Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

30 Days of Submission/Being Little Challenge – Day ONE

Daddy4

I’ve decided to take the 30 Days of Submission Challenge Questions, (that I enjoyed following on Surrendered Heart‘s blog) and alter them a little bit for the Daddy Dom – Little dynamic.  I will alter the original Challenge Questions (which can be found HERE) to fit my own ‘type’ of submission and the DD/lg dynamic.  If you want to join me – please do so and let me know by commenting below.

Question ONE

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

My Answer

When I first became seriously involved in the BDSM world, I was very focused on finding the right label for what I was.  Over time – that label has changed and so have I.

At first, for a short time, I considered myself to be a Dom.  I liked the control it gave me over any sexual situation I would be involved in.  I had quite a few insecurities and by being the Dom and completely controlling the situation, it allowed me to hide those insecurities without admitting to them.  Claiming to be a female Dom, I had no shortage of men… who wanted and were willing for me to take control of them, in whatever way I deemed fit.  Having that control over what would and would not happen, was what I needed at the time in order to feel safe in a sexual situation.  Is that the ideal reasoning behind being a Dom?  Of course not but for a while it worked for both myself and the submissive men I was interacting with.

Eventually, I become more involved and attached to one particular submissive, who I’ll call Marc.  I found myself wanting him to, and then eventually demanding and instructing him, to overtake me at the end of the scene.  That may seem to be a contradiction but somehow we were able to easily flow into that dynamic during our interactions.  I had come to realize that being Dominant in a scene was stimulating for me but in order for me to be truly satisfied… I needed to be taken.  That is how I eventually grew to become comfortable enough sexually to allow the control to be given over to my partner and I soon adopted the label of being a Switch.

When I eventually met and became involved with a Dominant man, who I’ll call Daniel, I stubbornly held onto my Switch label.  He claimed that he was strictly Dominate and in no way would ever take a submissive role with me.  Up until this time, there had been other men that claimed to be Dom’s that I was eventually able to Dom and make them my submissive or at least have a switch dynamic with.  I did not fully believe at the time, that I wouldn’t be able to do the same with Daniel.

Internally, I felt some shame at the thought of truly being and admitting to the fact that I may be a submissive.  I had a lot of misconceptions about submission and what it truly meant and I didn’t fully understand that submission meant different things, to different people and that that fact was okay.  There was no ‘cookie cutter’ definition or ‘cookie cutter’ rules that meant you were or were not a ‘true’ submissive. 

I became more involved and closer to Daniel and eventually I began to allow him to Dominate me.  My ‘need’ and ‘desire’ to have a Dom/Switch dynamic role with Marc began to abate.  Eventually, the more I developed a Dom role with Marc, the more uncomfortable I became in that role.  I started to understand what being a Dom really meant.  The responsibility that it carried.  The strength it required.  The effort and work it demanded.  The interactions I was having with my own Dom – Daniel, was showing me things from a different perspective… I began to see out of the eyes of the submissive and the true power the Dom holds over his/her submissive.  I became unable to continue playing the Dominant role with Marc and I eventually ended our interactions.

I felt relieved to allow myself to become fully immersed and allow myself to fully explore my submissive side.  I felt that I wanted to concentrate and truly give myself over to my submissive side but at the same time… I stubbornly clutched onto the idea that I was truly a switch… I was just choosing to explore my submissive side for the moment.

To make a long story… a little shorter…

Eventually, the D/s dynamic I had with Daniel, evolved into a Daddy Dom/Little dynamic, which neither of us knew or understood even had a label.  I stumbled upon a DD/lg group on FetLife and started reading about it and I soon realized… it was the type of dynamic that Daniel and I already had… we just didn’t know it.  There was a ‘category’ that we fit into, a label for what we had and I felt so happy that I had finally found what was a more accurate label to describe what we have together.

The dynamic that I identify with is DD/lg.  It took some time and encouragement from my Daddy Dom but I have allowed my Little side to emerge and she has begun to flourish.  I feel that I am finally allowing myself to be – who I truly am.  I am a Little.

Princess and daddy

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Sub Drop?

Daddy and I spent a nice day together.  He read me books… he spanked me… and fucked me… we had lunch… I coloured a picture for him… and then he fucked me again… and then…  he had to leave.

I hate when he has to leave.  It’s not fair.  We are all cuddly together… and then BOOM he has to go… and he never leaves late.

We make and live in our own little bubble for the whole day and then when he says he has to go… I know it’s time to go back to the real world.  And sometimes… I don’t want to go back to the real world and sometimes I really don’t want to go back to the real world.

Not sure if this would technically be considered sub drop or not…

I just know it makes me feel sad.

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Daddy Bound…

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving… to stay overnight in the hotel… and then Daddy will knock on the door the following morning.

A week or so ago… Daddy and I had a conversation about the possibility of me moving closer to him and if I did what it would mean and how it would affect our current arrangement.  Don’t get me wrong… I wouldn’t be moving – just to be closer to him.  There are several reasons and my relationship with him, is just one of them.  An important one but by no means the only one.

I wanted to know, if I did make the move – would we see each other more often or would our ‘typical’ arrangement that we have now… pretty much be it.  It was an important question for me to ask, for lots of reasons.  Many years ago… I never would have asked… I wouldn’t have faced the possibility of being disappointed by his answer.

Communication.  Figuring out what it is I really want and not being afraid to ask for it.  Growth.  Progress.  Not perfection but progress.

I wasn’t disappointed with his answer.

Trust you Daddy

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Our First Anniversary

It is hard to believe that Daddy and I have been together for one year today.  One year.

