Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

30 Days of Submission/Being Little Challenge – Day ONE

Daddy4

I’ve decided to take the 30 Days of Submission Challenge Questions, (that I enjoyed following on Surrendered Heart‘s blog) and alter them a little bit for the Daddy Dom – Little dynamic.  I will alter the original Challenge Questions (which can be found HERE) to fit my own ‘type’ of submission and the DD/lg dynamic.  If you want to join me – please do so and let me know by commenting below.

Question ONE

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

My Answer

When I first became seriously involved in the BDSM world, I was very focused on finding the right label for what I was.  Over time – that label has changed and so have I.

At first, for a short time, I considered myself to be a Dom.  I liked the control it gave me over any sexual situation I would be involved in.  I had quite a few insecurities and by being the Dom and completely controlling the situation, it allowed me to hide those insecurities without admitting to them.  Claiming to be a female Dom, I had no shortage of men… who wanted and were willing for me to take control of them, in whatever way I deemed fit.  Having that control over what would and would not happen, was what I needed at the time in order to feel safe in a sexual situation.  Is that the ideal reasoning behind being a Dom?  Of course not but for a while it worked for both myself and the submissive men I was interacting with.

Eventually, I become more involved and attached to one particular submissive, who I’ll call Marc.  I found myself wanting him to, and then eventually demanding and instructing him, to overtake me at the end of the scene.  That may seem to be a contradiction but somehow we were able to easily flow into that dynamic during our interactions.  I had come to realize that being Dominant in a scene was stimulating for me but in order for me to be truly satisfied… I needed to be taken.  That is how I eventually grew to become comfortable enough sexually to allow the control to be given over to my partner and I soon adopted the label of being a Switch.

When I eventually met and became involved with a Dominant man, who I’ll call Daniel, I stubbornly held onto my Switch label.  He claimed that he was strictly Dominate and in no way would ever take a submissive role with me.  Up until this time, there had been other men that claimed to be Dom’s that I was eventually able to Dom and make them my submissive or at least have a switch dynamic with.  I did not fully believe at the time, that I wouldn’t be able to do the same with Daniel.

Internally, I felt some shame at the thought of truly being and admitting to the fact that I may be a submissive.  I had a lot of misconceptions about submission and what it truly meant and I didn’t fully understand that submission meant different things, to different people and that that fact was okay.  There was no ‘cookie cutter’ definition or ‘cookie cutter’ rules that meant you were or were not a ‘true’ submissive. 

I became more involved and closer to Daniel and eventually I began to allow him to Dominate me.  My ‘need’ and ‘desire’ to have a Dom/Switch dynamic role with Marc began to abate.  Eventually, the more I developed a Dom role with Marc, the more uncomfortable I became in that role.  I started to understand what being a Dom really meant.  The responsibility that it carried.  The strength it required.  The effort and work it demanded.  The interactions I was having with my own Dom – Daniel, was showing me things from a different perspective… I began to see out of the eyes of the submissive and the true power the Dom holds over his/her submissive.  I became unable to continue playing the Dominant role with Marc and I eventually ended our interactions.

I felt relieved to allow myself to become fully immersed and allow myself to fully explore my submissive side.  I felt that I wanted to concentrate and truly give myself over to my submissive side but at the same time… I stubbornly clutched onto the idea that I was truly a switch… I was just choosing to explore my submissive side for the moment.

To make a long story… a little shorter…

Eventually, the D/s dynamic I had with Daniel, evolved into a Daddy Dom/Little dynamic, which neither of us knew or understood even had a label.  I stumbled upon a DD/lg group on FetLife and started reading about it and I soon realized… it was the type of dynamic that Daniel and I already had… we just didn’t know it.  There was a ‘category’ that we fit into, a label for what we had and I felt so happy that I had finally found what was a more accurate label to describe what we have together.

The dynamic that I identify with is DD/lg.  It took some time and encouragement from my Daddy Dom but I have allowed my Little side to emerge and she has begun to flourish.  I feel that I am finally allowing myself to be – who I truly am.  I am a Little.

Princess and daddy

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Learning About Sub Drop

So, I have come to realize that in the past, I have experienced what is known as Sub Drop.

