was:  “Oh… that’s too bad.  We are having spaghetti for dinner in about 10 minutes.”  Okay… so I walked into my bedroom.  Later, at dinner I brought up that I didn’t know if I should attend his funeral of not.  Her response:  “Oh, I don’t think so.  There really isn’t a need for that.”  That was it.  No further discussion.  That sort of example, was par for the course in how things were handled growing up.  My grandmother (on my Dad’s side) had a stroke and was sent to the hospital, so my parents both left and drove down to (location 1) (we were living in (location 2) at the time).  So anyway, within 24 hours or so, she died in the hospital.  My parents never came back to (location 2) or arranged to have us kids picked up and driven to (location 1), in order to attend her funeral.  All four of us kids (not really ‘kids’, my brother 22, sister 21, me 16, sister 14), really resented the fact that we were unable and not allowed to attend the funeral of my grandmother.  That was how emotions were handled – they didn’t really happen.
depression
I feel the need to say – my parents were not and are not bad parents at all.  I certainly didn’t have a horrible childhood.  My parents had four children, little money and they were doing the best that they could – which overall, was pretty damn good, all considered.  I know that and I certainly don’t mean to complain or criticize them and the job they did as parents.  I’m very grateful to them both.  I don’t want you to think I’m some ungrateful little brat, whining that mommy didn’t validate her feelings enough… (not that you would think that… but sometimes part of ME thinks that, which is why I feel guilty even discussing this).
So anyway… this was SUPPOSE to be the short version of things – LOL.

Trying to summarize what I’m saying is:  since allowing myself to allow my Little side to emerge… I think it’s connected to the fact that I am no longer repressing my emotions and feelings like I normally do.  I’m noticing it and I’m a little worried and freaked out by it.  I think maybe it’s a good thing… maybe a healing thing… that I am beginning to allow feelings to come to the surface but I also worry a bit that I am unprepared to know how to deal with all of my feelings in a healthy manner, when they do emerge.
One thing I have thought about… is maybe going into some type of therapy.  I don’t know though because I think the wrong therapist can do a lot more harm than good and I just feel like I’m at a point that I am becoming so vulnerable…  it’s again, trusting another person.
I’m also afraid of the possibility of the judgement I might get from the therapist in regards to the BDSM path I’m on and the uniqueness of the relationship that you and I have.  So for those reasons, I hesitate.  I really want to know what you think is best in that regard.

So…. I just wanted to let you know what was going on with me.  I don’t want to focus TOO much on it… that’s not why I am bringing it up.  I more just wanted you to be aware of it.  I have delayed talking to you about it for a few weeks because I needed to process it a bit more myself but I also don’t want to appear ‘weak’ or ‘attention seeking’ or ‘needy’ either.  All of those things make me feel uncomfortable and it’s part of the reason why I have been somewhat reluctant to discuss this with you.
I know you aren’t there to fix all my problems.  I know I have some issues and a lot of growth that I need to do and I’m just not sure how MUCH I should share with you.  You aren’t my therapist.  BUT… at the same time… I want to be totally open about where I am with things.  And this is affecting my thoughts and my views and my attitude towards allowing myself to feel Little.  I have a feeling that… if I continue down this road of exploring my sexuality and of exploring being Little… it will come with the need to deal with some of these issues.
I think it’s important to communicate and I don’t want to hide what is actually going on with me from you because I know that is a slippery slope for me.  Once I start hiding… it builds and I know where it ends up eventually.  I don’t want that for us.
I guess part of me is feeling a bit insecure about how deeply you want to become involved with me.  I mean, I just can’t see how I can continue to explore this path with you… without being totally open and communicating and transparent about where I am at.
I don’t know if you really want to take ‘me’ and all my fucked-up-edness that comes along with me being able to explore this path.
Maybe I analyze things way too much.  Maybe I look too much for meaning and read way too much into things.  Maybe I simply think too much.
And yes, I guess I do.  BUT here we are.
lost innocence
So, anyway, I’m not really sure where to leave this… other than to say, that I really would like your insight into things and your feelings on what I have said.  I’d like to know what you think of the therapist idea.  I’d also like to get some sort of idea of how involved you want to be in what’s going on with me when it comes to stuff like this.
I would like it if you thought things over and wrote me back a letter about it.  I don’t really want to attempt to go in-depth about it over messenger, without getting the bulk of things sorted out first through letters, if that’s okay?
Sorry to drop this on you in one big lump, especially knowing it’s Thursday and will be a long night for you tonight.  Please feel free to put it on a back burner for a bit if you wish.

So… I think I better finally head to bed.  My sleeping schedule is TOTALLY messed up from when I was sleeping weird hours with my migraines.  I really need to work to get myself back on track.
Going off to cuddle with Trax.

Daddy… I love you and I’m sorry if I’m a bit complicated.  I wish I wasn’t.

Big hugs and tippy toe kisses.
Your little girl figuring out feelings,
(me)
birth of feeling

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Beginning of the End?

Beginning of the End?

Just talked (over messenger) with Daddy.  It’s the first time in a few days that we have actually chatted.  He has had a cold and I’ve been suffering from multi-day migraines, so we both haven’t been feeling very good.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I coloured this for Daddy.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet… but the last time we got together physically, it had been about two weeks since our last visit.  Physically I felt some distance, especially at first.  I mean we hadn’t seen one another for a couple of weeks and for some reason, that time, I found it harder to re-connect with him on that type of level.  I don’t think he noticed and I hesitate to bring it up to him.  I don’t think I will – for now anyway.  We aren’t ‘scheduled’ to get together again till January 9th… so it will be two and a half weeks between visits.  Even longer than last time.

