Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Insecure

A lot has been happening. Daddy is taking steps to leave his wife. He is preparing himself. I know he is going through a lot emotionally and that after so many years of being married – it is going to be difficult.

Just in the last week or so… I have been feeling insecure. Things just seem ‘off’ and I can’t pinpoint where those feelings are coming from.

Part of me, feels guilty. Strangely, for the first time since I knowingly became involved with a married man. I think it’s because before things had been running as normal between the two of them, what she didn’t know, wasn’t hurting her. Now… he is acting differently at home. I think he is starting to emotionally distance himself from her. They have been fighting. It’s the first time when I’ve really felt badly for the role I’ve played in disturbing their marriage and swirling up the dirt and debris that had numbed and been covering up their issues and problems. Saying that – I know that I am not responsible. He is. The state of their marriage – has nothing to do with me.

I know I’m not explaining how things are right now very well and all the background about what’s been going on… so I ask for patience.

I’m feeling confused and insecure. Unsure of myself and unsure of my relationship and I can’t really put a reason on it. Which must sound awfully weird to people reading this but it’s true.
Part of me – wants to talk to Daddy about it. Let him know where I’m at. I know that’s what I should do. It’s always best to communicate openly and honestly.

I’m feeling lost.

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Some Serious Discussions

So… since I had my self-realization last week, triggered by pancake day (of all things)… (read the post Pancakes and Adultery HERE)  I have done a lot of serious thinking and self-exploration.  What I’ve realized in the last few days is that if I could have things happen exactly the way I’d want them to, it would look something like this:

Daddy would realize that as much as he cares and even loves his wife, that his marriage is one more of companionship to each other.  That he is unable to be his real self with her – sexually and otherwise and he would realize that true intimacy requires that you be able to be your real self.  Not only that but accepted, loved and adored for being your real self.  He would decide to leave or separate from her.  That he would still live in the same general area that he does now and that we’d start having more of a “real”, committed relationship.  I’m not talking about us moving in together or anything like that, I mean I would hope that we would eventually want to, after we adjusted to having more of a ‘real’ relationship.  I realize that things between us, wouldn’t always be perfect and that we would start discovering things about one another, that we didn’t know.  We would just be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with one another.  One where we could talk to one another on the phone – whenever we felt like it.  One where I could spend time with him at his house… sleep in his bed… wakeup beside him in the morning and yes – even make heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips together.  He could read me bedtime stories and he’d be there to hold me when we slept.  We would grow and blossom together.

I expressed these thoughts to Daddy and asked him – is that totally unrealistic?

He said no… it wasn’t unrealistic.  He told me he had a lot of thinking to do and I totally respect that.  I realize that it’s not going to be as simple as a yes or no answer and that he wouldn’t be able to just decide something like that overnight. It’s a lot to think about… and there is a lot to consider.

Will write more on this in the near future.

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Pancakes and Adultery…

I was driving home from work yesterday afternoon and I was thinking about the fact that it was pancake Tuesday.  I thought about how it would be so nice if Daddy and I could have made pancakes together.  I started picturing it in my head…  I could have added raspberries and chocolate chips to mine and Daddy could have added something Daddy-like to his.  We could have poured them into heart shaped cookie cutters or moulds and just had a really simple but really sweet time together.  And imagining that and thinking those thoughts made me really happy…  I was literally smiling, driving along, thinking about it.

But then… it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started wondering if maybe he WAS having pancakes, just not with me.  And I started thinking about all those little, domestic type of things that we don’t share together and likely never will.  I started thinking about the fact that not only do we not share them together but he shares all those types of things with someone else – his wife.  And as those thoughts started tumbling in, it made me feel not only jealous but sad and even a little mad.

It might sound strange but the fact that he has a wife – is not something I normally think about very much.  I know the situation and have always known the situation from the very beginning but I just don’t normally think or dwell on the fact that he goes home every night and has dinner with his wife.  He watches TV with her.  He likely walks the dogs with her.  He does all those sorts of things, those everyday type of things, with her.  I know that they don’t sleep together – in both the physical sense (they have separate bedrooms) and the sexual sense and that they haven’t in many, many years.  But I wonder… does he kiss her hello?  Does he kiss her goodbye?  Does his kiss her goodnight?  Likely.