I’ve done a bit of reading up on it and while it seems a bit difficult to find good information on it, here is what I have learned:

  • Sub drop is a term used to describe the intense emotional and physical feelings which a submissive can suffer, as a result of a play session.
  • During a BDSM exchange, a flood of adrenalin and endorphins release into your body and brain, giving you that ‘high’ euphoric feeling.
  • During this time, the submissive is emotionally exposed, vulnerable and often can be in such a detached state of mind, the lines of reality become blurred.
  • After the spike of chemicals and hormones into your body – the submissive can ‘crash’, sometimes leaving the body in a highly imbalanced state, causing a sudden change in mood, which can be quite alarming and intense.
  • The submissive often desires to stay in this alternate reality and the thought of having to return can be devastating and cause psychological ramifications.
  • Some of these intense feelings can include:  anxiety, depression, abandonment, fatigue, guilt, loneliness, anger, and irrationality.
  • These intense feelings can be spontaneous outbursts, which the submissive has little control over.
  • The submissive may:  cry for no apparent reason, have trouble sleeping, have the desire to isolate themselves, have thoughts of leaving their partner, have an intense need to sleep, have changes in appetite, and/or have feelings of self-hatred.
  • These feelings can happen for hours, or even days after an exchange.
  • Sub drop can begin immediately after a session or it can be a delayed reaction, appearing days after an exchange.
  • Dominants can also suffer from ‘Sub drop’.

Learning more as I go…

If anyone out there has had experience with Sub drop – I’d love to hear about it, please comment below.  Thanks!

Daisy tat 12

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Sub Drop?

Daddy and I spent a nice day together.  He read me books… he spanked me… and fucked me… we had lunch… I coloured a picture for him… and then he fucked me again… and then…  he had to leave.

I hate when he has to leave.  It’s not fair.  We are all cuddly together… and then BOOM he has to go… and he never leaves late.

We make and live in our own little bubble for the whole day and then when he says he has to go… I know it’s time to go back to the real world.  And sometimes… I don’t want to go back to the real world and sometimes I really don’t want to go back to the real world.

Not sure if this would technically be considered sub drop or not…

I just know it makes me feel sad.

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Daddy Bound…

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving… to stay overnight in the hotel… and then Daddy will knock on the door the following morning.

A week or so ago… Daddy and I had a conversation about the possibility of me moving closer to him and if I did what it would mean and how it would affect our current arrangement.  Don’t get me wrong… I wouldn’t be moving – just to be closer to him.  There are several reasons and my relationship with him, is just one of them.  An important one but by no means the only one.

I wanted to know, if I did make the move – would we see each other more often or would our ‘typical’ arrangement that we have now… pretty much be it.  It was an important question for me to ask, for lots of reasons.  Many years ago… I never would have asked… I wouldn’t have faced the possibility of being disappointed by his answer.

Communication.  Figuring out what it is I really want and not being afraid to ask for it.  Growth.  Progress.  Not perfection but progress.

I wasn’t disappointed with his answer.

Trust you Daddy

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Our First Anniversary

It is hard to believe that Daddy and I have been together for one year today.  One year.

Part of me feels like we’ve known each other forever.  He knows me inside and out.  He knows my heart and my soul.  He knows my good and my bad.  He doesn’t yet know all of me.  He doesn’t yet know all of my secrets… all of my transgressions… all of my awful little pieces of hidden guilt.  Not one person on earth knows all of it… well – I guess except for myself and even I hide things from my own mind sometimes.

What I can picture though… is that if there IS one person, that will eventually come to know it all – all the bad and the good… all my hidden little secrets – I can imagine it being him.  I’ve never even been able to picture that with anyone before.  Not a friend, not a boyfriend, not a husband, not a relative… nobody.  I have never truly considered it to truly even be a possibility.  But now… I believe it is possible.  Perhaps with more time.  A year is… after all… just a year.

What will I be writing next year on August 8th, 2014?  Where will I be?  Where will he be?  Where will WE be?  Time will tell.

Time will tell.

Time will tell.

 

 

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Autumn Fire – Book Review

Autumn Fire

written by Cameron D. James

Autumn Fire Cover

My Rating:  4 stars

Four Stars

Synopsis:

Dustin likes the closet. It’s warm, comfy, and dark. Who needs to be out when you can get all the anonymous sex you want via the internet? And, besides, coming out is messy and gets you nowhere—certainly not a relationship. Real gay love is fiction.

