Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Daddy Dom and I ‘talk’

Daddy and I spent the day together yesterday and it was wonderful and blissful and orgasmic…

During our time together, he mentioned that perhaps our next day together might be this Wednesday or Saturday… which is sooner than I would normally see him.  Lately, almost like clock work, we end up seeing one another every two weeks.

So.. we messaged back and forth tonight and he starts writing about our next day together… I’m immediately thinking he is going to say this Wednesday or Saturday… he doesn’t… he says a date two weeks down the road…  I am immediately disappointed and hurt.  Maybe I shouldn’t be… and maybe I over-react but… I decided that I was going to bring it up and discuss it with him.

So… I won’t bore you with the details… but by the end he agreed not to bring up any ‘dates’ that he wasn’t certain about and acknowledged the ‘two week’ routine, as being part of him being able to ‘cover his tracks’, so to speak.  He also said that there would be times we would see one another MORE often than that and that he planned to spend lots of time together doing stuff this summer.

By the end of it… I was pacified… still hurting a bit but… pacified.

I struggle with it sometimes.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work things out, in my own head and with him, so that we can make things work for us.  I’m learning as I go.  And irregardless of what the end game ends up being – there is at least that.

 

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Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

Can someone throw me some clonazepam?  diazepam?

I think I need a couple.

Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy.  This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.

Not tonight.  I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.

Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.

So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately.  Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing.  No real deep connecting.

So… I told him how I was feeling.  This is a new pattern for me.  Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.

When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty.  I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks.  I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…

On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things.  Putting me as not so much a priority as before.

I already take second place by default.

Am I now, falling further and further down the list?

Does he think I will be okay with that?  Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.

What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!

My auto default is to run.  Ignore.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Three choices.  That’s what my mind automatically falls to.

Run.

Ignore.

Pretend it’s not happening.

Trying to figure out new choices.

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Something for Hotlilmess….

Trax ready to party with Daddy!

Trax ready to party with Daddy!

I recently changed the theme on my blog.  My very special puppy, who I made with my Daddy at Build A Bear, named Trax, use to be featured at the top of my blog…he was always peeking over everything I wrote!   Unfortunately, this theme doesn’t allow for that.

Fellow blogger – Hotlilmess is going through Trax withdrawls – which I can totally understand!  So these pictures are specially for her but I hope everyone will enjoy taking another peek at my favourite stuffie!

New Snowboarding Jacket!

New Snowboarding Jacket!

Just like Daddy

Just like Daddy

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Daddy Coming in 10 Hours!

Daddy Coming in 10 Hours!

We are celebrating his birthday!  So I have decorated!  Even got him some helium balloons!

Balloons!

 

I bought a nice round carrot cake (his favourite) and those big individual candle numbers for him to blow out and make a wish!

I also put up a Pin The Tail on the Donkey – I don’t think we have any use for the blindfold that came with that game!  We have a MUCH better one we can use!

Wonder What The Winner Will Get!

Wonder what the winner will get?

Even Trax got a new dress shirt for the occasion!

Trax ready to party!

So now… all I need is Daddy!

Just Daddy is Missing!

 

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Pictures

‘Family’ Pictures….

 

Trax on the run...

Trax on the run…

 

Fisher... being cool...

Fisher… being cool…

 

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

Slippers I wear when I am with Daddy.

 

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

Trax trying to talk me out of bedtime.

 

Seeing Daddy on Friday.  We plan to spend the day together.  He said we’ll go to Build A Bear!  I am hoping to get Trax a new outfit and maybe his very own passport!  Daddy mentioned wearing my pigtails and to bring my hair thingies with me, so he could help pick out which ones to wear (he usually does this… I really like it).  I’m a little apprehensive about being in public with pigtails, (usually I only wear them when I’m with Daddy inside) especially if I am also carrying Trax around with me too.  A part of me thinks to myself – why the hell should I care what anybody else thinks or might think?  I need to learn to be comfortable with my own stuff, I need to be comfortable with me.  I’m learning, pushing and growing.  It’s a process and Daddy helps along the way.

 

 

 

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Questioning Myself…

For the last week or so… I have really be questioning myself…  I am starting to wonder just how ‘adult’ I actually am.  Up until quite recently – I have suppressed my Little side.

I have ‘acted’ like an adult and I thought I was doing a damn good job of it.  I think by all appearances… I am doing a good job.  I function pretty well in an adult world and I am technically doing it on my own (no spouse).  However, now that I am allowing my Little side to emerge, I have been realizing the contrast… between Little and Adult.  What I am starting to realize is… I don’t think I’m actually as grown up as I once thought.

Daddy and how he handles things… is very adult.  The things he is ‘helping’ me with… are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my own.  Simple things, like making a bedtime and taking my vitamins.  It’s not rocket science – it’s responsiblity for yourself.  If Daddy isn’t there making sure I do those things… I know I wouldn’t be doing them.