I try to tell myself – it doesn’t really matter.  I wouldn’t want to be with him (or anyone) 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I tell myself that I like my alone time.  I like my freedom.  I like not being obligated to anyone else.  I tell myself that I get all the best parts of him and his wife gets all the mundane and not so fun parts… all the hassles of everyday life with someone.  She gets to pick up his laundry off the floor, clean his dirty dishes, get annoyed with toilet seats that are left up, deal with him when he is sick, all those sorts of ‘not so fun’ things.  I tell myself – that when we DO get together – I have his full attention – 100 percent.  Our time is limited but it’s super concentrated, quality time.  I try to soothe myself with those types of thoughts and tell myself that it doesn’t really matter that he is married to someone else.  But I think I’m starting to face the fact… that it does actually matter.  It matters because he chooses to share the vast majority of his life, his being, with somebody else.  That’s why it matters.

Last night he said that he ‘shares as much with me as he can at this time’.  But in reality… he shares as much as he WANTS to share and CHOOSES to share.  He chooses things to be like this.  He chooses not to be with ME.  He chooses to make me second best and second priority and I let him and tell myself it doesn’t really matter.

It’s confusing because we don’t treat our relationship like it’s ‘just for fun’… we treat our relationship as much more than that.  I don’t think either of us really expected things to have developed between us the way that they did and now that they have – where does it leave us?  It’s been almost two years ago since we started to talk to one another and it’s been about a year and half that we have been ‘dating’ and intimately involved.

As much as I don’t want to think about it and as much as I would like to convince myself once again, that it doesn’t really matter and that I should just enjoy what we DO share with one another and not worry about what we don’t… I’m not sure if I can go back into thinking that way.  It hurts and it’s there – just under the surface and the more I think about it – the more I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.

I deserve someone that is mine.  I deserve someone who is willing and able to share himself with me and only me.  Don’t I?  Or am I throwing all the good things that we share between us out… just because I can’t have it ALL.  I can’t have EVERYTHING.  Am I throwing out the baby with the bathwater?  Should I just appreciate the fun times we do have?  Because the time we do get to spend with one another – is magical and loving and joyful.  It truly is.

What do you guys think… I would love to hear readers opinions on this, especially if you have experienced something similar – no matter what side of the fence you are/were on (the wife, the mistress, the husband, the cheater, the one being cheated on)… I’m looking for no bullshit, honest, open, yet respectful opinions on the situation… those will be gratefully appreciated…

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It’s Starting To Feel…

A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!

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Here I am… almost ready for bed… excited for all that tomorrow brings.

Daddy will arrive around 9 a.m., coffee and toy bag in hand.  I can’t wait to sink into his arms and feel that immediate protection and feeling of being safe.  I always drop into feeling Little, as soon as Daddy puts his arms around me.  All my worries and stress melt away.  It’s like the ‘real world’ disappears while we are together.  It is so freeing and relaxing being with him.

I have so many surprises to show him!  I bought a Gingerbread Train Kit for us to make together, Santa hats for both of us, Christmas cookies…  and lots more fun stuff.

I can’t wait for him to open his Christmas gift.  It is a Daddy watch.  Daddy loves watches and has many.  He loves the look of Diesel watches, so keeping to tradition (I also bought him one last year), there is a Diesel watch all wrapped up, waiting for him.

I also got him a little stocking embroidered with the words “Santa, I can explain.”  I thought it was fitting!

Better head to bed.  I’m going to need a good night’s sleep!!!

Night all!

 

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Daddy Doms and Littles, Some Basics

I was approached by someone kind of new to the entire Daddy Dom and Little thing, asking me some questions that I think ALOT of people have.  So… I want to share with you guys, some of what I wrote.

Disclaimer:  I’m not an expert on the DD/lg dynamic and I certainly don’t claim to be.  I don’t think anybody has the right to claim to be an expert on it (regardless of their years of experience in the lifestyle).  I’m simply expressing my own experiences and thoughts.

