Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Crossing that line…

Safest Road To Hell…

red-watercolor-background559

I recently read an article in Reader’s Digest about how our instincts can fail us.  The article described five different ways that our natural instincts can be harmful, even lethal.  They were described as:

  1. The Domino Effect
  2. Double or Nothing
  3. Situational Blindness
  4. Bending the Map
  5. Redlining

The one that provoked the most thought for me was redlining.  Two examples to illustrate what redlining is:

  1. A scuba diver sees an interesting wreck just beyond the limit of their dive tables.
  2. A mountain climber goes beyond their turnaround time, wanting to reach the summit.

When a situation requires a safety parameter, people will be tempted to overstep it.  It is very easy for a person to think, I’ll just go over the red line a little bit.  No big deal.  Of course, very often, a little bit becomes a little bit more and then just a little bit more and eventually you realize you have gone too far but by that time, it may already be too late.  You have ‘little bitted’ your way into that danger zone, the point of no return.

That’s the danger of crossing the red line.  Once you have crossed it, there may be no other cues to remind you that you are headed in the wrong direction.  There isn’t anything calling you back to the safe side.

This got me thinking.  How often have I ‘redlined’ myself into trouble or unhealthy situations?  How often have I sworn to myself… “just a little bit” and then later on, some time down the road, I turn back around, quite startled and ask myself;  “Whoa… wait a second, how the hell did I ever end up here?”

I’m not necessarily talking about crossing physical red lines or physical safety parameters (although that has also happened) but crossing my own bottom lines, allowing my boundaries to be crossed, allowing myself to cross my moral and ethical red lines.  It is the “just a little bit” thinking that leads me into real trouble.  I should take a step back from those red lines and realize that.  I need to be aware when I am tempted to redline and recognize the true danger I put myself in, if I do ultimately decide to cross it.  Lessons learned.

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Photo by Philipp Christyakov

Above photo credited to:  filchist on flickr.

6 Comments »

Daddy Leaves Marks…

I love when Daddy leaves pretty marks on me….

 

100_0891

 

Daddy has played with knives on me before… but this time… I asked him to cut me. 

I love that it is a week later and I still have red marks on my arm, to remember him by. 

He said we would do it again.  Next time though… I am going to ask him to do it in a place that is easier to hide…

 

 

2 Comments »

Poem – Lady Injury

Lady Injury
by Idranktheseawater

The rain was stronger than me and there was no place to hide
My strength washed away and I became sorrow’s bride
Too defeated to feel what life was supposed to be
Too clouded by the wind and the cold to even care to see
I stood shivering in the water that rose and filled my shoes
Watching the ground that could own me with one final bruise
Thinking of nothing but an escape from the pain
Some way to forget how my mind was left slain
I closed my eyes for comfort and became the thing I feared
Fell helpless to the ground and that’s when she appeared
She offered serrated medicine for happiness restored
The Lady Injury knelt before me and that’s when I implored
With no place left to turn, and no words left to pray
She placed her hand upon my head and said she was the way
I cried that she had found me in the secret hell I lived
Crept through mud to reach her with so much blood to give
So desperate for distraction I curled up in her lap
Let her take what she needed to keep me in her trap
The life that spilled from me paid the rain to go away
I laid my hurt to rest and found my place to stay
Her fingers traced my face and I became her child
Dependent for her to hide me while the storm raged so wild
I wanted better things for me but she was what I found
More secrets screamed through me while I bled without a sound
I’d rest my head upon her for a chance to get dry
Though still soaked and broken with no tears left to cry
So I rose to my feet and said that we were through
Afraid to need her warmth and what she made me do
I try not to think about the way we used to be
But time wont take away my hearts long wounded plea
I watch her in the distance and it’s like we never met
But the scars she left behind still fill me with regret
Still cold and shivering in this broken house of skin
I say that I don’t want her but she still invites me in
I long to relive when her hand took rest upon my head
But I have to make a choice, so I’ll face the rain instead

 

For more poetry by Idranktheseawater, visit her YouTube channel.

 

 

3 Comments »

Pissed Off

Pissed Off

Some days things look like shit.  Like today.  My teenage daughter has been emotionally hurting me for the last three days or so and I am fucking sick of it.  Seriously.  I hate that I allow her mood, to influence mine.  She wears me down.  I have to get a strategy so it won’t happen again.  I am so pissed off at her, I don’t want to look at her, let alone talk to her.

Today – I am too fucking tired to try to look positively at my own situation.  I am hurt.  Really hurt.  And getting depressed too.  Last night I took twice my sleeping medication… just because I wanted to drug myself.  I felt like self harming but didn’t.  Taking away the emotional pain and replacing it with physical.  Ah… sweet physical pain… can be such a relief.  Such an escape.  Always there to be had in need.

I can’t post this entry as I have written it.  I will go back and delete parts of it… so I can post it.

I instant messengered with Daddy last night.  He said after Christmas things would calm down and he’d be able to see me more often.  He said next week, we’d be able to get together.  Now… he tells me, next week looks hectic and he doesn’t know if we’ll be able to get together or not for sure but that he will “let me know”.  Fantastic.  Part of me is angry because I hate the thought that I need to work myself around HIS schedule in order to see him and he seems to be expecting me to do so now.  Also, he never acknowledges that he SAID he was going to see me next week and that his intention to do so may not happen now.  It is left unsaid.  AND… my ex-husband use to do this to me all the time.  He use to promise, promise, promise.  Oh this week is so busy but next week, we’ll spend time together.  Weeks turned into months, months turned into divorce.  I hate that Daddy’s behaviour is starting to remind me of my ex-husband.  If it is one thing I learned from that marriage – believe actions, not words.  Look at what they do – not at what they say.

So – a combination of a few things are bothering me alot right now.  Part of me is depressed and another part of me is angry.  Most of all…. I want to go to bed and escape.  Night all.

blue-moon-101119-02

 

5 Comments »