Growing Up Little

A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers…

Pancakes and Adultery…

on March 5, 2014

I was driving home from work yesterday afternoon and I was thinking about the fact that it was pancake Tuesday.  I thought about how it would be so nice if Daddy and I could have made pancakes together.  I started picturing it in my head…  I could have added raspberries and chocolate chips to mine and Daddy could have added something Daddy-like to his.  We could have poured them into heart shaped cookie cutters or moulds and just had a really simple but really sweet time together.  And imagining that and thinking those thoughts made me really happy…  I was literally smiling, driving along, thinking about it.

But then… it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started wondering if maybe he WAS having pancakes, just not with me.  And I started thinking about all those little, domestic type of things that we don’t share together and likely never will.  I started thinking about the fact that not only do we not share them together but he shares all those types of things with someone else – his wife.  And as those thoughts started tumbling in, it made me feel not only jealous but sad and even a little mad.

It might sound strange but the fact that he has a wife – is not something I normally think about very much.  I know the situation and have always known the situation from the very beginning but I just don’t normally think or dwell on the fact that he goes home every night and has dinner with his wife.  He watches TV with her.  He likely walks the dogs with her.  He does all those sorts of things, those everyday type of things, with her.  I know that they don’t sleep together – in both the physical sense (they have separate bedrooms) and the sexual sense and that they haven’t in many, many years.  But I wonder… does he kiss her hello?  Does he kiss her goodbye?  Does his kiss her goodnight?  Likely.

I try to tell myself – it doesn’t really matter.  I wouldn’t want to be with him (or anyone) 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I tell myself that I like my alone time.  I like my freedom.  I like not being obligated to anyone else.  I tell myself that I get all the best parts of him and his wife gets all the mundane and not so fun parts… all the hassles of everyday life with someone.  She gets to pick up his laundry off the floor, clean his dirty dishes, get annoyed with toilet seats that are left up, deal with him when he is sick, all those sorts of ‘not so fun’ things.  I tell myself – that when we DO get together – I have his full attention – 100 percent.  Our time is limited but it’s super concentrated, quality time.  I try to soothe myself with those types of thoughts and tell myself that it doesn’t really matter that he is married to someone else.  But I think I’m starting to face the fact… that it does actually matter.  It matters because he chooses to share the vast majority of his life, his being, with somebody else.  That’s why it matters.

Last night he said that he ‘shares as much with me as he can at this time’.  But in reality… he shares as much as he WANTS to share and CHOOSES to share.  He chooses things to be like this.  He chooses not to be with ME.  He chooses to make me second best and second priority and I let him and tell myself it doesn’t really matter.

It’s confusing because we don’t treat our relationship like it’s ‘just for fun’… we treat our relationship as much more than that.  I don’t think either of us really expected things to have developed between us the way that they did and now that they have – where does it leave us?  It’s been almost two years ago since we started to talk to one another and it’s been about a year and half that we have been ‘dating’ and intimately involved.

As much as I don’t want to think about it and as much as I would like to convince myself once again, that it doesn’t really matter and that I should just enjoy what we DO share with one another and not worry about what we don’t… I’m not sure if I can go back into thinking that way.  It hurts and it’s there – just under the surface and the more I think about it – the more I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.

I deserve someone that is mine.  I deserve someone who is willing and able to share himself with me and only me.  Don’t I?  Or am I throwing all the good things that we share between us out… just because I can’t have it ALL.  I can’t have EVERYTHING.  Am I throwing out the baby with the bathwater?  Should I just appreciate the fun times we do have?  Because the time we do get to spend with one another – is magical and loving and joyful.  It truly is.

What do you guys think… I would love to hear readers opinions on this, especially if you have experienced something similar – no matter what side of the fence you are/were on (the wife, the mistress, the husband, the cheater, the one being cheated on)… I’m looking for no bullshit, honest, open, yet respectful opinions on the situation… those will be gratefully appreciated…

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23 responses to “Pancakes and Adultery…

  1. phoenixasubbie says:

    You deserve Everything. To me, a cheat is a lie, and the deck is stacked against you.

