Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Daddy Doms and Littles, Some Basics

I was approached by someone kind of new to the entire Daddy Dom and Little thing, asking me some questions that I think ALOT of people have.  So… I want to share with you guys, some of what I wrote.

Disclaimer:  I’m not an expert on the DD/lg dynamic and I certainly don’t claim to be.  I don’t think anybody has the right to claim to be an expert on it (regardless of their years of experience in the lifestyle).  I’m simply expressing my own experiences and thoughts.

It is difficult to find good information online about the DD/lg dynamic.

The important thing to remember is that the information that you do find… there is no right or wrong and there is certainly no rule book out there, so please don’t let anyone tell you there is.

It’s like any other relationship… whatever happens between two consenting adults, is what happens.  What those two people deem is right for them… guess what?  It IS!  The word two is underlined for a really good reason – it isn’t about what is right for just the Dom, it’s about what is right for both of you and the two of you decide what that is.

Saying that… there certainly are common things that happen within the DD/lg dynamic but nobody should tell you… ‘you have to do this’… or ‘He has to do that’ or ‘this is the way it has to be’.

You’ll develop your own unique dynamic between the two of you.  No two relationships are exactly the same (thank goodness)!

You might try things you like, you might try things you don’t like.

It’s a changing, adapting, self-adjusting thing.

 

How do you know if He knows what He is doing?

Some good things to think about:

  1. Is He experienced with the lifestyle and if so, what did his last relationship look like?  How did it end?  The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour.
  2. Does He try to tell you… it ‘has to be’ this way… or it ‘has to be’ that way?  If so… big red flag.
  3. Daddy Doms tend to be very nurturing and they often Dominate in a gentler way than your “typical” Dominant.
  4. Does he set a good example in his own life?  Is he in control of his own emotions?  If a Dom can’t control his OWN emotions and his OWN life… what makes you think he should have any business in controlling YOU?  A Daddy Dom should be a good example.  He should be someone who lives his life in a way that you can look up to.  How could you possibly trust him and place yourself, your safety and your well-being in his hands… if he can’t even control himself and his own life?
  5. Daddy Doms aren’t perfect and they shouldn’t pretend to be.  If He claims to be the ‘master’ Daddy Dom – believe me, he isn’t.
  6. What is his motivation?  My Daddy Dom helps me – be me.  He encourages me and helps me constructively.  Daddy does what is best for me.  He always puts my best interests – first.
  7. Do you trust him?  If you don’t – big red flag – rethink putting yourself in his hands.
  8. Can you talk openly and honestly with him?  When you do talk with him, do you truly feel heard?  Healthy communication in a DD/lg relationship is essential.  I believe that having healthy communication in a BDSM relationship is even MORE important than in a ‘regular’ relationship.
  9. Respect is earned, not demanded.  I respect, admire and worship my Daddy because I look up to him, I feel respected by him, I trust him and I adore him.  I could never ‘worship’ someone, who tried to demand ‘worship’ from me.

 

What sorts of rights does a Little have?

Everything you do with your Daddy Dom… should absolutely be 100% consensual.  If it isn’t… it’s abuse.

There are Daddy Dom’s out there… that abuse women, under the guise of being a Dominant.  ‘Newbies’ are particularly vulnerable and guess what?  These abusers and rapists know it and they specifically prey on them.  It’s important to be aware of that.  Many women have been seriously hurt… physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually by abusers and rapists that claim to be Doms.

Pay attention to your intuition.  Go with your gut.

My Daddy Dom ‘reads me’.  He pays close attention to everything I do.  The way I’m reacting to him… the way I’m breathing, the way I’m moving… if I’m tensing up… if I’m relaxed… the look in my eyes… my body language… all of those things.  He knows me.  That’s a Daddy Dom’s job – to know his Little.  If a Daddy Dom isn’t paying attention like that… big red flag.

You should have a safe word and even a safe signal because a Little can get so deeply into the subzone… that they become non-verbal… unable to even say the safe word.  HE should be the one insisting you have a safe word.  After all… your Daddy Dom is responsible for your well-being and safety during ‘play’… if he isn’t concerned about you having a way to show or tell him that you REALLY mean NO… again – big red flag.