It is difficult to find good information online about the DD/lg dynamic.

The important thing to remember is that the information that you do find… there is no right or wrong and there is certainly no rule book out there, so please don’t let anyone tell you there is.

It’s like any other relationship… whatever happens between two consenting adults, is what happens.  What those two people deem is right for them… guess what?  It IS!  The word two is underlined for a really good reason – it isn’t about what is right for just the Dom, it’s about what is right for both of you and the two of you decide what that is.

Saying that… there certainly are common things that happen within the DD/lg dynamic but nobody should tell you… ‘you have to do this’… or ‘He has to do that’ or ‘this is the way it has to be’.

You’ll develop your own unique dynamic between the two of you.  No two relationships are exactly the same (thank goodness)!

You might try things you like, you might try things you don’t like.

It’s a changing, adapting, self-adjusting thing.

 

How do you know if He knows what He is doing?

Some good things to think about:

  1. Is He experienced with the lifestyle and if so, what did his last relationship look like?  How did it end?  The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour.
  2. Does He try to tell you… it ‘has to be’ this way… or it ‘has to be’ that way?  If so… big red flag.
  3. Daddy Doms tend to be very nurturing and they often Dominate in a gentler way than your “typical” Dominant.
  4. Does he set a good example in his own life?  Is he in control of his own emotions?  If a Dom can’t control his OWN emotions and his OWN life… what makes you think he should have any business in controlling YOU?  A Daddy Dom should be a good example.  He should be someone who lives his life in a way that you can look up to.  How could you possibly trust him and place yourself, your safety and your well-being in his hands… if he can’t even control himself and his own life?
  5. Daddy Doms aren’t perfect and they shouldn’t pretend to be.  If He claims to be the ‘master’ Daddy Dom – believe me, he isn’t.
  6. What is his motivation?  My Daddy Dom helps me – be me.  He encourages me and helps me constructively.  Daddy does what is best for me.  He always puts my best interests – first.
  7. Do you trust him?  If you don’t – big red flag – rethink putting yourself in his hands.
  8. Can you talk openly and honestly with him?  When you do talk with him, do you truly feel heard?  Healthy communication in a DD/lg relationship is essential.  I believe that having healthy communication in a BDSM relationship is even MORE important than in a ‘regular’ relationship.
  9. Respect is earned, not demanded.  I respect, admire and worship my Daddy because I look up to him, I feel respected by him, I trust him and I adore him.  I could never ‘worship’ someone, who tried to demand ‘worship’ from me.

 

What sorts of rights does a Little have?

Everything you do with your Daddy Dom… should absolutely be 100% consensual.  If it isn’t… it’s abuse.

There are Daddy Dom’s out there… that abuse women, under the guise of being a Dominant.  ‘Newbies’ are particularly vulnerable and guess what?  These abusers and rapists know it and they specifically prey on them.  It’s important to be aware of that.  Many women have been seriously hurt… physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually by abusers and rapists that claim to be Doms.

Pay attention to your intuition.  Go with your gut.

My Daddy Dom ‘reads me’.  He pays close attention to everything I do.  The way I’m reacting to him… the way I’m breathing, the way I’m moving… if I’m tensing up… if I’m relaxed… the look in my eyes… my body language… all of those things.  He knows me.  That’s a Daddy Dom’s job – to know his Little.  If a Daddy Dom isn’t paying attention like that… big red flag.

You should have a safe word and even a safe signal because a Little can get so deeply into the subzone… that they become non-verbal… unable to even say the safe word.  HE should be the one insisting you have a safe word.  After all… your Daddy Dom is responsible for your well-being and safety during ‘play’… if he isn’t concerned about you having a way to show or tell him that you REALLY mean NO… again – big red flag.

I’ve been with my Daddy for about a year and a half… I have never even come close to feeling the need to use my safe word with him.  Hopefully that will be your experience too.