  2. Yeah… the deck was stacked against me from the beginning. I knew it but didn’t really care then. Now I’ve fallen for him and find myself wanting more… wanting everything.

  3. phoenixasubbie says:

    For what it’s worth, I was in your shoes once. I know what that feels like. Me, I fooled myself into thinking he would leave her. Guess what… he didn’t and then karma bit me in the butt with a cheater husband.
    Whatever you decide, you deserve everything and more. xxx

    • Thank you. That means a lot to me.
      I have a lot of thinking to do.
      I believe in karma… and she can be a bitch!
      Thanks for sharing with me… it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one.

  4. pabloswife says:

    They never leave their wives and if they do it very rarely works out with the OW. Men are selfish, he’s in it for him and him alone. If you stopped having sex with him, would he still want to spend any time with you?? My guess would be, NO!

    Everyone deserves to have someone special in their lives. They deserve to be loved and cherished. They deserve to be number one! AN OW is never number one, if the MM doesn’t have any kids then she might make it to number 2 on his list o important people but is he has kids, she’s way down the line of importance. Do yourself a favor, leave this jerk and go find someone who want you to be his number one!

    • Well… statistically about 10 percent of men actually do leave their wives for the other woman. It does happen. Which I’m sure gives a lot of false hope to a lot of women.

      I haven’t been waiting around for him to leave his wife. Up until now… I haven’t really wanted him to leave his wife. I was happy with how things were. When we first started this, I wasn’t ready for a ‘real’ relationship – at all. I was more than happy with how things were for quite some time.
      But then when really started connecting and over time I could see how well we worked together and how we communicated with one another, how much trust I put in him, how we were together sexually, how he always brings the best out in me, how he’s there for me, being supportive and nurturing. I began to believe that there really are good men out there. Hard to find… but they do exist. I had given up that hope for a very long time… until recently… with him.
      And now I feel like I am ready for a “real” relationship – with him.

      I do want to be his number one. And I know that right now – I’m not.
      But… I’ve now brought it to his attention that I do want things to change… that I do want to be his number one. So… I guess we will wait and see.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate everyone’s point of view and opinion because regardless – it makes me think and right now – that’s exactly what I need to be doing.

  5. Anna says:

    You absolutely deserve to have someone all to yourself. What are his reasons not to leave his wife? Does he have kids? It’s so hard to know what to do. There’s no easy answer, especially if you love him. He needs to shit or get off the pot, pardon the crudity. Make a decision. Committ to you or his wife. So much easier to suggest when it’s not my situation. Good luck!

    • No – he doesn’t have any kids. Which was a big consideration when I first decided if I was going to become involved with him or not.

      He has multiple reasons why he stays with his wife… financial, mutual friends… he doesn’t want to hurt her or her family… that type of thing. Plus… it’s not like they argue all the time… it’s more of a ‘companionship, friendship’ type of thing between the two of them and has been for years.

      I do love him. I have never had a relationship with a man, that is so healthy. (I know that must seem odd, considering the circumstances). The way we communicate with one another… the way we ‘click’… it’s just always so natural.

      But… you are right… he does need to shit or get off the pot.
      And he needs to do it – relatively soon.

      Thank you for commenting. I appreciate reading other people’s thoughts and opinions on things for sure.
      🙂

  6. pabloswife says:

    So if your statistic is to be believed, and 10% of men that leave their wives, I wonder how many of those relationships are successful? I know that the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher, somewhere nearer 60%, so in the scheme of things, the chances of success are pretty slim.

    My husband told his whore he was unhappy and that our marriage was mostly over, because that’s what she wanted to hear. At the same time I had no clue. If he’d told me he was unhappy I’d have done everything in my power to change things. As soon as his affair came to light, he dropped the whore like a brick and hasn’t had any contact since. THAT’S how much he was really interested in her!