Another aspect of this I have also been pondering… is my emotional maturity.  That is where I think I am most lacking.  I don’t handle my feelings well.  I don’t rage or take temper tantrums… it’s not overly obvious that I have difficulty with emotions… which is likely why I have been getting away with doing it for so long.  The problem is… I don’t deal with my emotions well, which causes me physical harm (health issues, migraines etc), as well as emotional harm to myself (depression, irritability etc).

Not being a fully functioning adult, must also affect my daughter in certain ways as well.  Children learn from what they see – not from what they are told.  Is it any wonder that my daughter is having a difficult time dealing with her emotions in a healthy way?  I haven’t modelled that behaviour for her.

So – where to go from here?

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and allowing it a place to grow, will actually end up helping my adult side grow as well.

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and blossom… is actually reinforcing NOT being an adult and NOT learning to handle things in a more adult way.

I question myself – perhaps I am being too hard on myself.

I question if I am lacking…  if I am ‘less than’ because I am actually not a fully functioning, well-adjusted adult (although appearances may deceive).

I question if perhaps I don’t actually deceive and play the role of an adult, as well as I think I do.  Perhaps some people are on to me and have been for a while, I just haven’t realized or acknowledged it.

These are the things I have been wondering about lately.

Growing Up Little indeed.

 

 

 

 

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An extended visit with Daddy

I am so excited.  I will be spending TWO whole days with Daddy this week.  Usually it’s only one!  I have decided to leave a day earlier, just because there is snow due and I’m worried about getting caught up in the mess of it.  So I’m going in a day early… that way I will be stress free, no chance of the roads closing and messing up our plans!  We will get to spend all Wednesday together and then all of Friday too!

On Thursday, I will shop and entertain myself for the day.  Which will be fun too!

For Daddy, of course

For Daddy, of course

 

Getting away from the current pressures I have at home… will be a nice, revitalizing break as well.  Time for me.  It’s okay – I deserve it.

I plan to bring all my colouring books and doodle pads and crayons, markers, pencil crayons with me.  Might get to do some with Daddy and some when Daddy isn’t around to play too.  This one… I haven’t given to him yet but plan too!  I hope he will like it.  I like the rainbow in it.  I love rainbows and I love unicorns too.  I wish there were a nice way to make white show up in crayons on paper…but it never looks right unfortunately!  So a pink unicorn it is!

Then there is this velvet marker picture…

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Another picture for Daddy.  These velvet pictures are fun and super easy to do.  Colouring takes me and makes me Little.  That glorious place of innocence and vulnerability.  The world goes away and it all becomes about what the best colour choices are.  It’s a wonderful, very zen feeling.

I will be seeing Daddy very soon and I am so desperately looking forward to being little for long stretches of time.  Being under his safe watch… being able to go further on that tether of reality… get lost for longer, for deeper…  One day… might that tether snap?  I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be the worst thing to ever happen to someone.  What do you guys think?

Reality…. the value of it.  What is it’s worth?  Any ideas?

Curious.

 
 

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Daddy Leaves Marks…

I love when Daddy leaves pretty marks on me….

 

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Daddy has played with knives on me before… but this time… I asked him to cut me. 

I love that it is a week later and I still have red marks on my arm, to remember him by. 

He said we would do it again.  Next time though… I am going to ask him to do it in a place that is easier to hide…

 

 

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentines Day Gift for Daddy

 

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I made this for Daddy for Valentines Day.  It is a wooden shaped heart and I cut one inch square pieces of tissue paper… took a pencil, using the eraser end and twisted the tissue around the pencil.  I spread glue over the board and then pressed the tissue onto the board.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  I have no idea how many pieces of one inch square tissue pieces there are – but many!  It took quite awhile but it was really fun to do and I am happy with the result.  I hope he likes it.  It has a hanger… so he can put it up somewhere if he likes.  I am giving it to him in about seven hours.  He is due to knock on the door at 8:30am… and we will be celebrating Valentine’s Day together (a day late but that’s okay).

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This is the other thing I made for Daddy for Valentine’s Day.  It is one of those stained glass kits for kids.  It was fun to do.  I put pretty blue fuzzy type yarn on it, so he could hang it somewhere if he’d like.  I hope he’ll like it!

Something else I got him, that I did NOT make…

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Sure hope he decides to use it on my naughty ass!  Wonder if it will leave heart impressions???  Hope so!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!

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Deeper in Love

Falling

These last few days have been difficult for me.  I have been having some serious issues with my soon-to-be 18 year old daughter.  She has left home.  I am hurt, confused and worried.  I don’t want this post to be about that issue though.  This blog is primarily about my BDSM relationship, so I will attempt to keep it focused on that.

tutu

 

I have been concerned about the fact that because of circumstances… Daddy won’t always be able to be there for me… like a ‘normal’ boyfriend might be.  Well – this incident with my daughter, has shown me that he can and he wants to support me emotionally with things I am struggling with.  In the last couple of weeks, he has really shown an interest in becoming MORE in my life.  I am ready for that.  I want him to be.

I will write more about this later… for now, I need to head to bed.

Night all!

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