Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Still Feeling Sad

I’m still feeling pretty sad and a lot confused about things.

I received quite a few supportive comments on my last post…  Happy – hurt – confused.  I really appreciate the support I felt coming from my readers.  It means a lot to me.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head with the relationship I have with Daddy.  I’m confused and I’m still feeling a lot of hurt.

What is it that I feel hurt about?  I knew, from the very beginning that Daddy was married.  What I didn’t know from the beginning was how the two of us would end up feeling about one another.  I know Daddy loves me and cares for me.  I also know that he is comfortable with his ‘real life’.  Why would he give up all the stability, all that he has worked so hard for over his adult life, the mutual friends that him and his wife have together…  why would he throw all that away?  Especially when he has both of us, the way things are now.

I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful it is.  Even though I don’t expect his to leave his wife… I don’t WANT him to leave his wife for me… it still hurts.  The situation I have finally woken up and realized that I am in – hurts.  I’m mad at myself.  I walked into this mess… of my own free will.  Did I realize where things would end up? No… but am I here regardless?  Yep.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don’t know where to go from here.

Am I able to distance myself a bit… knowing and truly accepting that what we have… will always be eight hours of quality, fun, intense time together… every two weeks?  Can I allow myself to be satisfied with that?  Should I actually try to look at that as being a positive thing?  There ARE a lot of positive things about having a relationship like we do.  I get to see the best in him, every time I see him.  I get one on one – fully focused attention when I am with him.  I know a lot of couples that have nowhere near eight hours of focused time together over a two-week period.  I get to be his icing… I get to be the desired one… I get the thoughtful, romantic gestures…

I guess the real question is… is that enough?  Can that be enough for me?  Can I accept things the way they are… take what he is able to give me and know it will never be anything more than that?  That is the true question and I haven’t discovered the answer yet.

21 Comments »

Happy – hurt – confused?

I’m feeling such a mix of emotions lately when it comes to my ‘relationship’.

I’m beginning to question… just how much of a ‘relationship’ is it really?

I’m feeling hurt because I’ve recognized that while Daddy cares for me and wants the best for me, when it comes right down to it – I’m always going to be limited to being a ‘small part’ of his life.

I will never truly be a part of his life.  I will always be his secret.  I won’t ever meet his friends.  I won’t ever get to call him spontaneously or see him spontaneously.  He will never be able to ‘pop over’ and check in on me, when I’m sick.

Is it fair, to allow him to be a real part of my life?  Perhaps it should always be kept ‘fun’.  Boundaries.  Protection.  But then, I question that too because why should I be ‘protecting’ myself emotionally from someone who is suppose to be taking that Daddy Dom role?  Isn’t that what a Daddy Dom should be – the one who protects… not that one I need to guard against?

A part of me questions – why can’t I just be happy with the way things are?  If I did have the opportunity of having a more traditional type of relationship with him – would it work anyway?  Perhaps I should just enjoy what we have together because it does make me happy in so many ways.

When I question things… Daddy always states that he hopes he brings me more happiness, than sadness and he does.  He does bring more happiness, than sadness but lately… I feel so hurt and so sad about the situation.  Am I trying to justify?  Rationalize?  Am I trying to make the situation okay in my head, when really it isn’t?  If it really was okay – then why do those feelings of hurt and sadness wash over me so intensely?  Am I ignoring my inner voice?  Or am I fucking up the happiness that I do have.  Am I self sabotaging?

Being in my head – isn’t always a party.

 

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Wartenberg Wheel

Mmm… Daddy and I played with a new toy today…

 

Wartenberg WheelGod… it hurt so good… I never wanted him to stop.

 

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Seeing Daddy Tomorrow!

I just checked into the hotel room and Daddy and I are emailing back and forth.

I had a stressful day and was having a hard time winding down.

Just ‘talking’ to Daddy… makes me feel calmer.

He has a way of instantly being able to put me into Little mode and the stress of the big, bad, “grownup” world seems to melt away.

He allows me to be Little and he takes care of me. 

He makes me feel safe and protected.  Cared for and loved.

He lets me be who I am.  Who I really am. 

Not only does he LET me be myself… he loves me for being ME…

I love him.