    I hope you find someone who is free to love you, and if it’s a MM, he should do the decent thing and leave his marriage before he embarks on a new relationship with you, because THAT is the decent thing to do to all parties concerned.

    • I don’t live my life or make decisions based on statistics…. but I thought it was interesting to know that 10 percent of men actually DO end up leaving their wives for their mistress. So often… you hear that men NEVER leave their wives. Well… that simply is not true.

      Normally – a marriage has less than 50 percent chance of surviving anyway but that doesn’t seem to stop people from hoping that they land on the right side of the statistic.

      I hope you realize that every woman that gets involved with a MM – is NOT a whore. I understand your anger towards the person that was involved with your husband, however, I find it interesting that your anger seems to be concentrated towards HER and that you seem to blame yourself for HIS actions.

      I have had enough life experience, to realize, that people are complicated and that things aren’t always black or white… there is a lot of gray areas in between. I don’t think it’s fair to make blanket statements. Situations are different. Marriages are different. People are different.

      Would it be the ‘decent’ thing for the MM I’m involved with… to have left his wife before embarking on a relationship with me? For one thing… we didn’t start things that way. We didn’t WANT a ‘normal’, ‘committed’, relationship with one another at the beginning. We wanted to have fun… explore our sexuality with one another… and have lots of time for our own selves in between. And that was satisfying for both of us, for a good year and a half. Now though… it has grown into something more than that.

      Will things work out for us in the end? I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe so. It remains to be seen. And… I have to determine what I am willing and not willing to accept at this point. And I still don’t know for sure.

      Thank you for remaining respectful… It sounds like you have very strong feelings about this topic and that we may be on opposite sides of the fence. It is my hope that be discussing things in a rational way – we can learn from one another and understand our own situations better.

      • pabloswife says:

        I have equal anger towards both of them. She knew my husband was married, she knew he had kids, she even met us yet she still decided that she wanted to fuck him, and fuck him she did!

        I see my husbands remorse daily, My husband has apologized yet the OW who was brave enough to cheat on her husband with mine, hasn’t got the balls to contact me and tell me she’s sorry for the pain she put me through. She disgusts me. Quite frankly my husband does too. I’m devastated that he put our life together, our kids happiness, our health, our future on the line for sex with some whore from work. I’m not quite sure you realize how painful it is to discover your husband has fucked someone else, someone he was quite happy to drop as soon as the affair was discovered, so someone who really didn’t matter at all to him. I hope you never find out how utterly soul destroying it is.

        I understand that people fall for each other all the time and the older we get the chances are that that person may be in an existing relationship but having been cheated on by my partner of 25 years, I could never do that to someone else. It is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Harder than loosing a pregnancy at 18 weeks and having to give birth to a child that I knew was too immature to survive and harder than loosing a parent.

        If someone is truly unhappy in their marriage they should have the common decency to tell their spouse. They should try to repair the marriage if that’s what they want and if they don’t they should leave that marriage before embarking on another relationship. And really, no one in their right mind would stay with a spouse for financial reasons or because they have mutual friends etc. The reason they stay is because they love their spouse, otherwise they would leave. So ye, in answer to your question, I do believe “your” MM… MARRIED being the operative word, should have left his wife before he started a relationship with you. Absolutely!

        In light of my husband’s affair, I am not staying because we have been together for, now, 27 years or because we have 4 kids or for financial reasons. I’m not staying for our mutual friends or for our families. I’m staying because I love him and I know he knows he did a really stupid thing. He sent a flirty message to his coworker… “I like promises” and she fired back a flirty response and that was the start of it. Less than 2 months mater he was fucking her in a hotel room.

        Just remember that your decision to “have fun… explore our sexuality with one another… and have lots of time for our own selves in between” is at the absolute detriment to another human being. One, that has done nothing to you, one that may not even know about you, but one that you are knowingly and absolutely, causing great pain to nevertheless. Because when she finds out about you, and she will, her life, as she knows it, will have ended as surely as if you had fired a bullet into her brain.