I’ve been with my Daddy for about a year and a half… I have never even come close to feeling the need to use my safe word with him.  Hopefully that will be your experience too.

 

Ultimately… whatever happens between the two of you… should be for your enjoyment (even if that enjoyment is pain!).  The things you do with him and the way you interact with him… should be a positive experience.  It should feel good.  If it doesn’t… there’s a problem.  Don’t ignore it.  Listen to what your heart and gut is saying.

 

Something I would really recommend.. join FetLife.  They have groups specifically for Littles, Daddy Doms and the DD/lg dynamic… (as well as a ton of other BDSM related ‘labels’).  These groups post and discuss common issues… common problems… common concerns that come up.  You can ‘meet’ others and talk with others online (if you want to), that share similar interests and you’ll learn a lot from them.  Again… get a wide range of perspectives… no one person is ‘RIGHT’ or doing things the ‘RIGHT’ way.  Reaching out to others in that way… I believe is important.  Your Daddy Dom… shouldn’t be your only link and communication when it comes to things.  He should be encouraging you to reach out to others.  Again… if he doesn’t, big red flag.  I would really encourage you to talk not only to those in a DD/lg relationship but talk to other ‘newbies’ too!  I love talking about the dynamic and I find that some of the greatest stuff comes from talking with others about their experiences, perspectives and opinions.

Oh and just a note… FetLife is free.  There is a section (pictures, videos etc) that if you want to have a ton of access to… you do need to pay for but the site is awesome even if you decide you don’t want to pay a cent.  You can join all the groups you want… set up a profile… post stuff… message people… all that is free.

 

A lot of what BDSM is about… is in your head.  I truly believe that the vast majority of those into BDSM are what I refer to as ‘real thinkers’.  It’s a lot about what’s going on in your mind… way more than what is simply happening with your body.

Welcome to the journey!

 

 

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Wartenberg Wheel

Mmm… Daddy and I played with a new toy today…

 

Wartenberg WheelGod… it hurt so good… I never wanted him to stop.

 

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Tuesday Threesome Day!

Got to love it!  Tuesday Threesome Day!

Come on… Let’s PLAY!

ONE…

Totti-bdsm--sexy-couples--Couples--Love_large

Read the rest of this entry »

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Daddy Dom and I ‘talk’

Daddy and I spent the day together yesterday and it was wonderful and blissful and orgasmic…

During our time together, he mentioned that perhaps our next day together might be this Wednesday or Saturday… which is sooner than I would normally see him.  Lately, almost like clock work, we end up seeing one another every two weeks.

So.. we messaged back and forth tonight and he starts writing about our next day together… I’m immediately thinking he is going to say this Wednesday or Saturday… he doesn’t… he says a date two weeks down the road…  I am immediately disappointed and hurt.  Maybe I shouldn’t be… and maybe I over-react but… I decided that I was going to bring it up and discuss it with him.

So… I won’t bore you with the details… but by the end he agreed not to bring up any ‘dates’ that he wasn’t certain about and acknowledged the ‘two week’ routine, as being part of him being able to ‘cover his tracks’, so to speak.  He also said that there would be times we would see one another MORE often than that and that he planned to spend lots of time together doing stuff this summer.

By the end of it… I was pacified… still hurting a bit but… pacified.

I struggle with it sometimes.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work things out, in my own head and with him, so that we can make things work for us.  I’m learning as I go.  And irregardless of what the end game ends up being – there is at least that.

 

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Feeling More Than A Little Neurotic…

Can someone throw me some clonazepam?  diazepam?

I think I need a couple.

Tomorrow I am seeing Daddy.  This is usually my super excited… waiting in anticipation… giddy with excitement time.

Not tonight.  I feel confused and sad and a little worried about tomorrow.

Daddy has had a super busy time lately and we haven’t had our usual chats over MSN or by text.

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from him.