When Dustin meets CollegeJock22 for a quick blow-and-go in the university library men’s room, everything he thought he knew crumbles. He can’t get that man out of his head and will do almost anything to have him. The only problem? CollegeJock22 is even more in the closet than Dustin. He’s in so deep he can’t even see the crack of light under the door.

My Review:

Simply the best M/M erotica I have read to date.  Not only were the sex scenes sizzling but the characters were well-developed and real.  The sexual tension built between Dustin and Kyle was stimulating.

Another thing I really enjoyed about this book – was that there were several very real issues within the story line.  This book is a lot more than just hot erotic writing… it also contains serious emotional issues that many gay men face.  It brings to light the frustrations and heartbreak of trying to have meaningful romantic connections, while remaining in the closet.  I am a straight female – yet I could easily identify emotionally with Dustin.

Closets could be dark places, but they could also be warm and cozy.

Something else I love about this story – it takes place in Toronto.  Living in Ontario myself, I enjoyed the mentions of the University of Toronto and of Barrie (a town north of Toronto)…

If I had to list one criticism about Autumn Fire – it’s the cover.  While the man on the cover – is super hot… the overall impression that the cover gave me, did not match the quality of the story, the characters and the writing.

If you have any interest in M/M erotica – do yourself a favour – and purchase this book.  You’ll be glad you did.

 Author:

Cameron James

When Cameron D James isn’t writing gay erotic romance, he can be found studying for his Masters, working in his dull office job, or reading five books at once. But, really, you’re most likely to find him writing. He loves crafting hot, sexy, sweaty, throbbing scenes, interwoven with lust and deep emotions for an orgasmic whole. He writes out of a love of characters, wherever those characters may lead.
smutty NSFW Tumblr: www.camerondjames.tumblr.com
Twitter: @Cameron_D_James (www.twitter.com/Cameron_D_James)

Buy Links 

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What it boils down to…

I’m not worth it.

He’d rather stay comfortable, than be what I need him to be for me.

I will only ever be an ‘extra’ to him.

I will always come at least second… sometimes not even that.

I’m important to him but not that important.

I don’t think I deserve any better.

Why would he change things, if he gets to have all of it the way things are?

It’s me that is the one sacrificing… yet again.

I never learn.

 

 

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The Good Things…

I wrote what is below about eight months ago…
I re-read it tonight.  Sometimes I get sad because Daddy and I don’t get to spend as much time together as I would like and he’s not available to me, like a normal ‘boyfriend’ would be.  Those things make me sad sometimes but I have to remember all the positive things…

 

I was asked recently… “What do you like about your Daddy?”

There are SO many things…

  • Daddy really listens to what I have to say, he’s so attentive.
  • Daddy always brings me forward sexually – he never holds me back.
  • Daddy introduces me to new things gently, he never, ever pressures me.
  • Daddy makes me feel safe – emotionally and physically.
  • Daddy is patient.  He never, ever gets angry, irritated or frustrated with me.
  • Daddy always encourages me to be my true self, no matter what.
  • Daddy puts what is best for me – first… above his own needs and wants.
  • Daddy encourages me to let my little side come out to play.
  • Daddy comforts me and watches over me.
  • Daddy leads, so I don’t have to.
  • Daddy tells me everything is going to be okay and I believe him.
  • Daddy encourages me to grow into the person I am meant to be.
  • Daddy does all this and much more and still wonders if he gives me enough.

I am very, very lucky to have my Daddy.

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Wartenberg Wheel

Mmm… Daddy and I played with a new toy today…

 

Wartenberg WheelGod… it hurt so good… I never wanted him to stop.

 

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Seeing Daddy Tomorrow!

I just checked into the hotel room and Daddy and I are emailing back and forth.

I had a stressful day and was having a hard time winding down.

Just ‘talking’ to Daddy… makes me feel calmer.

He has a way of instantly being able to put me into Little mode and the stress of the big, bad, “grownup” world seems to melt away.

He allows me to be Little and he takes care of me. 

He makes me feel safe and protected.  Cared for and loved.

He lets me be who I am.  Who I really am. 

Not only does he LET me be myself… he loves me for being ME…

I love him.

 

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