 

Ultimately… whatever happens between the two of you… should be for your enjoyment (even if that enjoyment is pain!).  The things you do with him and the way you interact with him… should be a positive experience.  It should feel good.  If it doesn’t… there’s a problem.  Don’t ignore it.  Listen to what your heart and gut is saying.

 

Something I would really recommend.. join FetLife.  They have groups specifically for Littles, Daddy Doms and the DD/lg dynamic… (as well as a ton of other BDSM related ‘labels’).  These groups post and discuss common issues… common problems… common concerns that come up.  You can ‘meet’ others and talk with others online (if you want to), that share similar interests and you’ll learn a lot from them.  Again… get a wide range of perspectives… no one person is ‘RIGHT’ or doing things the ‘RIGHT’ way.  Reaching out to others in that way… I believe is important.  Your Daddy Dom… shouldn’t be your only link and communication when it comes to things.  He should be encouraging you to reach out to others.  Again… if he doesn’t, big red flag.  I would really encourage you to talk not only to those in a DD/lg relationship but talk to other ‘newbies’ too!  I love talking about the dynamic and I find that some of the greatest stuff comes from talking with others about their experiences, perspectives and opinions.

Oh and just a note… FetLife is free.  There is a section (pictures, videos etc) that if you want to have a ton of access to… you do need to pay for but the site is awesome even if you decide you don’t want to pay a cent.  You can join all the groups you want… set up a profile… post stuff… message people… all that is free.

 

A lot of what BDSM is about… is in your head.  I truly believe that the vast majority of those into BDSM are what I refer to as ‘real thinkers’.  It’s a lot about what’s going on in your mind… way more than what is simply happening with your body.

Welcome to the journey!

 

 

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30 Days of Submission/Being Little Challenge – Day THREE

Daddy4

I’ve decided to take the 30 Days of Submission Challenge Questions, (that I enjoyed following on Surrendered Heart‘s blog) and alter them a little bit for the Daddy Dom – Little dynamic.  I will alter the original Challenge Questions (which can be found HERE) to fit my own ‘type’ of submission and the DD/lg dynamic.  If you want to join me – please do so and let me know by commenting below.

Question THREE

How do you know you are a Little or have the potential to be a Little?  How do you feel when you express yourself being a Little?

My Answer

I know that I am a Little now, after having developed a D/s relationship with my boyfriend.  I was looking around FetLife and stumbled upon some information regarding the DD/lg dynamic.  The more I read about it… the more I recognized characteristics that described the dynamic that we currently already had.  Once we started exploring the dynamic and realizing that it had a name… it opened up an entire new world for the both of us and gave us the emotional freedom to explore even more into the dynamic.  The more we explored, the more it felt right for us.

When I get to feel Little, I feel a sense of freedom.  It’s who I truly am.  Saying that… I am very vulnerable allowing myself to be Little but Daddy being there to protect me and watch over me, as I enter into my Little world, makes all the difference.  He encourages me and that gives me the strength to explore this part of myself that I feel shy revealing.  He accepts me for who I am.  My Little side and my adult side.  He accepts me for me and that is something I’ve never truly had in a previous relationship.  I feel like I can tell my Daddy anything, without the fear that he will reject me or think that I’m weird.  That is a gift.  That unconditional acceptance is so important and I think that so few people actually have that.  I am so grateful that I do.  My Daddy is ready to protect me, to nurture me, to guide and to lead me.  He enjoys being needed and looked up to and I need someone worthy of being looked up to and he fits the bill.  I admire so many things about him.  There are many ways I wish I was like him.  I admire his strength, his ability to look ahead, his ability to delay satisfaction… all those things that I’m not good at.  He helps me see how those things actually work and I can actually see the benefit of doing those things.  And that they are truly worth doing and striving for.  He is my hero… my mentor… my leader.  I trust him to not disappoint me.  To not let me down.  He loves me for who I am and I love him because he loves me regardless of all my shortcomings, regardless of the huge distance I have yet to grow.  He sees my potential and believes in me.  And that is truly beautiful.

Thank you Daddy.

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Sometimes…

Please... tuck me in Daddy...