        After an affair of a year and a half your MM knows whether he wants to be with you or his wife and shame on him for not doing the decent thing and ending things with one of you. But then why should he… he’s having his cake and eating it!

      • I don’t agree that the ONLY reason someone stays in their marriage and doesn’t leave – is because they love their spouse. Is that a good reason – of course. Is it the ONLY reason why someone decides to stay – no way. I think there are a lot of reasons why people stay in marriages – just like there are lots of reasons why people get married in the first place and they aren’t always because of love. Should it be because of love – of course. But it certainly isn’t always the case. On the flip side of that – many people still love their spouse and feel that they need to leave anyway. Love unfortunately – does not conquer all.

        Your description of how it felt when you discovered that your husband was cheating and the painful life altering aftermath of that – made me realize just how awful it would be if she ever did find out and the horrible extent of those consequences.

        Saying that, I disagree that the wife ALWAYS finds out about the affair. It simply isn’t true. The MM I am with… has had two other long term affairs during his marriage and his wife has never found out about either of them or about us. He is very careful to cover his tracks. He never lets his guard down and he never gets ‘sloppy’ or careless about his actions. I know that some men – want their wives to find out… for some it’s an unconscious desire that their wife finds out. But with my MM – that is simply not the case.

        I truly believe, that there is a very, very low probability that she will ever find out about us. Is it possible she could find out – of course it’s possible because it’s happening. BUT… is it likely? No, not at all.

        I certainly hope she never finds out because I certainly do not want to cause her pain. I am not a mean, cold-hearted bitch. I feel absolutely no ill will towards her. Do I feel guilty sometimes? Honestly – the vast majority of the time, I don’t. As long as she doesn’t know… I think she actually unknowingly benefits from me being with him. I think he is definitely a happier person because he is with me.

        If she ever did find out, I would know and acknowledge that I contributed towards the pain she would feel as a result and yes, at that point – I would feel horribly guilty. However – I wouldn’t feel primarily responsible. I don’t know the woman. I have never met her, I have never talked to her, I have never even seen her. I am not the person who promised her anything or made vows to her. I am not the person who is married to her. I am not the reason their marriage is broken… Who is responsible for the state of their marriage? Him and her. Not me.

        You are right about the fact that after a year and a half – ‘my’ MM, should know if he wants to be with me or if he wants to remain with her. BUT… that hasn’t even been on the table or even a choice (in either of our minds), until most recently. Neither of us wanted what we have, to be anything other than what it was. It was only recently that I realized – I do want a ‘real’ relationship with him and I told him just that. So… it’s not like he’s been promising to leave his wife for me – in fact – in the beginning he was very clear that he wasn’t looking to change anything and at that time – I was okay with that. I didn’t WANT him to leave his wife.

        But… over the last year and half… those feelings have changed – for both of us. So yes – I am going to give him some time to think about everything and make a decision. I don’t expect an answer from him immediately. It is a huge, life altering decision that he is making with lots of things to consider. So yes – I have no problem giving him some time, to sort his thoughts and his feelings. And maybe he WILL decide to stay with his wife. If he does, then I will have to decide if I am willing to continue what we have together or if I feel I must end things.

        I agree with you – for the last year and a half, he HAS been having his cake and eating it too. And in a lot of ways – I was as well. I didn’t want to take on a ‘real’ relationship. I wasn’t ready for a ‘real’ relationship. It is because of him and because of what we have shared together – that I feel like I am now ready for that.

        It sounds like your circumstances, were a lot different than the circumstances that I find myself in. It certainly sounds like the affair your husband had, was nothing more than a fling… a very bad lapse in judgement on his part. It certainly sounds like he didn’t have any true feelings for the other woman, which leads me to believe – it wasn’t about the other woman at all. It was simply someone who was tempted and at a weak moment – he took the opportunity and wishes now that he never did. I hope that the both of you heal from it and that your marriage becomes stronger and even better because of it. I’m so sorry to hear the pain you suffered. Your description of what that was like for you – certainly made me think and I will continue to think more about it.