So… we were texting tonight… and I had a feeling it was going to be another one of those really short convo’s, that we have usually been having lately.  Not really a convo… more of a touch base, say hey, that sort of thing.  No real deep connecting.

So… I told him how I was feeling.  This is a new pattern for me.  Usually I would never have said anything and just ignored how I was feeling.

When I did tell him… as soon as the words were sent out… I immediately felt guilty.  I know he’s been having a busy, busy few weeks.  I know he has lots of stuff on the go and he’s trying hard to do so many things…

On the flip side though… I am worried that he’s starting to take advantage of things.  Putting me as not so much a priority as before.

I already take second place by default.

Am I now, falling further and further down the list?

Does he think I will be okay with that?  Does he think he gets to have me, without making an effort?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t know the real reasons behind these feelings that are surfacing.

What I need to do is fucking journal about it… but I left my journal at home… which is one reason why I’m writing all this on here!

My auto default is to run.  Ignore.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Three choices.  That’s what my mind automatically falls to.

Run.

Ignore.

Pretend it’s not happening.

Trying to figure out new choices.

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Crossing that line…

Safest Road To Hell…

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I recently read an article in Reader’s Digest about how our instincts can fail us.  The article described five different ways that our natural instincts can be harmful, even lethal.  They were described as:

  1. The Domino Effect
  2. Double or Nothing
  3. Situational Blindness
  4. Bending the Map
  5. Redlining

The one that provoked the most thought for me was redlining.  Two examples to illustrate what redlining is:

  1. A scuba diver sees an interesting wreck just beyond the limit of their dive tables.
  2. A mountain climber goes beyond their turnaround time, wanting to reach the summit.

When a situation requires a safety parameter, people will be tempted to overstep it.  It is very easy for a person to think, I’ll just go over the red line a little bit.  No big deal.  Of course, very often, a little bit becomes a little bit more and then just a little bit more and eventually you realize you have gone too far but by that time, it may already be too late.  You have ‘little bitted’ your way into that danger zone, the point of no return.

That’s the danger of crossing the red line.  Once you have crossed it, there may be no other cues to remind you that you are headed in the wrong direction.  There isn’t anything calling you back to the safe side.

This got me thinking.  How often have I ‘redlined’ myself into trouble or unhealthy situations?  How often have I sworn to myself… “just a little bit” and then later on, some time down the road, I turn back around, quite startled and ask myself;  “Whoa… wait a second, how the hell did I ever end up here?”

I’m not necessarily talking about crossing physical red lines or physical safety parameters (although that has also happened) but crossing my own bottom lines, allowing my boundaries to be crossed, allowing myself to cross my moral and ethical red lines.  It is the “just a little bit” thinking that leads me into real trouble.  I should take a step back from those red lines and realize that.  I need to be aware when I am tempted to redline and recognize the true danger I put myself in, if I do ultimately decide to cross it.  Lessons learned.

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Above photo credited to:  filchist on flickr.

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10 Day Challenge – Day Nine

Day Nine

Two images that describe your life right now and why.

 

Little me lights

Wow… look at this picture I found on Google images.  This is a great representation of what has been going on with me in the last little while.

My inner Little, discovering her and letting her shine and come out of the darkness.

Daddy there… in the background… watching but allowing me space to learn and grow on my own too, while watching to ensure that I’m safe.

Daddy is sort of there… but not.  Not always immediately available.  On the outskirts…  Most of the time being more than an arms length away.

Great representation of what is going on with me right now!  I’m so glad I found it!

 

 

 

 

free This picture represents my sense on inner freedom that I have been earning for myself lately.  The more I explore… the more I come to accept myself and what I want… the more I learn to set boundaries in a healthy way… the more joy I feel inside.  It is hard to explain how much inner freedom I am gaining, by allowing my sexuality to express itself in the way it has always wanted to.  I’ve done a lot of work in the last year.  I’m proud with how far I have come.  Bubbles are so joy inducing for me!

 

 

 

 

 

WANT TO PLAY?

If you do…

You can opt to go back to Day One of the Challenge

OR just do today’s challenge if you like!

Write your own post and then place a link to it in the comments section below…

That way – everybody else can check it out too! 