Please… tuck me in Daddy…

 

Daddy…
Sometimes I wish we could be together and we could do special things that seem like regular things…
Sometimes I wish you could help pick out my cereal in the morning and pick out the clothes I would wear during the day…
I wish we could snuggle on the couch together… Watch a movie together and eat popcorn…
I wish we could have a shower together and you could wash my hair and wash my body… Even my private parts….
I wish you could help pick out my jammies and pull them over my head…
I wish you would remind me to go pee before bed… And brush my teeth like a good girl.
I wish you could tuck me under the covers…
Make sure that I had a glass of water on the night stand…
And read me a book or two before lights out…
You would always make sure my night light worked…
I wish Daddy would play with me before bed and allow me to worship him and be his good girl before kissing me on the forehead… And saying night night little one…
Sometimes its the day to day stuff I long for and wish for most…
Sometimes it makes me sad thinking about that and all I want is my Daddy to put his arms around me and tell me, it will be okay… He’ll make everything better.

 

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30 Days of Submission/Being Little Challenge – Day TWO

Daddy4

I’ve decided to take the 30 Days of Submission Challenge Questions, (that I enjoyed following on Surrendered Heart‘s blog) and alter them a little bit for the Daddy Dom – Little dynamic.  I will alter the original Challenge Questions (which can be found HERE) to fit my own ‘type’ of submission and the DD/lg dynamic.  If you want to join me – please do so and let me know by commenting below.

Question TWO

Describe who you might reveal your Little side to and how. Do you allow your Little side to emerge only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Do you reveal your Little side to play partners, family, friends or only in the context of a relationship?

My Answer

Of course, I feel most comfortable revealing my Little side to Daddy.  He has really encouraged me and allowed me to feel safe enough with him to really allow ‘adult’ me to fall away and allow ‘Little’ me to come out, play and shine.  There is a very special intimacy involved in doing that.  Since I have allowed my Little side to come out with Daddy – I find that it is easier to allow it to ‘slip out’ in front of those that I normally would hold back on.

My Little side only emerges to those that I feel relatively safe and loved by.  However, that doesn’t always mean that the other person, accepts my Little side with open arms.

For example, my daughter, notices when my Little side emerges and she is quite vocal about NOT liking it.  I can understand that my 18 year old daughter wants and needs me to be in my adult role.  I wish she could also appreciate the Little side of me too but for now anyway I will continue to attempt to repress my Little side when I am with her.  She is after all, entitled to a parent.

My sister is someone that I can reveal my Little side to.  She has commented and discussed with me, that she notices this ‘child-like’ aura around me at times and she has said it is a beautiful thing to feel and to watch.  She says she envies me for being able to see the world like that.  I have not admitted to her or come out to her yet as being a ‘Little’, so although she may not have the ‘label’ for it, she is aware that I have this side to me and seems to accept and even like it.

As for others, I think some people might think and recognize that I am a little ‘quirky’ at times or describe it as ‘playful’ or ‘silly’.  I think for some, it is enough to peek their curiosity but not enough to really ponder it, place a finger on it and figure it out.

And I’m okay with that.

 

Hide and Seek... some can see me and some... don't.

Hide and Seek… some can see me and some… don’t.

 

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Daddy Leaves To His Normal

We spent the day together.

He walked out the door, just a few minutes ago and here I am, as always, feeling sad.  The ‘drop’ isn’t as bad, as it has been in the past but I still always feel sad when he has to go and I hate the feeling I get… that clinginess… that is so unlike me.  It’s not my ‘usual’ behaviour at all but spending all day with him, being my Little self… when the end of the day comes… reality comes back and I just want to postpone it for just a moment and then another and another.

Daddy says, he too feels sad sometimes… having to go back to his ‘normal’… but I think he does it better than I do.

I didn’t tell him that I finally got the news about that job I interviewed for… and desperately wanted.  I was informed yesterday – I didn’t get it.  I’m so sad and disappointed about it.  I haven’t really told anybody except my best friend.  I was going to tell Daddy last night online but he didn’t have time for a chat… only popped on to confirm our plans, as he had company he had to attend to.  I didn’t want to bring it up today with him because I didn’t want to put a damper on our day.  I just wanted to enjoy being with him – and I did.