        Thank you again, for expressing your opinion. Your comments have opened my eyes and made me think a little deeper about some things. I am still trying to do a lot of reflection and self-realization and ultimately come to the place that I need to be. I am learning and growing – I am a work in progress.

  7. […] since I had my self-realization last week, triggered by pancake day (of all things)… (read the post Pancakes and Adultery HERE)  I have done a lot of serious thinking and self-exploration.  What I’ve realized in the […]

  8. thelotusone says:

    It’s hard, but you need to be strong. My mother has always told me, “Whats done in the dark, will come to the light.”

    Whether you want it to or not, things will be changing soon. Can you imagine yourself two years from now… ? With these same thoughts and emotions?

    Find yourself a SINGLE man. You deserve feeling like the only girl in the world… He adores.

    Thank your Daddy for the lessons taught, and the bond created…

    But its time to move on.

    Be strong.

    He became apart of your life for a reason – and I’m very when the time comes for him to leave your life? It’ll be for an even better reason.

    Good luck to you. I love reading your blog… And just remember – be strong.

    Here are a bunch of Dr. Seuss quotes that fit this perfectly… They’re wonderful to make you think.. make your heart race, and stand strong with your decisions.

    “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

    “So be sure when you step.
    Step with care and great tact
    and remember that Life’s
    a Great Balancing Act.”

    On and on you will hike.
    And I know you’ll hike far
    and face up to your problems whatever they are.

    I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
    Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
    But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
    Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

    I could post a bunch more… but hopefully – you’ll make the choice thats right for you.

    good luck

    • Thank you. I appreciate that… a lot.
      I too believe that TRUTH… eventually surfaces.
      It may take a very, very long time… but it usually does.
      In this situation… I can only hope that it doesn’t.
      I don’t want to hurt her. Truly.
      I don’t want to bring hurt to him either.
      And if the truth of the situation DID surface… everyone involved would get hurt.

      In two years… I won’t be having these same thoughts and these same emotions.
      Things WILL change… I have no doubt about that.
      In which direction? I don’t know yet. Time will tell.
      I have laid things out on the table and now it’s up to Daddy.
      If he is willing to make a serious life change… if he is willing to leave his comfort zone… his stability… his home…
      If he loves me… cares about me… treasures me – the way he says he does…
      If the connection that I’m feeling is true and real…
      Maybe he will.
      And maybe he loves, cares and treasures me and will STILL choose not to leave.
      That would be sad but that could happen too.
      It is up to him. I’m waiting for him to decide but I won’t be waiting forever.
      I will try to be strong – regardless of what happens.

      Thanks for reading my blog… I’m glad you like it so much!
      Thanks too for commenting.
      I really appreciate getting different insights and different perspectives about this issue.
      I’ve learned a lot from the comments that have been left.
      It helps me think about things and see things from different angles… it is thought provoking and helps me boil down what I truly feel and believe.
      Self-reflection and self-realizations are a beautiful thing.
      Thanks for being part of that for me.

      ((HUGS))

  9. Lea says:

    Hi, while reading this post, I found myself wondering if perhaps we were both seeing the same guy, as I am in such a similar situation. His wife knows, and they have had an open marriage for years now. That doesn’t make it easier though, and I debate every day whether to end it. Thank you so much for writing this.

    • Thank you for reading and for commenting.
      An open marriage – seems as though he has no desire or intention to leave his wife.
      And why would he? If his wife is okay with it and he is getting what he wants outside of his marriage, then what would be his motivation to change that.
      Is that okay with you? If so, great. But it sounds like you aren’t okay with it.
      Good luck to you. You certainly aren’t alone.
      ((HUGS))

  10. little girl says:

    hi! your post made me thinkg a lot about my own situation so i decided to reply. you deserve much more than what you’re getting, so much more. i came to a similar realization about what my daddy deserves (in our situation i am in a poor marriage and he is single). because of this, i have told my husband i want a divorce and am making steps to make myself able to support and live on my own and eventually, with daddy.

    i know it’s going to be hard and if it doesn’t work out with daddy and me for whatever reason i could be seriously fucking up my own life in a real unpleasant way. more than anything though, no one deserves to be strung along or lied to or treated badly, not even my husband even if he made me unhappy. so that’s why stuff like this has to be done even though it’s hard.

    i read your latest post where you said your daddy is in the process of leaving his wife! i wish you both the best and lots of happiness, but please take care of yourself. watch for warning signs like him taking too long or refusing to ease his wife into a new situation (IMO bailing on her and just leaving her helpless is as bad as stringing her along). please be safe!