 

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Tuesday Threesome Day!

Got to love it!  Tuesday Threesome Day!

Come on… Let’s PLAY!

ONE…

Totti-bdsm--sexy-couples--Couples--Love_large

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tuesday Threesome Day

Got to love Tuesday threesome day!

One…

erotic13

Two…

Cock Worship

Three…

Pics8

Come on… Want to play?

Tuesday’s Threesome……

Post a hot threesome image or three of your favorite D/s images…

Started by:  The Bedroom Submissive

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Daddy Dom and I ‘talk’

Daddy and I spent the day together yesterday and it was wonderful and blissful and orgasmic…

During our time together, he mentioned that perhaps our next day together might be this Wednesday or Saturday… which is sooner than I would normally see him.  Lately, almost like clock work, we end up seeing one another every two weeks.

So.. we messaged back and forth tonight and he starts writing about our next day together… I’m immediately thinking he is going to say this Wednesday or Saturday… he doesn’t… he says a date two weeks down the road…  I am immediately disappointed and hurt.  Maybe I shouldn’t be… and maybe I over-react but… I decided that I was going to bring it up and discuss it with him.

So… I won’t bore you with the details… but by the end he agreed not to bring up any ‘dates’ that he wasn’t certain about and acknowledged the ‘two week’ routine, as being part of him being able to ‘cover his tracks’, so to speak.  He also said that there would be times we would see one another MORE often than that and that he planned to spend lots of time together doing stuff this summer.

By the end of it… I was pacified… still hurting a bit but… pacified.

I struggle with it sometimes.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work things out, in my own head and with him, so that we can make things work for us.  I’m learning as I go.  And irregardless of what the end game ends up being – there is at least that.

 

8 Comments »

Reconnected but confused

Reconnected… for now

The last time I blogged about my relationship, (Click to view post) I was feeling very disconnected from my Dom.  I was due to see him the next day and was feeling a lot of anxiety around how I was feeling.

Well, in he walked… coffees in hand and the ‘toy bag’ in the other.  I felt shy and disconnected from him.  I think what we SHOULD have done – was sat down and discussed that before proceeding with anything else but that’s not what happened.

Soon enough… I was starting to reconnect with him but I don’t think, even by the end of the day, that I felt like I was fully re-engaged with him.  I loved spending time with him… I always do but when I left that day… I was feeling sad, hurt, lost and shaky.  I know that I really need to explore my feelings about this, something I am not great at.

I am getting together with him again this Friday.  We will be spending the day together, as we usually do.  I think that he has recognized that there is an issue though.  He suggested a few dates of possible times to get together and it is noticeably more often than it usually is.

I know his intentions are good but I wonder if he truly has the time needed to be the Daddy Dom, I want and need him to be.  I guess, time will tell.

 

 

6 Comments »

Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

Can someone throw me some clonazepam?  diazepam?

I think I need a couple.

Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy.  This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.

Not tonight.  I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.

Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.

So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately.  Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing.  No real deep connecting.

So… I told him how I was feeling.  This is a new pattern for me.  Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.

When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty.  I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks.  I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…

On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things.  Putting me as not so much a priority as before.

I already take second place by default.

Am I now, falling further and further down the list?

Does he think I will be okay with that?  Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.

What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!

My auto default is to run.  Ignore.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Three choices.  That’s what my mind automatically falls to.

Run.

Ignore.

Pretend it’s not happening.

Trying to figure out new choices.

11 Comments »

Candid Photography – Waiting For Her

Waiting For Her

Photo by Growing Up Little

Photo by Growing Up Little

I was waiting in my car… when I noticed him…

Far up on the third floor…

Red shirt catching my eye…

He kept coming to the window… staring out… hands  on the ledge… just watching.

His view always in the same direction.

He would walk away for a few moments… perhaps 60 seconds or less… then he was back.

Same pose.  Same hands on the ledge… same view of direction….

Again, he walks away.  Moments pass… several moments.

A cat jumps up on the window sill and takes watch.

Several minutes pass.

The cat leaves but he returns.

Standing.  Watching.

Waiting for her.

She never comes.

 

 

8 Comments »