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He read stories to me and we cuddled.  Soon after that… he turned me over on my stomach, took off my pajama pants, blindfolded me, wrapped a belt around my knees and bondage taped my ankles together.  He then took the Wartenberg wheel and ran it over my back, over my ass, over the back of my legs… talking to me all the time.  He placed lit tea light type candles on my ass… let the wax melt and then poured it into the grove of back… letting the wax run and burn my skin.  He did this over and over again.  The wax felt so hot today…  I squirmed to no avail.  He then used the knife and ran it over my back… digging the tip of the blade into my skin.  Running the knife over my back, my ass, the inside of my legs and the back of my legs.  Glorious pain.  Squirming and moaning… sucking in breath… trying to regulate my breathing to control and manage the pain.  I fall into blankness.  That wonderful sense of “being gone”… that feeling that I desire so much.  I’m not really here anymore.  He gives me that and I love him for it.

After the pain, he allows me to breath and relax for a few moments… before he undoes the belt around my knees and uses the knife to cut off the bondage tape.  I feel him hard against my ass.  He allows me to put pillows under my stomach… and he enters me.  Oh… I love when he is back inside of me… where he belongs.  Where I feel like he is finally back ‘home’.  He moves inside of me… sometimes deeply… sometimes barely inside… teasing me… making me moan for more.  He hovers outside of me… and says… “You’ll be a good girl for Daddy this week, won’t you baby.”  I nod.  Louder, he says… “You’ll be a good girl won’t you… answer yes Daddy”… and I do.  “Yes Daddy I’ll be good”.  He thrusts himself deeply inside me and I cry out.  God it feels so good.  He does this over and over again and when he eventually pulls out… it’s not over.  He grabs the Hitachi beside the bed… puts it on me… and drives me to orgasm by simply saying… “Do you want to come for your Daddy?”  The words aren’t even out of his mouth before I moan “Yes Daddy” and start doing just that.  He enters me again… fucking me hard… making me moan and cry out for him… till I eventually feel him come to climax.  I love feeling him… spurting inside of me… twitching and feeling his warmth.  He stays inside me… running his hands over my body, then slips out of me and lies beside me.  I immediately turn into him and fall into his arms and lay my head on his chest.

Daddy – I want you to stay here… beside me… listen to the wind howling outside… the leaves hitting the window… the rain falling.  Let it just be us.  Make the outside world stay away.  Protect me and keep me safe, here with you, forever.

But it can’t be.

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We spend the rest of day… having lunch, cuddling, talking… Later in the afternoon, back in bed… I want to take him in my mouth and worship him.  I kiss his cock… lightly with baby kisses… running my tongue down the length of his shaft and then back up… putting the head in my mouth… running my tongue under the rim of him… before I take him all the way inside my mouth.  Deep at the back of my throat… feeling the head of him touching me back there…. Over and over again.  He cums… and I don’t swallow him as I usually do.  I let it run back down his cock… and then run the head of him… over my lips, my chin, my face… feeling the slippery cum on his cock… on my lips, on my face.  Warm.

I’m surprised to hear what time is.  Sad, I know we don’t have long left.  I cuddle into him, not wanting him to leave.  I hate this part and it always comes.  It always has to.  I know what his leaving means… that the bubble will burst… I will be alone and my ‘normal’ will soon return.  I want to stay in the bubble… in the blissful bubble for longer.  Forever.  But it bursts, even before the door manages to close.

And here I am. 

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Daddy’s Coming… AND pumpkins!

Tomorrow Daddy will arrive around 9am and we get to spend the entire day together.
I brought two pumpkins with me, that we plan to carve together.

PRIOR TO "KNIFE PLAY"...

PRIOR TO “KNIFE PLAY”…

That should be a ton of fun!
I somehow managed to mess my back up… so it’s unlikely we will be having any hard-core sexual activity but I can’t wait to just be – having cuddle time – story time – show and tell – all those special DD/lg things we share.

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