  11. petal73 says:

    Hello 🙂 I just recently came across your blog and this article has really hit home for me 😦 I am currently in the same situation with a MM that is very happy with his life the way it is. We have been seeing each other now for 6months and, like yourself, I was actually ok with him being married because I did’t want a relationship, I was tired of the head games of dating and had just ended a relationship of 8years that made me feel not so good about myself 😦

    One thing I have come to realize in the last month is that I’ll never be more to him than just our get togethers once a week. We’ve talked about doing other things other than our sessions, but they always seem to get cancelled 😦 Plus he has made it very clear to me in several occasions that he is happy with the way things are and will be my Dominant for as long as I let him be. He will be my friend, but not my boyfriend, and he will be sad to see me go, but he knows he’ll find someone else that is looking for what I was 6months ago when I first met him 😦 Sad to say, he’s had other subs before me that pretty much left him for the same reasons I have been contemplating for the last month 😦

    So I just want to wish you good luck and really do hope it works out for the two of you 🙂 I’m really looking forward to read more of your blogs during my search of a DD of my own 🙂

  12. Babygirl says:

    If they don’t have kids, why did he stay in a sexless marriage?
    If he already had two mistress, do you think it will be different if and when he is only yours? How do you intend to deal with infidelity?
    Are you being exclusive with him? Does he demands that or you just “feel” like it?

    Sorry to ask you all those questions.
    I have an online friend that is in this very similar situation… He is married, his wife doesn’t have sex with him since their child was born and it’s very hard for him to don’t cheat (he even had already).

    We clicked in so many ways and so many fantasies, he is like a dream man for me.
    But when I remember he is married and he had already cheat on his wife, I don’t even dare accept meeting him… The reality strikes me telling me it’s not worth it.
    With me is full commitment or none. To accept being the 2nd choice is to fall in trap.

    You are being too optimistic saying that if 10% of the married men actually leaves their wife it’s hope for you, because it’s not “none”.
    But you see.. We say they don’t leave because… 10% is a very small number. And they leave after how many affairs?? Probably many.. Probably until the wife finds out. Because many of the mistress makes sure the wife WILL find out, because ultimatum rarely work.
    You even said that your daddy have had other affairs before…
    So the chance that this guy will leave for you is minimum.

    That’s my opinion. But I wish you good luck. You deserve bettter.
    And the fact that both of you didn’t expected to have feelings doesn’t make it right. Sex outside marriage, with feelings or not, is breaking their vows.
    He should have had guts to leave her if the sex life wasn’t satisfactory. I believe sex is as much as important as love.

    • You’re right. He didn’t have the balls to leave a marriage he wasn’t happy in.
      He left her for me TWICE and both times, he went back to her.
      His wife and I had a very interesting discussion today. Compared notes.
      He’s been lying about so many different things.
      I am totally disappointed, let down and hurt.
      As for the vows… those were HIS vows that HE broke. HE takes responsibility for that. Not me.

      • Baby Girl says:

        Oh sweety, that’s really awful! He left and came back?
        Girl, you need to move on!

        I know he broke his vows, I didn’t mean it was you.. he is the wrong person. But what I mean is: is this kind of person do you want in your life?

      • I thought I wanted him in my life… but now that I have discovered what type of person he actually is… I do not.
        It’s still hard for me to think of him in those terms though… I still think of him as that perfect awesome Daddy, until I remind myself of who he truly is. Perhaps it’s initially denial and then breaks thorough to reality. Hurts every time.

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