Thanks for playing and remember… come back for Day Ten!

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10 Day Challenge – Day Five

Day Five

Six things you wish you’d never done.

Okay… this is a hard one.  First of all, I believe everything happens for a reason.  So… it is hard to ‘wish’ that something I did, didn’t happen because I don’t know how that would ultimately affect the rest of my life and if that result would actually be a better thing or not.  With that said… the six things listed below are things that I would classify as ‘negative or conflicting things I have done’ that have caused me to wonder how things might have turned out, if I hadn’t done them.

  1. Married my ex-husband.
  2. Been promiscuous as a teenager.
  3. Terminated a pregnancy when I was 17.
  4. Become addicted to prescription medications.
  5. Continued to communicate with my ex-husband for as long as I did.
  6.  Not gone ahead with a restraining order against my ex-husband.

 

WANT TO PLAY?

If you do…

You can opt to go back to Day One of the Challenge

OR just do today’s challenge if you like!

Write your own post and then place a link to it in the comments section below…

That way – everybody else can check it out too! 

Thanks for playing and remember… come back for Day Six!

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Ode to Fat Bodies

Ode to Fat Bodies

Images/writing below from:  The Nearsighted Owl  (check her blog out… she’s fatastic!)

fat pride 2

To the riot grrrls, divas, fierce fatties, chubby bunnies and fatshionistas

Performers, activists, artists, writers, radical babes and fat bitches
With rolls in different places and all over
Generous thighs, double-chins
And bellies that don’t make apologizes
We have dimples for miles
Cellulite is our badge of fat girl power
Member card for the pudding club
 
We fight, scream, pose, paint, write and sing
Strut, fuck, dance and create
 
 
To the riot grrrls, divas, fierce fatties, chubby bunnies and fatshionistas
Performers, activists, artists, writers, radical babes and fat bitches
We are the fat movement
fat pride 3
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Questioning Myself…

For the last week or so… I have really be questioning myself…  I am starting to wonder just how ‘adult’ I actually am.  Up until quite recently – I have suppressed my Little side.

I have ‘acted’ like an adult and I thought I was doing a damn good job of it.  I think by all appearances… I am doing a good job.  I function pretty well in an adult world and I am technically doing it on my own (no spouse).  However, now that I am allowing my Little side to emerge, I have been realizing the contrast… between Little and Adult.  What I am starting to realize is… I don’t think I’m actually as grown up as I once thought.

Daddy and how he handles things… is very adult.  The things he is ‘helping’ me with… are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my own.  Simple things, like making a bedtime and taking my vitamins.  It’s not rocket science – it’s responsiblity for yourself.  If Daddy isn’t there making sure I do those things… I know I wouldn’t be doing them.

Another aspect of this I have also been pondering… is my emotional maturity.  That is where I think I am most lacking.  I don’t handle my feelings well.  I don’t rage or take temper tantrums… it’s not overly obvious that I have difficulty with emotions… which is likely why I have been getting away with doing it for so long.  The problem is… I don’t deal with my emotions well, which causes me physical harm (health issues, migraines etc), as well as emotional harm to myself (depression, irritability etc).

Not being a fully functioning adult, must also affect my daughter in certain ways as well.  Children learn from what they see – not from what they are told.  Is it any wonder that my daughter is having a difficult time dealing with her emotions in a healthy way?  I haven’t modelled that behaviour for her.

So – where to go from here?

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and allowing it a place to grow, will actually end up helping my adult side grow as well.

I question if allowing my Little side to emerge and blossom… is actually reinforcing NOT being an adult and NOT learning to handle things in a more adult way.

I question myself – perhaps I am being too hard on myself.

I question if I am lacking…  if I am ‘less than’ because I am actually not a fully functioning, well-adjusted adult (although appearances may deceive).

I question if perhaps I don’t actually deceive and play the role of an adult, as well as I think I do.  Perhaps some people are on to me and have been for a while, I just haven’t realized or acknowledged it.

These are the things I have been wondering about lately.

Growing Up Little indeed.

 

 

 

 

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