When I don’t talk with him on messenger or over the phone or see him regularly… I start feeling disconnected from him.  Once I start feeling that disconnection… part of me is tempted not to re-connect.  I know things won’t change.  He thinks the spring will be better.  He reminds me… that the time we do spend together, is that more precious because it IS limited.  He is right, of course.  BUT… that negative side of things comes back.

I think part of me is insecure.  I’m not really sure why.  I hate being confused all the time.  I am getting tired of trying to figure myself out, trying to figure our relationship out… I think too much.  Part of me thinks… I need to shit or get off the pot.  I either have to accept the limitations of our ‘relationship’ OR I have to decide that this type of relationship won’t work for me.  For now though… I continue to sit in limbo.

I am seriously considering starting to see a counsellor again, just to have someone to talk things over with, someone outside of what’s happening.  I wonder what Daddy would think of that?

 

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It Isn’t Ageplay

The writing below: “It Isn’t Ageplay” is taken from the blog Masochistically Defiant.  She refers to her Daddy as “Monster” (which I think is absolutely adorable).  Look for my comments afterwards – I am so excited about my take from this!

It Isn’t Ageplay

I know there’s lots and lots of people out there who associate being a  “little” with ageplay. For my Monster and I, ageplay doesn’t even come close to  describing our relationship. Just for a second I am going to describe what the  term ageplay (age play, age-play) means to me. And please remember this is my  opinion, yours may be different. My idea of what ageplay is: A person or couple that pretends to be a different age. They have a set  time for when they are going to be this certain age and maybe even dress up for  an ageplay session. When it’s all over they drop the act and go back to  normal.Like I said, this is only my opinion on the term. For my relationship with  Monster…that doesn’t describe how we work. I hate labels, but the closest one  for me would be a non-age specific regressive little mixed with a child at  heart. But how is this different than ageplay? First, I have no idea what “age” my little side is. I always just go with mid  to late teens. Stuck at 16-ish most of the time. There’s no pretending that I am  a definite 16, it’s just how I am. Second, we never know when it’s coming. Well…the grocery store brings out  my younger side. But in a normal day, Monster can’t say, be 9. It doesn’t work  like that for me. If I am not feeling 9 I can’t act 9. Third, Monster doesn’t alter into this Daddy persona. It’s who he is. His  personality. I’ve been told by ‘nilla people, “he’s such a Daddy.” It’s not this  role he slips into whenever he wants. Same for me. I am a kid at heart. I never  grew out of cartoons, coloring books, and ribbons and bows. I still giggle like  mad when people say the names for naughty bits. It’s my personality. Him being Daddy and me being little girl is us. 24/7. No set times for when  or how or where. My little side is always there. Just under the surface. Waiting  and watching for the thing that pulls it out. A sparkle, a shine, a sound,  anything that entices that side of me to come out. If some people label that as  ageplay, so be it. I just…don’t. I like to think of us as two people with  complementing personalities.

 

I was so excited to have read this last night.  I almost wanted to cry at the end of it because I have been struggling to understand and accept my little side.  I was confused about where the line was between being little and ageplay.  It felt blurry to me and I was confused and unsettled because of that.  I still can’t say I have accepted my little side in full but reading this and absorbing it was a huge step forward for me.

I think my Daddy has been trying to tell me almost the same thing but for some reason, hearing it from another little, in her own words, was what I needed.  I think Daddy already had a good grasp on the fact that my little side is a part of me… it’s not separate, it’s not a role I play… it is part of who I am.  Daddy knew that.  Daddy tried to tell me but for some reason… I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t understand it, not at the time.

When I read:  My little side is always there.  Just under the surface.  Waiting and watching for the thing that pulls it out.
That clicked with me, it made so much sense.  My little side really is part of my personality (just like my Daddy said it was).  She is just under the surface but I have been hiding her and repressing her for so long, maybe always.  So why is she coming out now?  I think it is because I am finally with a man who understands me, who I trust, who accepts me for me.  I haven’t had that before.  Ever.  I think another reason is because I have been actively exploring my sexuality and accepting that it is a bit “out of the norm”.  Through this exploration, I am becoming more self-aware.  So… my little side finally feels safe enough to peek out and take a look around.  She is still pretty shy but she is learning to trust coming out to play.

Another huge step forward for me is that I’m realizing that my little side is not bad, she’s not a weird character flaw that I need to overcome…  she just never grew up all the way… and that’s okay… she doesn’t have to… she doesn’t need to… she can come out and play with Daddy when and where it’s safe.

This new acceptance and understanding of my little side, has given me such a sense of freedom to be who I am and be okay with who I am.  It’s truly wonderful.

So – thanks again to Masochistically Defiant.  I encourage everyone to give her blog a peek… cause you just never know, when someone else’s writing is going to be exactly what you need to read, at exactly the right time for you.

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A Woman Never Forgets

A Woman Never Forgets

You are so good for me.
You are exactly what I need.
I am growing so much with you.
Learning so much with you.
Discovering so many new things.
You are opening all these new worlds for me and encouraging me to explore them.
And when I get scared, you’re there, helping me and guiding me along the way.
Walking together, allowing me to put my little hand, in your strong one.
These are all things, that a woman never forgets.
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