Part of me feels like we’ve known each other forever.  He knows me inside and out.  He knows my heart and my soul.  He knows my good and my bad.  He doesn’t yet know all of me.  He doesn’t yet know all of my secrets… all of my transgressions… all of my awful little pieces of hidden guilt.  Not one person on earth knows all of it… well – I guess except for myself and even I hide things from my own mind sometimes.

What I can picture though… is that if there IS one person, that will eventually come to know it all – all the bad and the good… all my hidden little secrets – I can imagine it being him.  I’ve never even been able to picture that with anyone before.  Not a friend, not a boyfriend, not a husband, not a relative… nobody.  I have never truly considered it to truly even be a possibility.  But now… I believe it is possible.  Perhaps with more time.  A year is… after all… just a year.

What will I be writing next year on August 8th, 2014?  Where will I be?  Where will he be?  Where will WE be?  Time will tell.

Time will tell.

Time will tell.

 

 

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Journaling to Daddy

I came up with an idea and after speaking with Daddy about it – we are going to give it a try.  I realize that it is quite common for subs to keep journals for their Doms.  I thought that if I was to write in a journal when I felt that urge to express something to Daddy or share something with him, that it might take a bit of the distance and loneliness away and give me the opportunity to express some of the things that I want to share with him, things I am mulling over in my mind, or just those everyday type things that I don’t get the chance to share with him because of our situation.

My plan is to keep TWO journals.  That way when we do get together… we can ‘switch’… and he can read what I have written to him in the “in between times” and I will have the other journal to write in during that same ‘in between time’, so I will always have a journal to write in and he will always have a journal to read and we can switch them back and forth when we see each other.

It’s an experiment… so we’ll see if we find any benefit come out of it.

Does anybody else do anything similar with their Dom, sub, boyfriend, girlfriend…?  If so, I would love to hear how it works between you… why you started doing it and what you think you both get out of it.

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Still Feeling Sad

I’m still feeling pretty sad and a lot confused about things.

I received quite a few supportive comments on my last post…  Happy – hurt – confused.  I really appreciate the support I felt coming from my readers.  It means a lot to me.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head with the relationship I have with Daddy.  I’m confused and I’m still feeling a lot of hurt.

What is it that I feel hurt about?  I knew, from the very beginning that Daddy was married.  What I didn’t know from the beginning was how the two of us would end up feeling about one another.  I know Daddy loves me and cares for me.  I also know that he is comfortable with his ‘real life’.  Why would he give up all the stability, all that he has worked so hard for over his adult life, the mutual friends that him and his wife have together…  why would he throw all that away?  Especially when he has both of us, the way things are now.

I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful it is.  Even though I don’t expect his to leave his wife… I don’t WANT him to leave his wife for me… it still hurts.  The situation I have finally woken up and realized that I am in – hurts.  I’m mad at myself.  I walked into this mess… of my own free will.  Did I realize where things would end up? No… but am I here regardless?  Yep.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don’t know where to go from here.

Am I able to distance myself a bit… knowing and truly accepting that what we have… will always be eight hours of quality, fun, intense time together… every two weeks?  Can I allow myself to be satisfied with that?  Should I actually try to look at that as being a positive thing?  There ARE a lot of positive things about having a relationship like we do.  I get to see the best in him, every time I see him.  I get one on one – fully focused attention when I am with him.  I know a lot of couples that have nowhere near eight hours of focused time together over a two-week period.  I get to be his icing… I get to be the desired one… I get the thoughtful, romantic gestures…

I guess the real question is… is that enough?  Can that be enough for me?  Can I accept things the way they are… take what he is able to give me and know it will never be anything more than that?  That is the true question and I haven’t discovered the answer yet.

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Happy – hurt – confused?

I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.

I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?

I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.

I will never truly be a part of his life.  I will always be his secret.  I won’t ever meet his friends.  I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously.  He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.

Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life?  Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’.  Boundaries.  Protection.  But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role?  Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?

A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are?  If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway?  Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.

When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does.  He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation.  Am I trying to justify?  Rationalize?  Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t?  If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely?  Am I ignoring my inner voice?  Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have.  Am I self sabotaging?

Being in my head – isn’t always a party.

 

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What it boils down to…

I’m not worth it.

He’d rather stay comfortable, than be what I need him to be for me.

I will only ever be an ‘extra’ to him.

I will always come at least second… sometimes not even that.

I’m important to him but not that important.

I don’t think I deserve any better.

Why would he change things, if he gets to have all of it the way things are?

It’s me that is the one sacrificing… yet again.

I never learn.

 

 

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Waiting For Daddy…

I was ‘talking’ with Daddy online last night… and something he said triggered some sadness in me.  He referred to our relationship as being an ‘affair’.  I know technically that IS what it is but… I don’t really think of it that way.  At least, it’s not in the forefront of my mind as such.  I just don’t really think of it like that.  When I do, it makes me sad.

I get confused sometimes about things.  Daddy is mine but at the same time he isn’t.  Do I justify things?  Rationalize things?

After we talked, I thought more about stuff and started to feel really sad and hurt.

So… I wrote an email to him, telling him how I felt confused and I asked him a bunch of questions.

I want to know… why he stays.  I want to know… the dynamic between them.  I want to know… do they have meaningful, deep conversations?  What’s it like at their house?

I’m waiting for him to jump on the computer so we can chat about things.  Part of me wants to avoid this conversation at all costs.  Part of me wants to head to bed… take some Ativan and ‘sleep it off’…  The problem is… Daddy and I are suppose to get together this Saturday.  So… I want to try to figure things out, so that we can either have a nice time together on Saturday or cancel our plans till I feel better about things.

My heart hurts.

 

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Trax Update…

Elora - Trax on the wall

Trax hanging out in Elora.

 

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